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Verbal Abuse, Put Downs?
Kim F
Member since:
1 year 5 weeks
1 year 5 weeks
Last activity:
1 year 3 weeks
1 year 3 weeks
Verbal Abuse, Put Downs?
Posted April 15, 2012 - 8:56am
I am having a difficult time.I have been reading the boards and struggling with so many things. I joined 3 days ago and have to admit yesterday asked how I can delete my account. It is so difficult to read your stories and heart break and I suppose my reasoning whether it is wrong or right was I felt like I was staying stuck in the heart break and nightmare with him and not moving on and forward. I have read everything possible till I am cross eyed on NP because I feel he leans more towards the P. Ugh even typing this gets me anxious and agitated. I met this person online and spent a year and a half with him and have also met him. (got on a plane for the first time in my life to meet him and there was NO WAY anyone was going to get me on a plane) So I guess I feel what more can I learn and there is really not a thing I can do about what has happened. Most of you here it seems has had to deal with seeing or being around this individual. I am rambling and not getting to my question but some of his traits seem to not fit in to the classic NP. He never ever called me names or put me down. If anything he built me up and made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world ( to the point of complete obsession) The only thing I can say as I said in a comment on another post is he would always add though " never you BABYDOLL .... I would never call you a b*tch, c*nt etc .... I will stop talking to you if that's what it takes till we can be together and I can prove to you she (his wife of 4 years he met on MySpace who he called a b*tch and try hard but still call her Kookla *means DOLL in Greek* - means nothing though just a habit UGH ) is out of my life because I just can't seem to get through to you *enters the silent treatment* I guess the fact he would fight bitterly to hang on to what we had and me and as sick as it sounds he built me up and made me feel so loved and I became so confident in me and my body image etc more then I had in my entire life confuses the hell out of me. And right up to the very end he never verbally abused me even when I was questioning (which I did through out because of the situation) Seriously when I think about it NP or just the average man should have gave up and and ran. Ugh I sound awful for doubting him but there is so much more to my story and I suppose I kept hearing those whispers in my soul that something was just not right. Sorry if I am rambling and the story seems scattered.
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He called me babydoll also
April 16, 2012 - 6:28am — sugarosesweetHe called me babydoll also but only when he was.being a smart ass.
hate the word.
I am goin thru a break up also and i know he was n., and still find myself sometimes doubting myself and that's his i ended up back with him so many times. you have to fight.it. it will not ever never get better. thank god for the support here don't delete it keep checking in and reading.
i just woke up and.feel like.crying its been maybe 6weeks for me but been an internal he'll for a long time. just listen to your gut that's the main thing.
Well KimF, after reading all
April 15, 2012 - 2:07pm — JourneyWell KimF, after reading all the comments so far, it sounds like your ex was actually very covertly abusive.
My exN never overtly abused me either, it was all manipulation and emotional control stuff. If you asked him today what he thought of me he would still say "she was one of the good ones".
It sounds to me like those 'whispers in your soul' need a louder voice and joining in conversation here will help you to hear them.
Welcome to the path forward.
Modus Operandi
April 15, 2012 - 9:47am — phantom adorationA horse of a different color is still a horse.
Just so you know, I never suffered verbal or physical abuse, strictly mental abuse interspersed with crumbs of kindness and affection for 22 years. It is true with age comes wisdom and of course cellulite.
Many N's have common traits, many N's are more difficult to recognize so it takes some real soul searching to find and accept he has seemingly treated yoou mostly kindly suffers NPD but they all have one thing in common theya re always #1, king of the hill and chose who is cast aside and who is not, unless you get there first!
Modus
April 15, 2012 - 2:57pm — Janie53Very well said, they are not identical; they just all come from the same mother. BTW, I'm Babydoll as well. I can see we already have something in common.
Stay true to you!
Janie
Babydoll
April 15, 2012 - 3:22pm — Kim FSaw a comment on here where the N referred to them as Babydoll and I went ice cold and wanted to run off the site LOL It is so awful when any little thing sends me in to a tail spin now. I use to love music and because it was so much a part of him because he sang and played guitar and he would always use songs to tell me how he felt I cannot handle music and if it is one of OUR songs HELP !
