nicolecollin' story

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#1 Apr 9 - 2PM
nicolecollin
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nicolecollin' story

tales of the absurd and surreal

we worked together. he showed up with his head down and spoke to no one. if you can't convince them, confuse them was his motto i guess. i was intrigued... by the "loner." i felt a connection. he began to date some other girl there, someone confusing, the "popular" girl, hair rolled up, always smiling. i shrugged. a contradiction. it was like head cheerleader dating the guy in the metallica t-shirt. later on (after we started dating) i questioned him on that puzzling choice... he screamed, "it was a fucking mistake. she was nice to me; i wanted to fit in." she went on to confess to me later he had told her he loved her after a mere three times together; she was healthy, she decided to go for the other guy she had been seeing.

he began frequenting my facebook page, commenting on most things, leaving music videos in messages; it was obvious he liked me. that went on for six months. in the meantime he was leaving this location to be head chef at another location. i received what i thought was a "form letter" in an email, which said Ms. (my last name) and went on to say that he was preparing to move into the new space, that there was much to do...that he doesn't keep in contact with former cohorts from old jobs, that it was nice knowing me for awhile. i was taken aback...um..okay. i started questioning others at work, thinking he must have sent this out to everyone...nope. I wrote him back very nonchalantly, saying, "i'm sure i will see you around, man." because we still worked for the same company. i look back now and realize he was trying to get attention and trying to confuse me at the same time.

jump ahead: i was asked to go work at the new location. a month goes by, and i get a message asking me out on a date. i said yes. we met. we drank a lot. went across the street...more drinks. biggest smile face coming in kissed me face goes out totally changes from smile to smeer and says he's leaving. what? leaving me here with a bunch of his friends i had only just met. um, no, we are leaving together...we jump in a cab i look over and ask, "why did you just do that?" he patted the seat next to me and said, "because look where you are." another smile. long story short we ended up back at his place and there the ride begins. he said things back then that i honestly can't remember but were all clues. he hated his family. when i would listen to them speak on the phone he never asked them one question, just them asking and asking and asking and him responding curtly. he was a rich boy, went to the best high school money could pay for and onto college where he excelled making straight a's in a field he quickly denied after getting the degree. he was a drinker and proud of it. he decided to become a chef, what better way to drink nonstop and become famous (which he did and is)?

he was very affectionate back then; i liked it. again, looking at his behavior without knowing him back before dating, i would have never thought he would be like that. he said, "i've never met anyone like you before, i don't know what to do, will i sabotage it, will i embrace it, it will end badly, i am going to try and be happy." he said he knew he loved me, "because he could smell me when i was in the room."

the first time he screamed at me at work in front of everyone (for nothing) i sobbed. people were stunned; it was embarrassing. by then, he had me pretty much in love. he apologized profusely, said he wanted me to be a part of him learning to enjoy life outside of work (he is a workaholic, did i mention that?) that he loved me, that it was right. without much more detail, he began to display more and more behaviors that became increasingly cruel, always apologizing almost immediately afterward. he would get mad at me in public (for nothing. again.) leave me places. if he would say something crushing and i would try and leave him, by the time i stood up and tried to get my things together to act appropriately and leave, he would be racing to get out the door before me. sometimes, he would text me 20 minutes later and pretend it had never happened.

my birthday came, he texted me happy birthday. he said the day after he had bought three days and two nights somewhere expensive but had gotten scared and cancelled it. later on, when his birthday came, He had made plans to go to dinner but called me 15 minutes before to cancel. i had walked there with gifts. he asked why i had given a shit about his birthday, since he obviously hadn't cared about mine? good question. i felt pity for him. he had started having panic attacks and ended up at the hospital one night. we got out at 7 in the morning. we went home; i wanted to hug him; he wanted to drink.

he bashed his ex-girlfriend to me, as i'm sure he bashes me to the new girl and her. they lived together, she "cheated on him, spent his money, physically assaulted him, etc..." looking back, i can see why. he was probably giving her nothing, in the ways of affection. all affection stopped. when we would be sitting next to each other on the couch he would look at me and i could tell he wanted to touch me, but he would "air-elbow" me instead with this naughty boy look. after he stopped kissing me, the sex also stopped. after 2 months of that i asked him if he was attracted to me anymore? he got extremely angry. extremely. said that everyone was attracted to me, to stop questioning it, that he doesn't always think about "the physical" especially when he is concerned about work.

some shit happened at work, the owner offered me a management position at the new place. it would have been a great opportunity for me. i talked to the guy about it (i valued his opinion, respected him). he informed me that it would be stupid to take it, that i wasn't happy, that he didn't even know how much longer he could stomach the company (he hated everyone, everyone sucked, etc...) he said, "it's best this way. trust me." i turned down the position and left the company.

