Married men who cheat, rarely leave their wives

Married men who cheat, rarely leave their wives
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I was reading something on narcissism last night, and a link was within the site, leading to a message board. It was a message board for mainly women/wives who have been cheated on, and also on the site, were the 'mistresses' of married men, and their stories. It was nothing short of sad and fascinating.

What was fascinating, is that the stats are overwhelmingly high that married MEN typically don't leave their wives for the OW. The reasons can range from money, to the kids...to just fearful to leave. But, the OW on these sites were there to say that was true. They waited and waited...stayed in the shadows of this man's main life, only to be dumped...and the guy goes back to his wife/kids, etc. This isn't to say there aren't marriages that just aren't working, and men left. But, TYPICALLY...the law of large numbers states that men don't up and leave their wives for the other women. UNLESS the wife finds out and wants him to leave.

What was even more interesting, was the stories the wives were telling, as to when they found out about the affair(s)...and confronted their husbands...the husbands totally threw the OW under the bus. Saying...''she's a whore.'' or ''she is crazy, I'm not into her, she keeps coming onto me.'' or ''it was nothing...sex, and that's it. I don't love her.''

On and on the tales went. It was very sad. I thought of some on here who have been with married men. And I can't help but think what does he tell the wife about you. And what did he tell you, about his wife. He is throwing the OW under the bus to the wife it seems, and throwing the wife under the bus, to the OW.

The OW on the site were saying that the guys they were with, were saying how crazy their wives were, how they never had sex, how their wives weren't into staying fit...and on and on the lies went. I wish I could find the link again, I'll have to look...because one wife who is now going through a divorce after catching her husband in three affairs...HAPPENING AT THE SAME TIME...HOLY COW...said that she knew she wasn't perfect, but this isn't how you handle it. You either work on your marriage, or leave the person, she said. Cheating just removes any potential for working on it, from that point on, she said.

Her ex husband sounded like a colossal narcissist. She sounded in good spirits, however.

At the end of the day, everyone. If you encounter a married man/woman, run the other direction if they are coming onto you. For it will always end badly. VERY FEW result in the guy/woman leaving their marriage for you. And there's an old saying, 'you date a cheater, you marry a cheater.'

I know of very very very few marriages in my own social circle, that came out of affairs, and are still going strong. I can't help but wonder though if people that enter into such unions from an affair, forever not trust the person he/she married, because...well, he/she met from having an affair.

It was very eye opening. It made me want to share this, because some here were the OW, and are reeling from being dumped by the married guy. Know this. Whatever he is telling his wife, most likely, is not making you look good. He told you he loved you...but in reality, he just wanted to escape the responsibility and stress of his everyday life. And he's telling his wife that most likely, you were the seducer, and he was weak...boo hooooo...or some variation.

So, if you can't believe why he would go back to his wife, looks like the stats show... that is the norm.

Anyways. Just thought I'd share this.

*disclaimer...I know some here have had affairs, and this isn't about your situation. Sometimes, we do things in life because we got caught up in the moment. This isn't to judge that. I posted this more to show that married men don't leave their wives, and if you are dating a married guy in hopes he does...he most likely won't. And he most likely is just using you. :(

neverlookback's picture

I heard something long ago

treat your wife like the "OW" and your mistress like your wife and it can work for these types - the other woman always wishes she was the wife, and the wife always wonders what the other women gave him that she didnt - mmmm

brinamarie's picture

As Hunter says, we are ALL

As Hunter says, we are ALL the OW when it comes to Narcs.

However that being said.. Given that women are competative by nature, narcs thrive off of triangulation.

when are females going to realize that what he'll do with ya, he'll do to ya. it's all of US who make it appear that these freaks are a prize to be won.

i am so glad to be done w/ the circus. I had the "girlfriend" title we all so badly want, but at the end of the day, i was treated no different than the 30 other girls he was playing me with.

the funny thing is though, they knew about me & i didnt know about them. i'm sure they heard how awful i was. i know i heard that about them... but girls can be so vicious & CRAZY! i still am cyber stalked by at least 2 of the girls he cheated on me with. I know it's not their fault, HE did it to them.. but it seriously makes me hate people/girls. my revenge is that i DELETED him out of my life completely.. i am no longer in his web playing his game & they must know that by now! it's been 9 months.

they're the losers still being his puppets.

laxl's picture

So true!

