Its been 5 months and a nightmare...

Its been 5 months and a nightmare...
2

5 months after... And all I can say is wow.

This has been one hell of a ride. I cannot honestly say this was the "worst" breakup I've ever experienced but I can say without a doubt it was the most confusing and emotional I've experienced.

I struggled for a long time initially in dealing with the anger... Even hatred, and I do not use that word lightly. Normally cool headed and logical, favoring reason and self control I found myself seething, stuck in my head trying to find a logical conclusion to the madness - which only lead to more confusion, emotional loops and thus more frustration and anger. I obsessed over it, trying to understand why, I had an overwhelming urge to break something (Preferably the OG's face..) so I took it out on my punching bag, every day for multiple hours until I had to buy a new one.
Still I was angry, and not myself. I felt out of control and I really was, the whole thing was clouding my thought process and distracting me, which in my line of work is a very dangerous.

Nothing seemed to work, I took vacations, reorganized my entire house, hit the gym like I was possessed, ran until I could barely shuffle up my walkway home. I was still angry, now I was exhausted on top of it.

But it was getting better, looking back I can see that now. The only real remedy is time. Every day the anger was less intense even if it didn't feel that way. Soon I thought about it less and less but still got angry, then the duration of those emotions lessened after each flashback or trigger.

I still think about it, and I'm sure I will for awhile. I just don't get angry when I do. I still have my flashes but they don't last. It's mostly disappointment. It's the kind of disappointment you feel when you order something new at a restaurant and it looks good when you first get it but after you take a few bites you realize it tastes like shit - well I won't get that again...

So while I might not be posting on here as much, I will be around and always willing to PM or give some advice if I think I can.
I just want to thank each and everyone of you for the kind words, the advice, support and encouragement you have given me since I first joined. This is a great community and I am really glad I stumbled upon it.

I really am feeling like I'm getting back to "me" and while I still have a ways to go I really am feeling much better.

Cheers!
-Gso

Goldie's picture

Great to hear from you

You are getting there and you are right, TIME that awful word when we are still in horrific pain. True though isn't is. Time is the great healer and wanting it and working on your recovery as I know you have.

Keep popping back from time to time. We love the updates on how are members are doing and sounds like you are more than half way there.

God bless,

Goldie

TNR1's picture

Congratulations!!

You have come such a long way in such a short period of time. I am so glad that things have become much clearer for you. I can hear in your post that you have come to grips with what was truly out of your control (the fact that she was an N) and are moving forward with such strength and resolve that I doubt another N could ever enter your universe.

I am also glad to read that you are offering to be there for others as they struggle through what is truly an earth shattering and painful realization/detatchment process. You have always had very sage advice for others.

All The Best!

Sparrow's picture

GSO, I was thinking about you

GSO, I was thinking about you the other day and hoping all was well. Have not seen much of you on the forum. So glad you reached out and updated us!

What you have experienced, what we all have, and how you get through it, is something that you will carry with you for the rest of your life. But, with that said, it won't always naw at you like it has during the journey. What you will take from this experience, are the tools that you will use for the rest of your life.

And that's a beautiful thing.........so glad to hear all is well! Continue to keep us posted!

Gso88's picture

Thanks Sparrow. It has indeed

Thanks Sparrow.

It has indeed been a learning lesson and I will not let myself make the same mistakes again.

I've been busy at work and that has kept me from logging in but I've also avoided it as well during these last couple of weeks to kind of clear the air so to speak. Now that things are sorted and in order I am comfortable coming back to help out where I can.

My best,
- Gso

Hunter's picture

Keep this Buzz alive.. Hunter

Keep this Buzz alive..

Hunter

florence's picture

Thank you, GSO

That's really helped me. It's true that time is the great healer and knowing that you've gone through the horrible exhausting anger bit and come out the other side is very encouraging.
Cheers, flo x

florence's picture

PS

I'm 5 months NC today too - but I suppose we all move forward at different speeds, depending on out situation.

Gso88's picture

Flo, Congrats on the 5 months

Flo,

Congrats on the 5 months NC, that's a great achievement in itself.
Indeed it is true that we all move forward at our own speeds.

I am by no means past all of this and like sparrow said I will always have the scars left behind.

I am fortunate to have a natural ability to detach myself from my emotions and while I couldn't seem to do it at first, once I calmed down enough I was able to look it it from a very cold almost heartless perspective based purely in logic and reason. When I was able to come to grips with the situation in that sense I was able process my emotions in a much healthier way.
I am by no means suggesting that anyone bury, hide or run from emotions, but that is what Ive been trained to do to quite literally remain sane in my profession. The trick is utilizing that skill to embrace your emotions on a much more controled level on YOUR terms. Any advice I give to people here advocates a guarded look back from a distant perspective, almost like an outsider. When you can focus and find a path through the tempest of sadness, disappointment, anger, and frustration raging through your consciousness and get a glimpse of some unbiased personal truth you might just find the path to healing that much less rocky with that anchor of truth to keep you pushing forward.

Best of luck! It does get better!
-Gso

oceangirl's picture

I like these comments.

I like these comments. Awesome words!