survivaloftheheart's story

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#1 Apr 12 - 3PM
survivaloftheheart
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survivaloftheheart's story

Chapter 1 of my path forward...out of the fog...

My story began 9 yrs ago and it was during this time that I didn't heed his xwifes mention of "everyone thought we were the perfect couple but know one knew the HELL I lived in....all the classic signs were there I just didn't know there was such a things as emotional abuse and narcissism. At this stage of my upcoming journey not sure if it is or not but i can say no one knows the HELL I've been in. My story is a long story and ill try to sum it up (all up the best way I can and hopefully later I can elaborate more just to get it out and on my path to recovery.

I met him in school....I really thought he was okay looking, but I was coming thru a divorce myself and I was xcited to see a young man wanting to further his education. He was married so off limits to me and always spoke abt his family, little league, planning he/his wifes 10yr anniversary, I was so envious of seeing a guy so ecstatic abt his family. We then became teammates in our class but the only conversation we had was abt class and for the most part didn't even think he cared for me because he was so hard to read, always sarcastic etc.....then the day came that I received a phn call from him I thought no different than to ask a question abt our class project....I was on the road travelling....and for some odd reason....he just kept talking just abt anything but nothing about us....or problems he was having. I remember saying if I could just find a guy like that....he became my TKISA (taken Knight In Shining Armour)....I went to Jamaica that summer and while there I felt the need to email him advising him of TKISA (my 1st major mistake) but I didn't feel that anything would trivialize from there....after I returned our clasd had an outing....and as we left the venue he pulled on side of my car asking what does TKISA mean....I'm like doesn't matter...he says no tell me....I tell him and off our seperately ways we went. A few weeks later he called me one Friday late night I thought it was odd but I answered....and thru that conversation I was told all about his marital problems, he thinks his wife was cheating, she always wants to go to the club, she comes home and have to take showers soon as she gets thr, she don't have time for the kids etc, always screaming at them, she doesn't want anything in life and how he had to mold her into what she is today etc....I really felt bad for him, next day same convo and then our on/off relationship began. I think back to 1st night he came over to my house in which he followed me home I thought it was strange and when I got thr I pulled up to my mailbox him behind me....said what r u doing...he said just making sure u got home....I said I'm good thanx...he left....shortly thereafter our sexual relationship began. At that point he was a good guy but I was still single he still living at home w/wife and kids....but I was dating and that has come back to bite me over the years. There was one point I xpressed he should try to work things out with his wife....let's take a 30 day reprieve....that lasted 2 weeks as he called saying he didnt need 30 days. So we continued in this semi relationship, he moved out of his home and into his own apartment and that was about the time when things (now that I understand) took the turn of him really showing me who he was. There was a time he called I was at work still xpressing he should try to work things out with his wife, he says I dint need your damn advice/Hung up in my face. I didn't hear from him for about a month and he called back apologizing saying he was frustrated but that he wanted to know if I would spend the weekend in San Antonio w/him....his mother figured it was okay for him to truly time to move on. We had a great weekend there for the most part returned that Sunday...and i thought he was the greatest guy ever, dinner, dancing, romance 100! A few months thereafter and not even sure what got us there but I can remember we had the 1st biggest argument in which he told me to get the F out his house and bagged up a few things I had at his place and thru them out the door I remember crying sobbing heavily and praying god what did I do for it to be thos bad moreso because I thought I was pregnant and after telling him that he asked me to come nside to talk we did, he apologized and off we continued! We were a bumpy relationship and that was just the beginning. He was coming up on having to re lease his apartment which I offered him to stay w/me because we could just join our monies together and for the most part we were having issues but I figured yeah but who doesn't. I'm going to get ready and close what I consider Chapter 1 (from beginning of relationship to our 1st son) and later Chapter 2 (up to me leaving after 2nd pregnancy with our daughter) Chapter 3 (his comeback) and FINAL Chapter (me on the path to recovery)....but I ask u to let me know all yr advice and whatever support u want to offer me.....now as I close....he agreed to move in with me and then backed out....then decided he would....and he did for all but about two weeks....last argument at my house was because he asked me to turn knives upside down so he couldnt get cut and i still turned them my way out of habit he blew up and went to sleep next am I took him to work....I was already such a wreck by this point due to his up/down moods....but I was also late...I went to work took a pregnancy test and it was positive OMG he already had 4 kids (3 w/wife and 1 w/HS girlfriend....another sign the oldest 2 boys r months apart)....I remember calling him at work, he asked if I was okay and then advised me he wouldnt b coming home tonight he was staying over at his cousin. Can u imagine the emotional turmoil I was going thru I only had one 4yr old son at the time/he was still married what would i do and I was left to go thru that by myself as he chose not to talk to me anymore that day. The next morning he came to the house w/2 friends at 8am w/a uhaul to move his things...in front of my son who just came to start calling him daddy. I tore up/destroyed all his belongings and then let him in....first time I saw the glare in his eye...but at that point I was emotionally devestated so I could care less. Today I admit to the world, it was the 1st I tried to commit suicide...called my bff/sisnlaw told them to call my parents to get my son out of the house, proceeded to my room knife in hand to take my life. I cry as i type this to remember that day...until my bff called said she was on her way not to do this, he wasn't worth it..I remember I still had the knife in hand when my 4yr old walked in saying mommy are u ok, my bff said u have way more to live for and at that moment I snapped back to reality. She was right and I couldn't do it and hurt my son. My bff came over to console me and then took off w/my son. This began my 1st bout of Depression in which I had never had prior to him.....I was left alone to deal w/this pregnancy......Chapter 2 of my world comes shortly...however during this time i was told that he left me because he said I argued too much, I didn't cook enough, and he's not sure he wanted to be with me!

Apr 12 - 8PM
Lookonthesunnyside
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welcome

Apr 12 - 10PM (Reply to #2)
survivaloftheheart
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yes im truly understanding the world.of narcissism