here is when it got bad, and he turned into THE DEVIL. he rarely wanted to see me anymore. he said things like, "i realized it wasn't work people i despised, it is you." "you make me miserable." "you are hostile. you are just a server with a shitty attitude who no one likes." "maybe i just found someone better than you." i could go on and on. this is a far cry from "this is the best relationship i've ever had." "you're perfect. please don't leave." and on and on... i took a new job where i could barely function. he said he would never step foot in that place, as he hated the chef there. i ended up walking out on that job after a small insult that normally i would have brushed off. i laid down and couldn't get up after he broke up with me over e-mail. i never responded to the email, and the next night i got a text from him after work as usual, saying that he was "finished with work." i never responded to that. he never said another nice word to me after that. told me to fuck off and die. he called me once to say that he needed help; his toilet was broken. i told him he could use mine, and he screamed i would never come to your fucking place. i spent five years of savings just trying to pay rent. couldn't work. couldn't function. it was hard to swallow. i felt like everyone was out to get me. i saw him once after that. i had to go into my old job to get my w-2 as they sent it to the wrong address. i decided to face him, as i was terrified of seeing him, because he had made me feel ugly and worthless (and i'm neither of those things.)

the look on his face when he saw me was priceless. he had counted on throwing me in the garbage and never looking at me again. he said as much, that he couldn't treat me nicely anymore because he'd ruined everything and he'd rather just walk away, that it was beyond repair. he wouldn't make empty promises anymore. after a 20 minute conversation in the alley i left. i had cried; i felt i had closure even though he hadn't offered me any. he said, "what do you want. a thousand dollars? five thousand dollars? i'll write you a check. i felt a little peace. i had faced him, and i was done. 30 minutes later i get a text saying, "stop letting me hurt you." didn't respond. 20 minutes later, "i can't make you cry anymore." responded. quickly he started calling me once in a while just to make me feel like shit. just to make me cry.

i ended up texting him all i had to say march 3. they were texts about me, not him. march 5 i get a text saying, "you are right. i am sorry." never considered a text a sincere apology, and it sounded more smart ass than sorry. enter new girl. miss popularity again. within three weeks they had planned a trip to europe, to copenhagen. that city has lots of bad memories for me already. my ex boyfriend of a decade cheated on me there with someone he introduced his "mother" to, his mother who had stayed with me many times, someone with whom i thought i was close. when speaking about that ex to the guy i had said that he rarely communicated with anyone who couldn't do something for him. the guy had said, "that sounds a lot like me." i just remembered that. new girl and him share a lot of the same superficial people friends, people in the industry. social climbers. drinkers. i question if she even knows i exist. 3 weeks after we broke up she was posting pictures to his facebook. it is like i never happened. i have not contacted him since march 3. i never responded to his apology. i have a website and can see who gets on it through google analytics. sometimes i write poetry there. he was there last tuesday. probably just bored and curious. i have blocked him on facebook.

i imagine them holding hands in copenhagen and having a grand time. while i try to scrape together money from my new job, my brain, my body and what is left of my sense of humor. his ex girlfriend contacted me to apologize that she hadn't contacted me long ago to warn me--that he would make me miserable. it's a bit validating. although i wonder sometimes, will new girl be the one to make him happy, will they last longer than we did, will he continue to be affectionate, will she be just superficial enough, that he won't have to look at himself?

I get anxious when i think about all my old friends at my old job. i get anxious when i walk out the door. i get anxious when i wake up at 4 in the morning sweating, after horrific dreams. i appreciate the opportunity to put this down. i realize it's labored and long and listless and scattered...but isn't that exactly what these relationships are like? there are so many other details that could be pushed into the corners, but many have been absorbed into my skin and i can't pick off the scabs that would allow them to flow out. some, i just simply can't remember. i feel like i have been betrayed at an animal level, if that makes sense. it has been almost a month and a half; i still question it all. and as he prepared to leave for copenhagen tomorrow to meet up with her, i prepare to try and get out the door and accomplish some minor errands that i've been putting off for over a year. i do not miss drinking with him every night until four or five. i do not miss not being touched. i miss the possibilities i thought were there in the beginning. i miss the way the air came in his windows downtown and lying in his bed when he still held me, our hair and arms and legs all tangled up around the blue that hadn't arrived.

thanks for listening.

Apr 9 - 4PM
nicolecollin
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Thanks for reading. Just

Apr 9 - 3PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Wow, nicole...

spinning

Apr 9 - 4PM (Reply to #2)
nicolecollin
nicolecollin's picture

Somtimed I get scared that he

Apr 9 - 4PM (Reply to #3)
spinning
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nicole, here are some blogs

spinning