Babydoll's all around!
April 15, 2012 - 5:37pm — Janie53More than half of us are probably called Babydoll or some other pet name. No easier way to avoid confusion with several woman than to give them all the same name.
If you are triggered by music than listen to NPR until you are further in your recovery. You, ultimately, will decide how much control you let him have over your life, even after he is gone.
My psychopath lives within miles of me. There were many places we went and things we did together that I loved. I'm still going to do them. Difference, is not with him!
Stay true, it takes time!
Janie
Read this
April 15, 2012 - 9:29am — Hunterhttp://abuse101.com/silenttreatmentandabuse.html
http://psychopathyawareness.wordpress.com/2010/12/22/the-psychopaths-rel...
Your Narc sounds like my Dog Whisperer..
Hunter
LOL Hunter i missed the part
April 15, 2012 - 9:30am — AlissaLOL Hunter i missed the part where you explained why you call him the Dog Whisperer, I am very curious to hear the story about that ;-)
Alissa
April 15, 2012 - 9:35am — HunterHes a dog trainer.. His method SHOCK COLLAR!!
Shock This shit out of the dog till he submits. CONTROL..
But he was always a gentleman.. yeah ..Right!
Hunter
F-ING PIG, you have the SHOT GUN...I will get a Dog Coller!
April 15, 2012 - 12:16pm — Trainwreck56We will give him a run like he never expereinced!
BAD, EVIL, F-ING PIG!
Glad you rid of him!
ncncncncnc
TW
That's so mean!! I'm sure he
April 15, 2012 - 9:37am — AlissaThat's so mean!! I'm sure he wished he could put that collar around your neck too :-/. Stupid Dog whisperer. I hope his name is not Cesar?? LOL
Kim
April 15, 2012 - 9:12am — ruby01I'm not quite understanding your question.
The ex abuser in my life never called me derogatory names either, but he most definitely abused me through manipulation. These people know what will work on their target to get them what they want. Had mine called me c-nt I would've been gone in a heartbeat.
If this man you were with is a master a manipulation he probably knew verbal abuse would not work with you.
Maybe the silent treatment or gaslighting? There are many tools in the manipulation "box of goodies". I don't know your experience, but the fact that you are confused says something.
Sorry
April 15, 2012 - 9:31am — Kim FI really do need to tell the whole story to understand but I had noticed on here a lot of the times their is obvious verbal abuse or put downs but he never directly called me names. He always came off as if I was "SPECIAL or our relationship was and non one understood it" So I guess it's me questioning if he is indeed a MONSTER (NP) How did I end up in such a a nightmare and with someone so devious astounds me. I certainly have emotional baggage from my past (only thing I can thank him for because it has forced me to come face to face with it and deal with it) but I have always prided myself on recognizing a**holes and jerks when I see one.
Did you write a list of all
April 15, 2012 - 9:36am — AlissaDid you write a list of all the things you didn't like about your N? The things he said to you, the things he did? The things he hurt you with. My N would sometimes jokingly call me a 'little whore' or a 'c*nt' but most of the times he would just make little remarks like 'you and your little butt' (after years of telling me "I love your butt!!!!!! It's gorgeous!!!!! You're so sexy!!!!" )
And knowing the N, he LOVES BIG butts, so that was a put down for sure when he kept saying 'little butt'. And no, he would never yell at me or curse at me. Instead , his punishment was the silent treatment.
Silent Treatment
April 15, 2012 - 9:40am — kimberly4398The punishment I notice in all the cases is the "silent treatment". Punish us with that until we submit so we won't speak out of turn again....
