becsta777's story cont...

becsta777's story cont...
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Round 2 - my story - is this guy a narc too?

I haven't posted in here since April. I thought I was all good. I'd read a ton of books on narcissism, had hours upon hours of therapy and healing work. I felt pretty good, I felt really positive and my son was getting older and easier to deal with and I was ready to meet someone again.

Anyway, I tend to ramble - I'll try to keep this short and too the point.

I was introduced to a man through a 'friend' of mine in September 2011 - This man showed a lot of interest in me and began to ask me out on dates. Initially, I wasn't that interested. He wasn't particularly good looking and he seemed a little boring, but he kept asking me to go spend time with him and was incredibly charming. He also loved my son and my son really liked him too, so I started dating him. A month after we started dating I liked him enough to sleep with him and WOW...it was awesome. I've never experienced anything like it. A month later he moved in with me and although I felt a lot of anxiety and apprehension about him moving in, he kept assuring me that he was 39 years old and desperately wanted a family and a 'normal' life (he's a musician who never married and no kids). He said he loved me and wanted his life to be different.

As soon as he moved in he changed.

He became arrogant and got an 'evil' look in his eye. He criticises me and everything I love, mocks me, picks on me for everything, and bullies me. I can do NOTHING right. He also lost interest in me sexually after a few weeks living here and seems perfectly content to live with me like a roommate. There is no connecting emotionally at all and he refuses to talk to me about our relationship. He watches TV all day or plays games on his iphone and wont talk to me and does not want to do anything with me. He is always angry with me about something and permanently in a bad mood, yet if other people are around he becomes very attentive and considerate towards me and acts as if he is totally in love. As soon as they are gone he goes back to his normal self. Around my family he acts like the perfect 'husband' and they all think he is wonderful. When I tell him I am miserable he makes out as if I have some kind of negativity problem and need help.

As for my two year old son, he insisted from the day he moved in that he call him daddy. I refused but he kept pushing and then I found out I was pregnant so I figured he might as well call him daddy. If my son doesn't want to cuddle him or go to him and wants to stay on my lap or in my arms he gets angry and very offended and seems to get even more resentful of me. He showers my son with affection yet completely ignores me.

Last week I had enough and I confronted him about it. I've already confronted him a bunch of times but he kept brushing me off and saying that I had a negativity problem. This time I was conscious of his manipulations and stuck to my guns. He'd had a LOT to drink and finally opened up. He told me that When I started to care about him and love him he lost interest in me. He said he's been like that for as long as he can remember. He also said he didn't love me. When I asked him to go to a counsellor he said he would but that they were all too stupid to 'see through' his facade and they always said he was fine. When I asked him if he was a narcissist he said he wasn't because he felt empathy. He said he felt more empathy for animals than humans, but when I asked him how he felt when he saw me crying, he said he felt 'afraid'. I asked him if he felt sad at all that I was crying and he said 'no' he just felt afraid because it meant I was unhappy and might leave him. He also freely admitted to playing games with people and messing with their lives because he was 'smarter' than them. He said I should be 'proud' of myself because I was the first person to ever call him out on his behaviour and get him admit to his real self.

When I said I wanted to break up he refused. He said he would not leave me no matter what because I was having his child. He also said that when I have the baby he would take it away from me.

This man is controlling my life and I feel trapped. He controls my finances now and questions me about every dollar I spend. Now he wants me to sell my car (we live in a rural town with no public transport) for no particular reason.

We are booked into 'relationship counselling' next Tuesday. Every part of me is screaming to leave him but I am having his child and I am afraid of what he will do.

Ironically, this man goes on and on about his ex girlfriend who was a narcissist. He knows a LOT about narcissism and thats kind of how we connected in the beginning. I thought he must be ok because he'd been through what I had. But now I wonder if he's not one himself.

I don't know what to do. I'm 14 weeks pregnant.

spinning's picture

Becsta, this man is a psychopath:

" He said he felt more empathy for animals than humans, but when I asked him how he felt when he saw me crying, he said he felt 'afraid'. I asked him if he felt sad at all that I was crying and he said 'no' he just felt afraid because it meant I was unhappy and might leave him. He also freely admitted to playing games with people and messing with their lives because he was 'smarter' than them. He said I should be 'proud' of myself because I was the first person to ever call him out on his behaviour and get him admit to his real self. "

That is all you need to know. Labels are not important. The above truth he told you is bone-chilling. The man's a psychopath. Seek help now.

He moved into your house, KICK HIM OUT. Go to the court system if you have to and evict him. How is it that he has so much control when he moved into your house? Why are you so afraid? Tell someone. Tell a professional, tell th police, tell your family. Get help now!

You are not married so there are no legal ties...this person has psycho written all over him. He sounds exactly like someone who almost destroyed me. Now that you called him out, you can expect a mind boggling D & D...he will abandon you when you least expect it if you continue to allow him to stay.

Do not let your pregnancy play a role in this. You do not need this man around for your pregnancy and you will be okay without him. You have rights! He cannot "take the baby away from you." You do not have to live in fear.

I don't want to go into red flags, dear becsta, but sleeping with someone in a month's time and then allowing him to move in one month later is problematic. He knows your boundaries aren't super strong and he will exploit that. Do not let him.

I am very concerned about you. I would like it very much if you would seek help immediately, either through a trained counselor or from a women's shelter.

If you have a good friend, call him or her and have them with you when you tell him to leave. Please seek help ASAP, becsta. You do not need this person and he will only take you down.

Most sincerely,
(not) spinning. BUT VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOU

becsta777's picture

I have been going to a

I have been going to a counsellor - only once a month though as he says it costs too much money. My counsellor seems to think he's great, although after his admissions on Friday I don't know what she'll say. I'm due to see her again today.

The problem with 'my' house is that I'm renting and when he moved in he went on the lease. He has just as much right to be here as me. My only option is to move out and I don't know how I can afford to - especially since I gave up my job a few weeks ago. I just live off government pensions now. I'll have to think of something.

I think the problem here has been that I just keep listening to everyone else instead of listening to my gut instincts. I got a very clear message that I should not let him move in but I convinced myself that I was all messed up from N1 and that I needed to trust someone again. I actually saw a tarot reader would you believe and asked her what I should do and she told me that 'I' was emotionally unavailable and needed to open myself up to this man who would be wonderful for me and we'd be together forever. I did all kinds of healing work to become emotionally available....although it turns out he had a bigger problem than me all along. Why do I always blame myself?

In hindsight I see that there were huge red flags there and that I acted rashly. I'm trying not to be angry at myself but its hard. I have a son that I am supposed to protect and instead I've put us all in danger and I'm now in a position where I'll most likely be a single mother again with a newborn AND a two year old. I don't know why I keep making these stupid choices. I worked so hard on myself to get strong and to have stronger boundaries but in the end I guess I just got really lonely.

becsta777's picture

I talked to him last night

I talked to him last night and he denied saying/meaning any of he things he said last week. He said he was very drunk and talking nonsense. I'm so confused.

becsta777's picture

Oh and he says he's 95% sure

Oh and he says he's 95% sure I'm a narcissist