I lost about 8 years of my life to the illusion that my "true love" really loved me. Spent 6 with him, and probably another 2 just trying to get over the pain of realizing I was lied to, and that (even worse!) I inflicted pain on his poor wife. I was willing to justify cheating - bought into this claim that she was such a terrible person - now, I am so ashamed that I hurt an innocent woman. He told me everything I wanted to hear, and I was so desperate to be with him, I ignored the reality of the situation. Hope that anyone out there who is in the same position will realize that no man who really loves you will keep you on ice while he is married! Sadly, even if someone gave me this advice - I don't think I would have accepted/believed it when in the midst of the affair b/c all ability to se reason was obliterated. But still - if anyone can learn from the pain of those of us who have experienced this - it's worth it. Don't hurt yourself - or the guy's wife. No man is worth such denigration!

Deidre99's picture

hi lax...thanks for sharing

hi lax...thanks for sharing that.
so, what made you come to the conclusion that the wife wasn't as bad as he claimed?

i think to myself, if a guy's wife is so horrible, why won't he leave? lol

there are men who do leave their wives, but it's few and far between. i happen to think it's because the wife found out, and the guy is now required to make a choice, OR the wife says get the fuck out.

IncognitoBurrito's picture

N

N was on his 2nd wife, when he found me, online. He said he and his wife had been looking for baby names. (Right! Hindsight...) She was pregnant with their 3rd child. I even spoke to her on the phone, and sometimes, via messages. Which made the whole thing seem so benign, that I didn't suspect anything fishy at all. She messaged me one day, saying,"Hey add me, because he's going to keep telling me everything you guys talk about, anyway!" I'm married, I had no evil intentions, no thought of anything, one way or another. Thought it was novel, funny, and a little flattering. That's how they get ya, from the sidelines. Didn't know that, then!

Out of the blue, I get a phone call from N, saying his wife had just walked out on him, for another man. That's when he really started honing in on me. Actively, trying to turn friendship into more. Anyway, she's married to the other man now! N can't actively triangulate me with her, so I'm of no use- 4 years later.

Last I heard, and good riddance, he was sweeping his exwife's best friend, since kindergarten, off her feet, and into the mix. Even chumming it up with his kids, his 1st ex-wife, and his mother. She's a regular part of the family! I'm sure it's true love. I'm sure he's not simply using her to get underneath his 1st and 2nd ex's skin in a ghastly way. He's triangulating all of them, and I'm just glad to be the hell removed from that whole mess.

No, they don't leave- UNLESS they are left first! LOL

Used's picture

incog

She was USEING you, to take his mind off the fact she was CHEATING, You were the FALL GUY to keep him occupied... what a pair..

IncognitoBurrito's picture

Yeah...

Oh yes, that, too! To add to the shit storm.

Good grief, I've been Narc'd by a woman AND a man! LOL No wonder, I didn't know which way was up!

That's fine, I've been OUT of the game.

Portia's picture

Married - But Lonely?

I have been on both sides of this issue. I married a man who was a serial cheater. The first time I found out that he cheated I was actually young and dumb enough to believe him when he told me I didn't make HIM feel loved, and that is why he made a "mistake." But he would change, he loved me and only me and he wanted our relationship to work. And of course, I didn't want to be cold and heartless and not forgive him! Or give him a second chance! So I stupidly did. The second time I found out we were "separated" - and he pleaded that I was breaking his heart and she provided comfort. It was nothing, I was everything, and if only I'd take him back it would all be better. So I stupidly did. The third time I found out, I had two small children, and I needed his help to raise those children. But my heart had turned into a cold stone, and I knew I would never forgive him again, and as soon as my children got big enough, I left. I wish I had left the first time -- but I do love my children. I just wish I had found a better sperm donor than the one I was married to!!!!! The point is I could never figure why a woman would be attracted to a married man, and especially him, because he was nothing special as a man. Even less so when you got to know him. I thought there must be something morally wrong with the women -- I just didn't get it. Then I married a second man, and then we separated, and he lied to one who became the OW, and told her he was already divorced. She found out the truth, BUT SHE STAYED ANYWAY. So he effectively triangulated us. I eventually divorced him, and tried to move on with my life, but that made him "want" me even more. So I became the OW, she became the wife, and SHE WAS OUTRAGED that I continued to see him. Why did I not respect her marriage? Because she did not respect mine. So we spent a lot of useless time thinking bad thoughts about each other instead of (DUH!!!) blaming HIM!!! So, as dear Hunter on this sight so wisely points out -- WE ARE ALL THE OW!!! Just supply. Bottom line is No Decent Man will cheat on his wife, or his lover. Work on the relationship, or leave. But don't cheat. Hardest lesson in the world I ever learned. Wish I had learned it when I was a young girl, before all the heartache and pain, but it is what it is. Love yourself ladies, make sure you can trust yourself to take care of yourself. It will be the best thing you ever do!!!!!

janemarie's picture

They are everywhere!!!!!!

