The pain is deep because he was deeply disturbed. I went NC on September 17th, 2011 and that was as the saying goes, "Today is the first day of the rest of my life". From that date until the present I have been crawling out of a black hole. I am not sure of when the exact moment was that I saw light, but I think the light burns brighter and brighter for us as we keep moving forward. Imagine yourself standing over the black hole you were once in, as I often do. I stand there at times and say, "hello down there, will you ever come back, will you ever try to pull me back down into your dark world?" Its not going to happen because I am going to fill that hole I was in to the top with cement. Its much like a secret passage way that was once there that only I know existed. It was an experience of watching myself and everything I was die, but having the strength and courage to bring myself back to life. Stop to take a few minutes and really look around; maybe you are still in that dark hole so you cant see much right now but I am out of the darkness and I am looking around and I am here to tell you what you see in that dark hole is not what Iam looking at in the light. They are not from our world - I am seeing for the first time people all around me and they are nothing like he was, even as they tried to blend into our world there was something that is profoundly just not quite right that sets them apart from all the rest, something is just a tad bit off. It was there, it has always been there we just ignored it. They threw too many distractions in to keep us off balance so we would not notice.
You were pulled into his dark world to give him light - those of us who were chosen to be a part of their dark world were the ones who had the most to offer because we shined the brightest. Wouldn't you want the brightest star if you lived in darkness? Stop to think of what you gave this person, it was the deepest understanding and love imaginable to give what we gave to someone who could never love another back; even if it was for just for a while, we fed someone that was not human. Even as we were used and abused we were still chosen because we were the best and I walk away knowing that. I am not proud I allowed someone to do this to me but I know he saw something in me that fed his dead soul.
Keep digging your way out of that dark hole and take a long last look at him on the way up, remember him for what he was and remember yourself for the wonderful things that you always have been.