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Gone for good?
Harper03
Member since:
1 year 5 weeks
1 year 5 weeks
Last activity:
1 year 1 week
1 year 1 week
Gone for good?
Posted April 15, 2012 - 10:58am
After my ex fiance (together 5 years, engaged for 4 months) ended things OVER the phone, he told me he still loved me but then was confused about his feelings for me but again, told me love wasn't the issue. Then he told me he never felt great about the engagement but really wanted me to be forever and that we deserve better. Now he told me this after telling me a month, weeks and the day leading up to this how we was obsessed with me, loved to watch me sleep because I was so cute when I did, missed me so much when I was around loved me so much. I had been trying to get him to come clean about things he had done to me and he didn't respond well to me trying to have an open, honest conversation with depth. He only wanted to say "nothing happened" and be done. Well he come back? Or am I discarded for good?
Also, it is so fresh... Part of me wants him to come back (not that I would take him) but to know I did mean something and my years of putting him first over everything. That I was so easy to erase!
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We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
what a turd
April 15, 2012 - 1:40pm — no more an echo"over the PHONE?" ...REALLY?
WHAT A TURD!
You WILL heal from this. Be smug in knowing that he is stuck with himself.
Yes! Over the phone. I asked
April 15, 2012 - 2:03pm — Harper03Yes! Over the phone. I asked if I could have closure and he said it's best we don't see each other because of the hurtful emotions. I then asked phone? Email? Something? He said gmail chat would be best. See he "wants" to be there for me because he "cares" but it's just too emotional. Why can't he face me? I mean he's put me through hell and back, I got kicked out of our place yet again and he can't even give me a respectful goodbye?
He doesn't want you to have
April 15, 2012 - 4:42pm — kimberly4398He doesn't want you to have proper closure, because if you have proper closure you won't sit around and pine away for him... He wants you thinking and obsessing about him at all times. If you don't get your closure he always has his foot in the door.. I am so sorry this had to happen to you...
Stay strong.
Acceptance
April 15, 2012 - 5:29pm — Janie53There is no closure with a narc as there is in a normal relationship. You need to know and accept this. One's closure needs to come from within, then you will be on the path forward.
Stay true to you!
J.
Thank you for your post.
April 15, 2012 - 5:00pm — Harper03Thank you for your post. Everyone's words and stories are helping me through a rough day.
It's so scary how they work. I am not even sure if he is an N or what he is. I know you do not end a relationship through the phone. That is so upsetting to know how little they think of you after devoting your life to them!
That is the key though
April 15, 2012 - 6:50pm — kimberly4398That is the key though Harper.. We devote our lives to them, they are void of any kind of emotion unless it can inflict pain on you or belittle you..... They do not devote their lives to us....
Stay Strong
Kimberly
he's a coward, too
April 15, 2012 - 2:46pm — no more an echoHe can't face you because he's a coward (probably one of his more endearing traits!)
And what a LINE of BS! You wrote:
"I asked if I could have closure and he said it's best we don't see each other because of the hurtful emotions."
See how Narcs take NO RESPONSIBILITY for their actions! As if you all 'caught' these 'hurtful emotions' like a virus!
Somebody sneezed and oops- you caught the cold! NOTHING to do with him and the way he's disrespecting you! Hahaha! ALL these Narcs went to the same school!
Also LAME:
"See he "wants" to be there for me because he "cares" but it's just too emotional."
Believe me, NARCS do EXACTLY what they want to do. I'm sure this isn't the first time he would have 'liked' to do something for you- or be there for you because he 'cares'...Their words and actions rarely are in alignment. One of the MANY ways they lie. Double messages abound!
Please do not expect him to be kind or fair to you during the break-up. Before he gives you any more bull sh*t, get your things and RUN as FAR and FAST as you can!
You will NEVER get compassion and closure from him. GET OUT for your own sanity. Work out your hurt and confusion along with people who CARE about you.
I've never really gotten any
April 15, 2012 - 3:19pm — Harper03I've never really gotten any compassion from him. I know he left me after we buried a family member to go out... I begged him to stay and he said he can't always be there for me when I cried. I begged him to go and he questioned why I would want to go out after I just buried someone in my family! I didn't, I didn't want to be alone!
He DID love to promise me stuff and TELL me how much he loved me. The only thing he really did for me to show me he "loved" me was buy a ring... Which he ended up taking back so quick! He has been talking about our future since the beginning. It took 5 years and MANY days where he would ignore me, only sending a text here and there, then coming back like nothing happened. Wether it was when he was deciding what he wanted (with or without my knowledge I heard) or taking trips with friends or going out the whole weekend.
A coward is right! Your post is VERY true!
harper03
April 15, 2012 - 2:09pm — UsedHe left it like this, b/c they dont give GOODBYES OR CLOSURE....THEY NEED TO KNOW THEY CAN GET BACK IN IF NEED BE...
WE ARE THE ONE'S WHO HAVE TO GO NC, TO GET CLOSURE ,THEY WON'T DO IT....
No matter how much you miss
April 15, 2012 - 2:26pm — Harper03No matter how much you miss them it's a scary thought and very true what you said. However, with him telling me we deserve better (oh and we aren't good together remind you after 4 months of being engaged) I don't know if he will return. But he has before. I figure if you can cheat on me when a family member is dying and on my birthday you can do anything!
Thank you for your advice and reply. This site is very comforting during this time for me!
Welcome to the forum
April 15, 2012 - 1:34pm — JourneyWelcome to the forum Harper03. It sounds like you've been on quite the roller coaster of a relationship.
I hope for your sake he does not return.
There are many resources on this site for you to read to get a clearer understanding. Narcs do not love, they use, then they discard. It's not about you. The one truth he told you is that you deserve better and when it comes to a narc, everything else might as well be heard as a lie, because nothing can really be trusted or counted on.