I wish I had a dime for every married man I meet who hits on me!!!!! They all claim that they are in bad marriages (although the most recent one claimed he and his wife were happy, but I was just so irresistable......OH PLEASE)

Their only intent is to get laid!!!!!!!!

I guess I have vulnerability written across my forhead because it happens sooooo often!! It's crazy!!!!

Im starting to think that the whole idea of marriage is a bunch of crap.....

dudette's picture

My husband's friends

are the worst, they all seem to think that I am fair game so when I separated from husband (for the N) they all started to hit on me. When I went back to my husband ( dare I say at his insistence - for my son, not ideal but there you go) they carried on openly hitting on me... in front of my husband? bit insensitive? despite the fact that they are all married.... wtf?

Deidre99's picture

I honestly think for some of

I honestly think for some of these men, it's the thrill of doing something illicit, perhaps? And having such an ego that they're entitled to do this. They're 'entitled' to having their cake and eating it too.

I remember a married guy a while back hit on me. Like a few years ago. I remember him saying that his wife didn't respect him...and 'there's only so much rejection a person can take,' I believe were his words. But, the thing is. Either go to your wife and work it out, or LEAVE. NONE OF THESE PEOPLE ARE INTERESTED IN FIXING THEIR MARRIAGE. NONE. They are interested in getting laid as janemarie says, or that are just looking for an escape. I worked with this guy, and we became friends. Like business friends, and he'd share this stuff with me. As a coworker/friend, I'd listen. But, over time, he started hitting on me, flirting, and that's when I said...you shouldn't be doing this. I remember him too saying, 'I just want a little fun.' So, out of the mouth of the scoundrel, right there. lol That's all he wanted. Of course, if I were to participate in that 'fun' with him, and fell in love...to keep it going, no doubt he'd have said...I love you, and want a life with you.

My sister...and friends...have all started relationships with married men. They all ended badly. They all ended period, so that should tell you, it ended badly.

Could they fall in love with the OW? Yes. I'm not saying there aren't men in bad marriages. I'm not saying wives can't be abusive too. They can be. But, again...this isn't how you deal with it...by cheating. And if it's so fucking bad...why are you staying? I remember this married guy didn't even have kids...so what held him there? lol Please.

I just think they like their security at home. They don't want to lose money, if they have any, in a divorce. They don't want to pay child support, if there are kids. So, they stay and make the decision in their minds to cheat. Well, if I can't get what I want, this is how I'll deal with it. I say this for those who are serial cheaters. With no inclination to stop.

This is why MOST affairs when they turn into relationships, where the two people live together and try to start a life, have less than a 5% chance of survival. (I read this on Dr Phil's site recently) Because the affair was exciting. Once it's no longer an affair, it ceases to be exciting, which is why many of these affairs-turned-relationship fail.

The moral of the story. No matter what--do not believe a married man is leaving his wife. He most likely won't...UNLESS SHE FINDS OUT, AND KICKS HIM OUT.

Deidre99's picture

I know bgirl. The whole thing

I know bgirl. The whole thing sucks. I wish I didn't have to learn what I did through the pain and agony of dating narcs. But...hey. Live and learn...and here we are. Better for it, let's hope! ((hugs))

no more an echo's picture

so...who's really the LOSER here?

Part of my healing process has been separating what portion is his crap and what junk is mine...

Yes, HIS intentions were to deceive me, use me and victimize me. But that doesn't MEAN I am his victim (and that's not simply semantics or what I call 'mental Olympics') I am refusing to let the DISORDERED person in this equation DEFINE ME!

I no longer care how he views life, the situation or me. There's a higher purpose for me (and you) on this planet that has NOTHING to do with him (even though he's so USED to playing GOD that he THINKS he IS GOD!)

I gave him WAY too much POWER in this relationship and NOW I'm TAKING it back! (That was, in essence, the very problem with our quasi-relationship)

I don't know how to portion out responsibility and culpability in this mess. He is who he is and he will probably NEVER change- that's the curse of Narcissus. But it was I who stayed. It was I who made the LAME excuses for his bad behavior. It was I who did his emotional work. It was I who overrode my gut feelings when his lies got more obvious. It was I who ignored my healthy needs in the relationship- and put his needs constantly before mine.