LOTS
April 15, 2012 - 10:15am — Kim FI had lots of those but he always had a logical excuse for them. I don't want to make it worse and end up hating you? That one made me think ! Hating me! Where did the word hate come into this. Hate is a strong word ! Complete opposite and total contradiction of loving me so deeply you can't stand it a day before? Or what did you want me to do I just can't get through to you. Then he would make me beg and TRUST me I am NOT a person or wasn't to ever beg. The one time I did it with him it made me feel sick to my very soul and questioning what the hell is wrong with me ! And he stood there swaying back and forth for like 10 mins and said No I can't do this anymore. Then I am not even kidding he wasn't 5 mins out the door he text me and said it doesn't mean I do NOT love you. And off to the races we go AGAIN !
Another thing he would do is
April 15, 2012 - 9:02am — Kim FAnother thing he would do is would point out certain things on my body and say things like I love how your tummy sticks out it drives me wild or certain things he knew I would be uncomfortable with. It always would astound me that he could zero in and figure out the very things that made me feel insecure and in my *lost in love trance* I took it as WOW he loves me for who I am. Ugh Ugh Ugh !
kimf
April 15, 2012 - 9:14am — UsedThat is ABUSE.....BELIEVE ME, when the dust has settled and you begin looking back, you will think of a load of PUTDOWNS.....SO SUBTLE BUT THEY ARE THERE...
Also no body says to someone I will never call you a CXXT...THEY HAVE JUST CALLED YOU IT...
WHO IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD SAY A THING LIKE THIS TO ANYONE?...
Reflecting
April 15, 2012 - 9:53am — Kim FI see that now as I reflect back. The very fact he could call any woman that and him telling me his wife is a bitch certainly doesn't say much for his character. I actually feel for his wife now because I cannot imagine what she has suffered. I caught glimpses and would always say to him. Why does she accept it. I would never accept it and call you on it. ( BOY was I in denial because I was doing the same thing) He would say why do we focus on here and not us. I don't care what she does. Even at the end he said I guess I was right this is as good as it gets ( told me he married her because he thought that was as good as it got till he met me) So either he was settling for her or I was just like all the rest. Scares me there are people in this world with such evil minds and I cannot for the life of me get how anyone can lack emotion or not feel. That is one of the BIGGEST thing's I am having a hard time accepting. My Mom keeps telling me if I understood I would be one. NO THANKS !
On occasions Moms know
April 15, 2012 - 10:03am — phantom adorationShe is so right. It is really a pathetic state to be in, no emotion, no feeling...I have witnessed this first hand for a long time. I wrote about short term long term some time ago. We suffer badly because we feel.
We are all suffering now, but remember it is short term in the big picture and for them it will be forever.
So hang in there and hope his wife sees the big picture too.
Used
April 15, 2012 - 9:24am — ruby01Only an a- hole!
but when he said that she more than likely thought, "I'm Special" because he hates every other woman but not me. I experienced that.
You don't think about the fact that he is a total misogynistic pig that hates ALL women.
They definitely don't like
April 15, 2012 - 9:31am — kimberly4398They definitely don't like women. They see them as possessions that can be discardly easily because there will always be another. Mine used to make me think he had women beating his door down, then I discovered him on match.com the other day. Well if they are beating his door down to date him he shouldn't need a dating site.. That's just my logic. However, from my experience with him if they are beating the door down its to get out, once the mask comes off.....
Smiling
April 15, 2012 - 9:40am — Kim FIt makes me laugh in a way because this individual is certainly not all that and I thought it was wonderful because I fell in love for who he was (did I say that LOL) not his looks. At first he made a effort but that all slipped but I loved him any WAY and he was jealous of attention I got and would never make it obvious but I certainly saw it. It was ridiculous and childish at times. His last conversation with my was I guess its as good as its going to get like I thought (meaning he was stuck with his wife) OR I was just like all the rest. Funny how when you step outside of the relationship you see the devious hidden meanings to their evil minds.
Kim
April 15, 2012 - 9:12am — kimberly4398They all do that, mine would tell me I was beautiful, sexy or smart. Then in the next breathe tell me about how I had a little pot belly or this or that. Doesn't matter how they say it, it still stings the words are still there. They seek out our insecurities and they play on these, it's what keeps us with them. Just stay strong..