What you feel right now is so common here, I'm sorry for your pain, but you've come to the right place to heal from it - this is the path forward - and AWAY from narcville!
Thank you! I'm on quite the
April 15, 2012 - 2:09pm — Harper03Thank you! I'm on quite the emotional ride right now... Right now I'm questioning wether or not he's an N or mentally unstable or just spoiled jerk. or I go back and forth thinking it was me... That I could've done something more or differed.
Thank you for your support!
You're welcome Harper, it
April 15, 2012 - 2:46pm — JourneyYou're welcome Harper, it sounds to me like he was ALL THREE!
I can tell you for a fact that you couldn't have done anything more or different, that would have made it work out with him.
If there was ANY way you could have, then none of us would need to be here because we ALL tried our best, but nothing is ever enough with a PDI, because THEY are the ones who are unable to live up to their side of the partnership because of their disorder - it has nothing to do with us.
Harper
April 15, 2012 - 2:38pm — Janie53Welcome to the forum! Here is my two cents, you are posing this question for a reason. Clearly, from what you save said, this guy is mentally unstable or a spoiled jerk. Ask yourself, do you want to spend your life with either of these options? The choice is yours.
My vote is for you to educate yourself on this disorder, get in therapy to learn why you would tolerate this horrible behavior and stay close to the forum for support.
Stay true to you!
Janie
Journey- There is a chance he
April 15, 2012 - 3:28pm — Harper03Journey- There is a chance he could be ALL 3! He's never been held accountable for his actions by his parents (they have issues themselves... more about the outside package)...
Janie53- Thank you for your post. Do you think N is not an option with him? Lol I do not know what to call him. I know my family (ALL nice, hardworking people who like just about everyone) thought he was arrogant and didn't really associate with them unless he was spoken to. His responses where basically yes or no.
I am also mentally, emotionally and physically tired. I waited on him hand and foot. I could not tell him no. I even drove home once from HIS family friend's wedding 7 hours away SICK because he had to study on the way. I had to stop many times on the way and he wouldn't drive. He was annoyed I wanted him to drive because he had to study (maybe for about 30 mins)... But I had to keep stopping to throw up. Finally 4 hours into the drive he gave me a break. Yes and what is wrong with me for even allowing that!? ;)
I did stop waiting on him
April 15, 2012 - 3:30pm — Harper03I did stop waiting on him because I just couldn't do that anymore. I was tired. Lol he would ask me when I am half sleeping to go downstairs and get you a snack if you are wide awake? NOBODY can keep that up.
He may be back......to use
April 15, 2012 - 11:08am — EmmaHe may be back......to use you again.
This is the second big break
April 15, 2012 - 11:18am — Harper03This is the second big break up with lots of little times in between when he would decide he didn't know what he wanted or needed a break. But, never has he said "we deserve better" etc. So I didn't know if there are different levels of D&D that would hint at their future behavior. It scares me if he will come back but scares me if he won't. When this isn't so fresh hopefully I am able to accept the situation for what it is and what I was to him...
With alot of reading..you'll
April 15, 2012 - 11:28am — EmmaWith alot of reading..you'll realize the best thing he did for you was to D&D you.
I know it's hard work trying to get your head round the fact he's gone, but it really is a blessing.
NC is the best opton. I have been NC for 42 days and it's lovely! No spinning, no stress...I'm back to being me again... I know at some point N will be back, but there's no place for that shit stain in my life now!!
READ READ READ!!!
Congrats on NC! That's
April 15, 2012 - 12:04pm — Harper03Congrats on NC! That's amazing when dealing with people like N's. I changed my # but we had limited contact because of the engagement ring. Which he needs to sell for extra cash to pick make up for my half of things (rent, etc). That's what he told me. I was going to give it back anyway!
Oh the first time we broke up
April 15, 2012 - 12:41pm — Harper03Oh the first time we broke up and I begged to come back he said no but had the nerve to call me and tell me I still needed to pay my half of the rent and then called me up and told me I should've left MY printer an MY microwave because he needed those things.
What?!?!?!
April 15, 2012 - 12:31pm — RenegadeUh, sell the ring and keep the money. He broke things off; and you're supposed to keep him financially whole through his transition?
You: first - him: dead last. NC and sell the ring sooner rather than later. Do something kind for yourself with the proceeds.
Haha I laughed with that one!
April 15, 2012 - 12:35pm — Harper03Haha I laughed with that one! I mean he just proposed 4 months before ending it and he did suck me dry finically at one point (until I finally put my foot down)... I thought that was like adding insult to injury when he emailed me that!
I Just Posted This
April 15, 2012 - 12:43pm — Renegadehttp://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/04/15/they-dont-share-their-toys
You might find it eerily familiar! :)
The ring is symbolic as a
April 15, 2012 - 12:41pm — RenegadeThe ring is symbolic as a form of contact - get rid of that thing, keep the money and block him from contacting you via email or any other avenue. You don't even need to tell him you're keeping the ring and selling it.
You and what you do ceased to be any of his business when he decided "we deserve better". Well, I know YOU deserve better! Him? Not so much! :)
Thank you for your sweet
April 15, 2012 - 12:49pm — Harper03Thank you for your sweet comment! I'm going to check out that link asap! Also, I replied to myself on accident about the first time we broke up above. I guess after that I wasn't surprised how he asked for the ring back ;)
They are just so filled with
April 15, 2012 - 12:54pm — RenegadeThey are just so filled with honor, aren't they? LMAO!!!
http://www.lisaescott.com/for
April 15, 2012 - 11:03am — Hunterhttp://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/04/15/do-they-always-try-come-back
Please read our favorites section it's at the top of the 1-3 forum
Hunter