But it is also I (UNLIKE HIM) who can learn from my mistakes- who can grow- who can change- who can empathize with others and have empathy for myself. And it is I who can genuinely laugh- who can feel profound joy- who can love deeply- it is I who experience sincere and lasting friendships.

So who is the loser (read also: victim) here? THE NARC! HE is the emotional retard who I like to call 'ROBO-BOY'! It is HE who is doomed to repeat his history over & over again. Let's not envy him.

For myself, it doesn't really matter if I'm 50% or .05% culpable in my entanglement with Mr. Narc.

But ON SOME LEVEL, I hooked into the FANTASY that Preacher-Man was selling me. Going FORWARD, I hope to live more in truth and learn to 'take the world as it is and not how I would have it' (That is a paraphrase of a portion of 'The Serenity Prayer'- see below)

Let's support one another on this journey,
no more an echo= no more a victim

Serenity Prayer

God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world
as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right
if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life
and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next.
Amen.

Deidre99's picture

i honestly don't think

i honestly don't think anyone's the winner, including the narc himself. because he's also living his life in a way that isn't truly dignified. sneaking around, lying to those you love...no way to live. no matter how he justifies it, or she justifies it...they end up hurting in the end. so there's no 'winners.'

the OW ends up dumped eventually (although there's those cases when the husband leaves and takes off with the new woman)

the wife ends up finding out and the marriage is never the same, even if she WANTS to stay in it

the narc is forever lost, with no real growth. just someone who feels justified in hurting people and taking what he needs.

no one wins.

no matter what brings this perfect storm to transpire...the end result will be devestation. that's the take away here too. no matter what's happening in your own life, run for the hills if a married man hits on you. whatever he is telling you is lies. there will be no happy ending. no forever after. not for the wife. not for the ow. not for anyone.

for those here who have gotten together with a married guy, and then look at his facebook, and after he's let you go...he's appearing all happy as can be on facebook. trust me. he's not. either she hasn't a clue to what he did, or he's doing what he can for damage control. again...IT'S ALL A LIE!

I read a lot on here. I can't believe he is staying with his wife, and dumped me...etc. THAT is why I posted this information about the stats. To show that it's not personal. It's not you. It's the nature of the beast, it seems, when it comes to married men who do this.

WHEN A NARC IS INVOLVED. LIES ABOUND!

bgirl's picture

Caught up in the moment:

Caught up in the moment: definitely not.

I'm sure if everyone made the lists I made of the very real consequences and discussed it with the potential 'affair'ee prior to becoming involved, then the subject in question WOULD RUN A MILE!!

In my case he WANTED TO DESTROY ME AND MY FAMILY, so he answered all my concerns with what I wanted to hear. He also duped and took advantage of my husband's maturity and compassion at such an emotive and gut wrenchingly devastating time....

I'm wondering when anyone will ever see that he PATHOLOGICALLY MANIPULATED AND ABUSED MY ENTIRE FAMILY.

Someone please inform me if the statistics included pathologicals? I'd be more interested to know the results of this survey/forum/etc if it was.

If it wasn't me, he would have sourced someone else and played a completely different role to secure that supply.

I personally was completely aware of the perils and pitfalls. I am not 16 yrs old, with no responsibilities, (even then I didn't have a boyfriend) so this shows you that I WAS SIMPLY NO MATCH FOR HIS PATHOLGY.

I was seduced, duped, played, screwed over, devalued, discarded, threatened, abused, slandered and am now permanently scarred for life. I would hazard a guess there are other ladies on here who are in a similar boat.

This advice is useful but when dealing with a pathological the game changes. Surely people recognize this, especially people that are on this forum and have had first hand experiences?

X
B

alicepaul's picture

Very eye-opening.

In my situation, the N/P was a long-time married friend of mine who lied to me saying he and his wife decided to have an open marriage after she cheated on him, and that she gave him a pass to have a fling. Never having dated a married man before (I am not generally attracted to attached men), he had to give me the hard sell about why it would be ok. From the beginning I knew I was just the side woman, but a small part of me thought "what if?" I have thought "what if" about all the guys I have gone out with that I've liked, thinking that they could be "the one", which I realized was something left over from childhood conditioning. But with the N/P, mostly I thought the whole thing would just fade out for one reason or another--I already knew these things never lasted or ended well. I thought him and I would spend an occasional night together. I thought he was my friend who had been crushed by his wife's betrayal and was now getting to experience desires he had locked way for many years.

