mustmoveon's story

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#1 Apr 8 - 3AM
mustmoveon
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mustmoveon's story

Our last days together

I am sharing the story of the last days of my relationship with my N. Some day, maybe soon, I'll start from the beginning. I am just trying to get this out of my system, b/c today was one of those days where I missed my N terribly (the person that I thought he was, not the person he actually is). It was a beautiful day in my area and there was nothing more that I wanted to do but to be with him, spend a day in the city, have a great dinner at a nice restaurant, have an intimate night together afterwards, and wake up in each other's arms. That will never happen again. My heart still bleeds and I am still crushed, while he is out there, trolling bars, gyms, nightclubs and hot tubs for cheap, easy women. If this were just a year earlier, I'd be on-line with him, chatting at this late hour. Instead, I am here now, in the wee hours of the morning, posting the story of my heartbreak that I can't seem to overcome or shake.

It has been almost 4 months since my N and I had our last meaningful contact. He and I were "drifting apart" for some months prior to then b/c he kept doing things like looking at women inappropriately or making sexually suggestive comments about their physical appearance, knowing that it would greatly upset me (although he later denied knowing this, despite me having told him repeatedly for 5 years and us fighting over this). In response, I kept my distance and limited my contact with him b/c I was angry and hurt. But time would pass, my heart would soften, and I would look forward again to meeting up with him, b/c it was like catching up with an old friend. Although we were not nearly as much together by this time, we were still seeing each other and had been together for 5 years.

That night last Dec, we sat in a deserted parking lot and talked for 2 hours, late into the night. We caught up with what the other had been doing (I was going through a family crisis due to death and had just gotten into a fender bender weeks earlier. Meanwhile, he had been gone for weeks at a time for the last 4 months, traveling to Asia. I learned less than 24 hours later, that it was b/c he was carrying on multiple affairs with women abroad and for all the years we had been together(he's in his early 60's and he was hanging out at nightclubs, bars, and hot tubs, hooking up with Asian chicks in their 20's to 30's--more about this below). I was crying a lot during that conversation and told him how much I loved him and how I had loved him for 5 years, even when I pulled away b/c I was hurt. He sat there, saying, "Why didn't you tell me this?? (This was all nonsense b/c he knew and I had told him over the years. I had given up a lot for him and he knew it)." The conversation then turned--I had checked his FB page earlier that day just out of curiosity and noticed some suspicious activity and started asking him about it. He sat there in my car and lied all the way through our 2-hour conversation about these women that were his "friends." I learned of all of his lies the following day (Friday) while I checked his email accounts while I was at work (although I will never know, I think he gave me his passwords b/c he was both sloppy about covering up his tracks and figured that whatever I found there, he would be slick enough to talk himself out of a bind). I sat there at my desk, in utter shock and absolute horror for 20 minutes, reading through sexually explicit emails b/t himself and 20+ other women for all the years we had been together and even prior to us getting together. As I scrolled through all the emails, tears rolling down my face, all I could do was demand in a whisper (b/c I was at work), "Who is she?? What did you do??" My last words to him were, "This isn't normal. You really need help...I have to go now." And hung up.

I spent the next 48 hours, prostrated on the floor of my friend's house or at my house, hysterical, and crying uncontrollably. To add insult to injury, some weeks later, I learned that just 2 days after my melt-down, after our heartfelt conversation in that parking lot, someone inadvertently captured him on video giving this cheap, heavily made-up tramp with big hair, elevator eyes which she obviously enjoyed (I watched the video for another purpose and then they appeared, much to my surprise and horror). I've known him long enough to know that from the expressions on his and her faces, that they had had sex by this point. Just a month earlier, he commented to me on how he thought she was a "tramp" (his words) and didn't even know her name.

Despite all this and much more, I can't get over this SOB. I want him, the man I thought he was, so badly. I have no need nor desire for the man that he actually is. Some days, I fantasize about showing up at one of his haunts, just to show him what he's missing out on, b/c since my meltdown, I have lost a lot of weight (I was never a big person to begin with) and am down to my highschool freshman weight. Everyone is telling me that I look great, so maybe there's someting to this. I know it's all so childish, but I just want to lash out. I know--NC, NC--but it is all so dissatisfying. I know I need to move on, but some days, I just feel like I'm dying inside. Today was one of those. Thanks for reading.

Apr 10 - 7PM
toomuch
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i am so sorry for you .. this

Apr 8 - 12PM
Hunter
Hunter's picture

Welcome to Narcville.. NC,

Apr 8 - 9AM
ThisIsTheEnd
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Hang in there Mustmoveon!!