April23's Story

Not sure what to do

I am so lost, I am convinced he is a N but we have four young children, I can't end our marriage (yet). I have been reading so much literature on Narcissistic personality disorder in the past few months and many suggest to walk away, run as fast as you can and get out of the relationship. It is not possible for me to do that, but it hurts so much to be with him. I moved from another country to be with him becasue from the begining he told me that we would never move anywhere he is comforable with the place he is in. I hated being away from my family and friends, but he didn't care about my adjustment issues into a new country...all he ever said was "well get used to it."
I started work and worked for 2 years and enrolled into college again and completed my Masters degree, mainly to get out a little and meet some people, because I was in an apartment all day, unable to drive, or visit anyone. He was at work all day and travelled internationally all the time and I was home alone. I didn't have any friends and all my family lived in another country. When I wanted to carry a conversation at nights after work, he said he was tired, and when I called him at work to talk, he would be in mettings all the time and couldn't talk, yet he always told me that he wished we were never married because I was not happy about living here....but it wasn't that, I was in need of his time and attention. I thought if we had a baby I would be OK, so I can give all my time and energy to him, well we now have four kids and been married for 13 years... All thouse years when I felt like I was never good enough for him, that feeling hopeless, and unloved, unwanted, like I am a burden on him turned into hatered, resentment. I can't stand him, I don't want to be around him....I feel so down, so sad, I wanted to kill myself, I asked him why he was so mean to me and made me feel so stupid...I said I am the most educated, social, loving person who'll ever meet in your life, why are you treating me like trash. He says things like, well, you may not be stupid but you sure do act like one, or similar degrating words, and rudeness. I said I feel so sad that I just want to die, he looked at me and said, you would do that wouldn't you just to see if I would care for you...
So I finally decided to go to marriage counsellor and ask him to come along with me, he said, he isn't the one with the problem I was, so I should go see a shirink. I have been seeing my therapist for the past few weeks now, and it helped me to get to know his behavior a little better. I have reading all the criteria of the N personality disorder and it's like they are describing my husband, it is unbelievable. I can't keep up with his put downs, and demands .... his controlling and abusive behavior, but I can't leave, becase I am a citizen of another counrty and my children are born here, he says I can go whereever the hell I want but he won't let the kids go with me. I wish I could just go to sleep and sleep and sleep....permanently...sorry I can't write anymore, too teary to see the computer screen...thank you so much for listening...
April