Um no, that wasn't it at all, which is why I'm at this site. The only thing he wanted from me was knowing he "got over" on someone, anyone, but especially someone he knew who trusted him and who violated her own moral boundaries with the help of his psychopathic lies. Most married men cheat for sex and novelty. That's not what the N/P wanted from me--he wanted to break me, get me to become obssessed with him, triangulate me with his wife, and ruin my sexuality for life. I WISHED that it was just sex that he wanted, and speaking of that, he was terrible at it so I really didn't get anything out of the whole fiasco, except of course for HSV2.

The entire thing was completely unnecessary, except for the valuable insights I learned about my own deficiences that lead me into the situation, and NC is helping me figure out lifelong issues, and I feel like I will never be the same, like many others here. This is a lifechanging experience.

About these men though who cheat over and over yet won't leave their wives. You gotta think about the wife. Is she someone to be envied? Someone we look at figuratively through the living room window and sigh and say to ourselves "Gee, I wish that was me." "Why her, how come he stays with her, why won't he leave her and be with me?" For a little while that's how I thought, but from reading and posting on this forum, I've quickly realized that is NO life to be envying, the wife of an N/P cheater. Nothing against the wife personally, just her situation, being the N's maid, ego-booster, sex slave/masturbation toy, nanny, etc. No, I no longer envy anything about her situation. I can't help her, but I can feel fortunate to have escaped that fate, if not the N/P's filth entirely.

Ladydb123's picture

So very true

Unfortunately for me, a number of men who have pursued me never married, married, a church pastor or a sweet nice guy down on his luck and my only living brother. Am I a Narc Magnet? I don't seek these men out, they just seem to find me. My odds of meeting a descent man has been very bad.

I have been told that I am still attractive at 63. I've tried to take care of my health, exercise, manage my financial business, own my own home where I raised my son from the EXNH. Have been told that I am a good person and yet evil ones are attracted to me.

It just hurts my heart that these are the only types of men that keep popping up. Somehow I feel that I have become a to strong and independent Woman.

newlifeway's picture

Well, mine sure left me for the OW

so I guess it paid off for her!

WellRed's picture

It will not pay off for her.

It will not pay off for her. She is soon to become a victim of his arrogance and verbal abuse. She and he are both cheaters. It's only a matter of WHICH ONE OF THEM WILL CHEAT ON THE OTHER FIRST.

no more an echo's picture

could the flag be more RED?

Deidre,

Good points. I have to add to anyone who is dating a married man:

1) WHY WOULD YOU WANT A MAN WHO CHEATS ON HIS WIFE?

2) Are you really in a hurry for him to leave a woman he vowed to love & cherish for the rest of his life?

3) Do you think you have found a PRIZE? (See #2: He's, at the very LEAST, disloyal, selfish, deceptive,using you...)

4) Do you realize that, even if he leaves his wife YOU are the one he betrays next?

5) Is your self-esteem that LOW that you think you deserve a man's crumbs of affection- (and ONLY ON HIS TERMS!)

6) Is the world suddenly out of SINGLE MEN?

7) Where is YOUR integrity? Do you really think something good can come out of your lack of honesty & ethical principals?

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you're dating a married man, I believe YOU SERIOUSLY need a WAKE-UP CALL! (AND a good therapist!) You truly deserve so much more.

bgirl's picture

No more an echo....if things

No more an echo....if things were as black and white as you stated none of us would be here. I certainly wouldn't be.

I know to some degree I am a victim of pathology. If one REALLY educates themselves about it one would realise there are some very complicated, intricate, PATHOLOGICAL details that are involved with the N/Psychopath married man scenario.

I took FULL responsibility for my part in the union.
To respond to your numbered list.
1. I fell in love with him after he pursued me for one year.
2. I wanted to be with him. (he presented as a person who was very compatible with me.)
3. A prize? I would never rate someone on their past mistakes. People are human. Yes I considered him weak....he himself admitted this....and he also came up with what I thought at the time were plausible reasons to not tell his wife. Mind you I did tell my husband from the start.
4. Obviously I had many doubts. He was very persuasive and convincing about how he felt for me.
5. Yes my self esteem is that low...after being abused as a child and having psychopath parents. So yes it is that low. I think I'm pretty much worthless. Does this make one feel superior to know this about me? Good for them.
6. I wasn't looking for any man, single or otherwise. I was blindsided.
7. I do have integrity. I made some very questionable choices based on my decisions when I was in a haze of depression, emotional abuse and emotional blackmail. So to you I may have no integrity, but I know I tried my very best in a truly horrendous situation where at times suicide seemed to be my only option to alleviate the pain.

