Deestarr's Story

The Devil in disguise

I think its time to share my story.
So you understand it fully you need to know the relationship I had before I met my exN. To cut a long story short, I met a guy when I was living in London, we dated for about 4 months, cause he was English we downplayed the relationship cause I was leaving to come back to Australia. I came home, we kept in contact for 8 months, met up for a week, decided we’d give things a go and he moved to Australia 3 months later. He lived here for a year and things were fantastic. In my eyes he was ‘the one’….But he didn’t settle here and missed his family and friends and decided he couldn’t live in Oz….so after a year in australia…..he walked away. I was absolutely devastated. The only reason we didn’t work was because of the distance. It took me over a year to feel normal again (took even longer to get over him)…………..still feeling vunerable………….enter the N. He came into my life and completely swept me off my feet…….flowers, love letters, notes, daily texts telling me how great I was, we spoke on the phone every day, we spent all our time together……he liked everything I liked….you know the story…..I was hooked!
Things were good for about six months and then slowly the texts stopped, the phone calls stopped, we spent less time together, the intimacy stopped, the ignoring started……….But I hung in there cause I just ‘wanted things to be back to the way they were!’
Just before our one year anniversary I moved house…..which caused huge dramas cause the N didn’t like where I live (I moved From the beach to the suburbs…..i get it now….it affected him!) About 3 months after that he got depressed and as the good girlfriend I stood by him. He used to say nasty things like ‘why do you have to be so affectionate all the time?? When you sit on the couch next to me, I think oh why wont she just give me some space??’ So horrible.
I realised he’d changed but everytime I brought it up we’d have a huge argument and he couldn’t understand what I was talking about when I said ‘I just want things to be how they were at the start’ I realise now he had no desire what so ever to go back to that.
Then early last year he found out he got into the police force which meant 6 months of distance education and 4 months living 2 hours away from home to complete the practical component. Last year was complete hell. I study myself so I thought ‘ oh he might finally understand how hard I work to study and work at the same time’ but no….it became ALL about him. I lost count of the times I got told ‘this is very stressful for me!’’You need to help me!’’You need to do my assignments!’
I was there for him when he first went to the academy and he couldn’t do it. I was the one who he cried on the phone to. But then it got worse. He moved to the academy for 4 months. He was supposed to come back every weekend but when his exams started he stayed down there to study. Well so I thought…….but turns out he took a young girl (7 years younger) under his wing cause she was having a hard time down there! (I get it now!) Apparently they spent so much time together that people thought they were together. He also completely kept me separate from the academy, he lived there for 4 months and I only went down there for his graduation. (he lived on campus so he couldn’t stay but even when I offered to visit and stay in a hotel I was told no. wished I just turned up one day!) So the ignoring got worse when he was there, I still don’t know if it was just cause he was busy but it got so bad that we were only speaking for 3-4mins a night. Then he has the hide to say you call ALL THE TIME, ITS ANNOYING!! Then when he’d come back on the weekends he was always too tired to do anything and would sulk in front of the tv all weekend. Everytime I tried to tell him how I felt, he raged at me cause it was all about him and he just needed to focus on his study. Fair enough but he had time to play tennis every day and got to the pub for dinners with all his new friends!
I just always stayed by his side cause I thought things would get better. But they never did…..they got worse and worse. I found out while he was down there that one of the weekends he was supposed to be study he went to another local city and stayed the night with the OW and another friend. I will never know whether the other friend was there, to this day I reckon it was just the 2 of them. He apologised and I didn’t forgive him but was told to get over it cause he had to focus on his studies and didn’t have time to sort it out. I was also told ‘it was your fault I lied cause you aren’t approachable and I couldn’t tell you I was going!’
Once he graduated he got posted back in Sydney so once again I waited for things to get better…..only for them to get worse again. This time he added shift work to the mix which meant he was always tired, and I was only seeing him once a week. Pretty pathetic when we’d been together for 2 years! And the intimacy was all gone. When we did have sex he wanted it to be ‘exciting and adventourous’. He even told me once, do something that will make me want to have sex with you more cause its always boring! Its always the same shit! Sorry but my understanding is that its about being close to someone??
Anyway id try to arrange to do things, go out in the city, go up the coast to the beach, go out for a nice dinner? And the lastest thing was to say yeh sure…..then arrange something else. So id be told the day before, oh sorry im going drinking with this person…blah blah blah. He did that every weekend thru dec and jan.
Everytime I jumped up and down I was told…..your so difficult, its always so hard with you.
It the discard he told me I was boring! The hide of him, he was the one who only wanted to watch tv every weekend not me! And now of course he’s out doing everything I wanted to do with him with her and all his other female friends.
It breaks my heart now to think about the relationship. All I did for over 2 years was love him. All I every wanted was to spend time with him and for things to be like they were in the start.
And the rages, he would get so angry that he would shake and his eyes would turn red. Just like the devil!
Im just so sick of hurting so much. There’s been so many days where ive just laid in bed so I don’t have to face the world. Ive cried so many tears I could have filled my own river. Ive lost so many of my friends, which im not surprised about cause I just didn’t have the energy left for anyone else. We’d argue on the weekend and it would take me days to get over it, he would just act like nothing happened. My self esteem has taken a huge battering. I think last year he only complimented me twice on how I looked. I feel so stupid that I stuck around for so long.
I found this site nov/dec last year and its helped me enormously. ‘I get’ why he does what he does…..but it still hurts. I know he is a N, I spent so much time trying to convince myself he wasn’t. But he never had the same goal in our relationship, to be happy and content. His goal the whole time was drama!
His lack of empathy and lack of compassion was unbelievable! It was ok when his world was falling apart, everyone had to be there for him but when I needed support I was told I always cried over nothing. (I lost count of the amount of times I cried and he got really angry at me!)
So ive been seeing a therapist since September last year. I had an emotional breakdown from feeling that I didn’t matter & needed help cause I was scared Id do something silly to get attention. So far it has helped enormously and so has this site but I know I have a long way to go. Some days I don’t know if I can get there.

Thank you all so much for your support so far, its helped me so much knowing I have you all 24 hours a day to turn to.

Xx