If it sounds harsh?
It is and I'm entitled to my opinion too.

I've lived it. I suffer the consequences everyday.
'one only knows what they 'think' they would do in someone else's situation. You can never know what you 'will' do unless you are actually living it.'

X
B

6

lost in the wilderness's picture

There are always shades of grey

In my case I had been married to a Narc for 20 years and all was well until my son was born. Suddenly the Narc had to share me. So he left when our child was 4 months old and ran off with a woman 15 years younger.

During the following 10 years I successfully avoided any meaningful relationships and recognised traits of narcissism in most of the men I met and then the married man entered my life.

We met at a high school reunion and had not seen each other for 30 years. Over a period of 12 months we chatted just as friends and that began to grow into something much more meaningful to both of us.

There was no way I would be the other woman and this man is so noble that there was no way he would allow me to be the other woman.

So all those people that say " leave the marriage first" well this man did. He left his wife for me and we could finally act on our feelings for each other.

On compatibility score of 1-10 we were a 10 in every way. Our life together was going really well until his wife found out about me. Then she pulled the suicide card and out of guilt he went back to his wife. Not being able to live with the guilt if she should ever follow through with her threat and the impact it would have on both himself and his aging Mother. This man is the total opposite of a narc. He is prepared to sacrifice his happiness for the sake of others. Unfortunately I have to sacrifice mine as well.

For the last 12 months we have continued to see each other just as friends, nothing more. 5 weeks ago I had to call an end to the friendship because while I treasure his friendship more than anything, we are both unhappy with the current situation and can do nothing about it. Every time I see him I am hoping he will change his mind and know that he won't.It's just pure pain.

This was the first time in my life I had ever fallen in love. I am nearly 50 so I've waited a long time for it. Knowing I have to move on and actually being able to are two different things. What I have learned is to never get too close to a married man. it can only lead to tragedy.

no more an echo's picture

not much is black & white...

Yes bgirl,

We've all been blind-sided and the Narcs can smell our vulnerability. They truly are predators.

I understand also that they work unrelentingly on our boundaries and thrive on weakening our resolve and causing us to tweak our morals to feed their insatiable needs. Been there- bought the T-shirt!

Now it's my job to take ownership of MY part in the drama because I don't want to dance with these devils anymore. I'm not being judgmental only practical and I need to really take a look at my own pathology.

Not much in life is black and white but if I continue to play with fire, I should expect some burns. The truth is (for me- I'm not speaking for you)I ALLOWED my Ex-Narc to disrespect me. I made some pretty LAME excuses for his bad behavior. I didn't pay attention to the 'road signs' and 'gut feelings' that were telling me that something was VERY 'off' about this man.

I'm on this site to learn, to grow and to change. To share our experiences. To offer one another hope. Maybe even to admonish when one is defending (or contemplating) a foolish action.

But please don't miss my last point. This goes to all reading this but especially those dating (or even considering dating) married men:

You deserve so much better

bgirl's picture

PS: and if it's considered

PS: and if it's considered Karma for some for the 'OW slut, cow, whore etc, well I know because I had integrity I brought about my own Karma/demise. I did tell the truth. I cannot continue to beat myself up for compromising my principles and having temporary insanity which enabled him to behave the way he did.

When will the man involved ever be held accountable? Never.

That is the wife's choice to make. She also has choices. We all do.

Also, in my very humble opinion, no one 'owns anyone.' I told my husband what I felt. What was transpiring. Also when things did not work out with N I did not run back for him to rescue me or for an emotional safety net. So yes, some of us do actually stand up and face the consequences.

I hope my response makes people feel better about the demise of the OW. I'm living proof.

I am guilty of having delusions that I had found someone who loved and accepted me for me. For. The. First. Time. In. My. Life.

I'll never risk it again. So I guess my karma will be for life
Silly bitch aren't I?

X
B
Are we all smiling now?
:)

Deidre99's picture

No one is questioning

No one is questioning anyone's integrity here. But, the website just was a group of people...from both sides of the fence, sharing how devestating affairs are to both the OW and the wives. (I think only women were on the site I'm recalling)

We are human. And we make mistakes. If I had a rewind button, I can honestly say, I'd redo a bazillion scenarios in my life. I regret things I've done. The thing is though, to learn from it. That was probably the takeaway from the website. And from discussions like this. You had your reasons, at the time. I don't know you. I can't judge you. No one can.

But, if we keep doing things after we have hopefully learned the lessons...then, we really didn't learn anything, and then, it becomes a question of character, at that point. That's really mainly what the discussion on there was driving at.

I'd also have to say that the majority of men who chronically cheat, are probably disordered in some way. Maybe pathologicals. Good men don't habitually keep hurting their families. A mistake can happen. When it becomes a lifestyle, it's no longer a mistake, but deliberate.

bgirl's picture

I can look at the would

I can look at the would haves, should haves and could haves until the cows come home. It will not change a single thing that transpired.

You are right when you say that life experience or a lesson learned should prevent one from repeating self destructive and negative behaviour. The pain is so excruciating there would be no repeat behaviour.

However my point very clearly illustrates there are often MANY factors behind these kinds of liaisons and each person involved has their own story, their own life journey and blanket statements of any kind are not conducive to their recovery. (that is if there is even a chance to recover....for some this will not be the case.)

I'd invite someone like Dr Phil himself to come and navigate his way through some people's Narc hell. I wonder what his opinion would be if he had lived it?

I did question the comment about integrity...it is personal and whilst it is very beneficial for some to offer such direct advice it is also beneficial for some to explain their perspective as well. I have not been abusive. I am simply responding to what I've read. This is what recovery is about. Starting to stand up for the truth....most importantly for the truth within ourselves.

All the best x
X
B

Deidre99's picture

that last sentence, i agree

that last sentence, i agree wholeheartedly...
i have often thought, when coming to this site...whatever brought us together, we're here. and we're all healing together. and whatever that looks like.

the takeaway i personally got from reading that site was more how low the stats are that men 'choose' the OW over their wives. most of the women on that site were either wives of men who were chronically cheating, or OW who were involved with these men for years.

the stats i just found interesting in and of themselves. the why's and how's as to what caused the infidelity, i think it's individual for everyone.

i take my sister for example. she was getting out of her own bad marriage at the time. she met the guy. he had a pregnant wife, and two other kids. charmed the pants (literally) off my sister. but, she was accountable to the fact that he was married. no one held a gun to her head. when the dust all settled, and she learned what led her to the guy, she could see her culpability in it. but, i agree with what you're saying, too. that what makes this 'perfect storm' happen are a whole host of factors...and it's not as black and white as people think.

but, if i'm the wife of one of these said 'gentlemen,' and i used that term loosely...i don't think what caused the OW and my husband to get together, will matter much to me. i so wish i could find the website again. i need to find the narcissist site i went on, because that's what led me there. then, i'll post it here, and you'll all find it...interesting. and the dialogue was all civil between the ow's and the wives. it was refreshing, in a way.

bgirl's picture

XxxX They are a destructive

XxxX
They are a destructive tornado Deidre...all the best to you xx I wish they would just self destruct without devastating so many other people's lives. I really do.
Sincerely,
B
X

Sparrow's picture

Some will leave when they

Some will leave when they feel confident that supply is secured 150% with the OW. In my case, and he continues to tell me, he made a mistake, the grass isn't greener, he painted himself into a corner, what she and he have doesn't even come close to what we had........yadda, yadda, yadda.

Well, he had the balls to leave, to take that chance, than he should leave them intact and make the best of his situation, seek new supply elsewhere if need be, because returning to me is NOT an option.

You made your bed, lay in it.........

sunrising's picture

I have read 87% of married

I have read 87% of married men who cheat want to stay with their wives. Even Dr Phil says that if the man does leave his wife the chances of the OW and the husband relationship is slim to none. Check out his site you may find more info

Deidre99's picture

Yes, the stat was very low,

Yes, the stat was very low, indeed...I wish I could find the link for the site. I wasn't planning on venturing away from the site I was on, so it didn't occur to me to really pay attention to the name of the site. It didn't seem like a site like we're on here, more like a site devoted a bunch of topics, and this happened to be the link that popped up in the site I was on.

I think that because I've read so many stories from both sides on this site, it was interesting to see the story told from the OW point of view, and the wife who was cheated on. And the sad truth is the guy doing the cheating, was playing both the OW and the wife...with his lies. He was throwing both women under the bus when it suited him.

We all can make mistakes in life, but I know for me. If someone...married or not...were to cheat on me. I would be able to forgive, but wouldn't be able to stay. I know me, and I would always distrust the person from there on out.

I applaud anyone who can make a marriage work, despite infidelity. Probably a lot of circumstances would depend on if the marriage would be worth saving or not. I think maybe a one night stand...I could ''somewhat'' see...and forgive, and maybe learn to trust again? I dunno. I say that but don't know.

But, chronic infidelity? A man who really has no inclination to staying faithful, then no. I wouldn't want to be married to someone who has such a 'problem.'

I also believe that for men like that, the problem lies with them, and not the marriage at all. So, a wife could stand on her head and do whatever it is she thinks might save the marriage, and the guy will still cheat, because he isn't happy within himself, and is looking for something outside of himself for happiness.

Not unlike how I once was...seeking the approval and validation of narcs, to make me feel worthwhile. I don't condemn anyone who cheats. It's not my place. But, I will say...that if you 'can't stop' your behavior, you owe it to yourself and your partner to reflect on where the behavior is stemming from...and either work on it, or leave the relationship.

I didn't mean to ramble! lol

Thanks everyone for your thoughts to this. Interesting to say the least.

sunrising's picture

I had a foot out the door and

I had a foot out the door and he got friends involved to convince me to stay. My head was spinning so much that I could not think straight and he was able to brainwash me to stay. I told him from day one if he cheat I was gone...what I did not factor in was his manipulation and lies.

You are correct they lie to the wife and to the OW, same lies same you are the one blah blah they just keep tweaking it till something works to keep them both in their lives. When I did stay, everyday I wanted to leave...he would tell me "thank you for staying married to me"...mean while he was still in touch with the other ow plus many others.

The reason why they belittle the other OW and wife to each other is so that we do not talk and find out all the lies are the same. He made me believe it was all her fault he was not responsible because he manipulated him into an affair. And marriage counseling is a joke they will not tell you that you are married to a N/P even though you say all the key words. I learned that individual counseling is the only way to go

scum bags for sure.

Layla's picture

I am a wife of a PD....

...any yes, all you women just CHASED HIM DOWN and are CRAZY STALKERS! That IS what they say!

Meanwhile, "I didn't give him sex". Of course I didn't, he was a abusive violent mean rapist and woman beater! He didn't deserve a good woman. Let someone else give of their precious selves, I'm done!

Soooooooooo glad to be away from him!

And you are right Deidre, it's not judgmental. ALL of us woman should COLLECTIVELY not allow this abuse ANY LONGER!

Love ourselves and WOMANKIND FIRST!

love~ Layla

Deidre99's picture

That's a great way of putting

That's a great way of putting it Layla.

Yeah, it was an insightful 'conversation' between all these women coming from both sides of the coin. One woman was still having an affair with a married man, and said she 'found her soulmate.' I thought...oh boy, here we go.

God would never put a married person in your path, as your 'soul mate.' God would never bless such a union.

I just remember my sister and her affair with that married guy a few years back. He DID leave his wife, but she kicked him out. She was pregnant and found out about my sister. He then lived with my sister, and cheated on her! Sad ending to that story.

They pretty much ALL have sad endings. My sister to this day, still cries over breaking up that man's marriage. She said, even though he said it was on the outs, she still feels he would have left if it were that bad.

No, he wouldn't have. His wife was his meal ticket, and my sister was his chick in the bedroom. He had the best of both worlds...

Interesting to note in the stats was that women cheat for very different reasons, and usually will leave their spouse more than the men will...because the men are more looking for sex, fun, thrills, excitement...while a woman who does it, her reasons are not the same. She is looking for comfort, security, compassion, etc...something she is lacking in the marriage. More women will leave the marriage because the marriage was the problem. While more men will stay in the marriage, and still have gf's on the side.

Oh...before I forget. One of the OW said she 'only dates' married men, as she is not looking for committment. And one of the wives said...'don't you care that he's married and you're hurting someone else?' And she said...'no, that's his problem.'

I marvel at how we have come so far as women in this society, and yet so many women still settle for crumbs when it comes to men.

Layla's picture

Any woman who would say "no, that's his problem".......

.......strongly needs to evaluate her own narc tendencies but alas! We know narcs don't do that, because after all, they are NEVER the problem.

Works both ways!

; )

love~ Layla

Kukla's picture

Interesting

Link?

Deidre99's picture

i will look for it later. it

i will look for it later. it was a link within another site i was on...and i shoulda put it in ''my favorites!''

freaked's picture

yeah true :(((( i wish

yeah true :((((

i wish married men wud get the eff out of the wife's life.
a husband is a leechy leech.

i am not even a functional wife.....but am stuck inside these damn walls. the bitches took the loot an got away.

damn

Deidre99's picture

what do you mean...stuck?

what do you mean...stuck?