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Hoovering- Be careful what you wish for!
Maggster
Member since:
1 year 24 weeks
1 year 24 weeks
Last activity:
1 year 6 weeks
1 year 6 weeks
Hoovering- Be careful what you wish for!
Posted March 27, 2012 - 12:38pm
I have read often on this forum that some would liike to be hoovered- that hoovering means their narcs really care and miss them. I whole heartedly disagree. This is my perspective-
Hoovering is yet another tool used by the narcissist to achieve supply. Perhaps, he is angry we ended the relationship and he wants the chance to discard us himself or perhaps he can't find supply else where so he'll strike in what he thought was the safe zone. But It is really just a further example of calculated manipulation they use to control our lives. They try to appeal to our sentimentalities and/ or our vulnerabilities . It is more of the same, emotional blackmail that use so they can continue to be the ring leader, but only if we let them.
No Contact sends a very loud and clear message; it shouldn't be difficult to interpret. I am done, go away! Hoovering, to me just reinforces the pathology of these hollow men and demonstrates they cannot, do not and will not respect us or our boundaries. Utter disrspect! Please, don't wish to be hoovered.
© E. Scott Enterprises | Lisa E. Scott
We are not certified mental health professionals and this site and message board is in no way a replacement for professional therapy, legal or medical advice.
I want one more hoover!
April 15, 2012 - 6:23pm — uncomfortablynumbmy one and only full-on hoover manoover resulted in even though i got to say what i had left unsaid,he still got the stroke of thinking he got me sucked in...I am actually looking forward and hoping he does the old D&D on his current supply SOON and that he tries to hoover me again so I can reject him!!! Since I never truly rejected him he thinks I won't and that I'm available whenever he wants!! It's soooo anoying I just want the satisfaction of saying meh! no thanks!!!
I came to this conclusion to
March 28, 2012 - 2:49pm — Deidre99I came to this conclusion to last year, when my ex N was hoovering through others, then directly.
This is an excellent insight, Maggster. I appreciate you sharing it. I particularly like how you say it keeps them as 'ringleader.' Yes. When we go NC, if they can get us to break it...and we do? That puts them back in control, to ignore us, insult us, or whatever else they're seeking to do. Maybe sleep with us, if that's what they're seeking.
Ugh. I am grateful for the lessons I've learned but MAN...I'M TIRED. :( Having a bad day today.
Hey Maggster
March 28, 2012 - 4:20am — abrevaYou know, I do not wish to be hoovered -- I do not wish to be contacted. But I'll tell you what -- after an onslaught of DRAMA -- that I get routinely due to the LC I have because of custody -- after an Onslaught of Hoovering Attention Seeking Nonsense -- after that is over -- there is a VOID. A void of time and space and peace and quiet. And it is Unsettling. Because I'm so used to being Spun out - and manipulated - that my mind doesn't know what to do with the quiet. So, there is a wish for action - for something to fill it -- and then it feels like loneliness. It's NOT loneliness -- it's peace and it should be enjoyed. It's RECOVERY. maybe like the stingy feeling after ripping off a band-aid. Not quite sure what to do with yourself. That feeling.
I have LC, too. I hope one
April 19, 2012 - 1:44pm — oceangirlI have LC, too. I hope one day, it all becomes too much work for him to maintain LC w/me and full contact with the OW and her family that my LC will drift towards NC.
That would be awesome!
Yes, I can see this way of
March 28, 2012 - 6:30am — MaggsterYes, I can see this way of looking at it as well. Learning to live life without the chaos and all the bumps on the roller coaster will take some getting used to. Yesterday, in therapy I was talking about how great it feels not to be walking on eggshells, though his repeated Hoover attempts do leave me both on edge and on guard. I know exactly what they are and what they represent. What I need to do now is be prepared for attack at all times and get to the point where I am completely indifferent.
I thank goodness
March 27, 2012 - 8:29pm — SundaySmilehe does not hoover me in the bizarro way he used to.
or at all.
When it was over I was relieved. Thinking of him hoovering gives rise to fear based panic attacks. I know what the result would be. Insanity. So I let it fall away as it should
Such important words - and
March 27, 2012 - 1:28pm — KayJayGeeSuch important words - and this is where it has helped me understand the true power of the delete button on my keyboard. I have been NC on and off for a few years, yes, years. But until recently I became very serious about no more contact, meaning emails are deleted. My home email now rejects emails from his account. I've had my cell phone blocked for over a year now (that has always been his contact of choice). Lately his designated day to contact me via email is Tuesdays - and like clockwork he struck again today at work. But no sooner did I see it that I deleted it - last week I felt sad about it - this week I feel very good about it.
You got it, Maggs!
March 27, 2012 - 1:09pm — spinningIt's ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS, ALWAYS ALL ABOUT THEM!
Hoovering has nothing to do with us and what we want and/or bring to the table. It is blatant disrespect as you so eloquently note, and it truly is ALL ABOUT THEM.
You are doing remarkable, Maggs! The best ever and it is amazing that you have stayed so strong and determined. Great things are in store for your life! I am proud of you.
Most sincerely,
(not) spinning. AND THINKING MAGGS IS STOPPING HER SPIN, TOO!
Well said!! Hunter
March 27, 2012 - 1:03pm — HunterWell said!!
Hunter
My heart doesnt get this bit
March 27, 2012 - 2:51pm — SnowflakeIts one of my biggest struggles..I want to be hoovered still, how sad is that to admit x
Snow
April 18, 2012 - 9:55pm — neverlookbackflake, sorry forgot the flake, not that you are a flake, ha ha never mind .... what I wanted to say is Sparrow helped me a bit with this flair up I had recently about Why didnt he ever hoover me in all these months 8 MONTHS not a word, NOTHING. I am working through this - first what would become of this contact, I KNOW what he is and I know we are not going to go waltzing off into the sunset together, I know I could never have a life or future with this man - his hoover would only be to see if he could further hurt and destroy me that is ALL it would be - furthermore it would only upset me to hear the act again - to get that illusion thrown in my face - the illusion I have worked so damn hard to let die. Nothing good would or could become of it to hear him say that he missed me and that I meant something to him when it would all be just more lies - I know it would be lies because psychopaths dont miss people they only miss things and supply and/or maybe a night of sex. Wanting him to call me is like wanting poison back into my life - these past few days I have been grateful I am no longer needed as supply for him - I dont want to be remembered by a psychopath - that is not a good thing - hope I helped
neverlookback..flake ;)
April 19, 2012 - 4:13am — Snowflakethank you yes that does help and I am trying to work through these ideas myself too so its great to have your advice.
I am reading a book called getting past your break up..its not N/P related but it talks about doing a relationship inventory where you write down..
a) all the positives about the relationship (not the ex but the relationship) eg you liked having a partner.
b) all the positives of your ex..traits you liked
c)five special times during the relationship
d) things your family/friends liked about your ex
e) things you liked about ex that family/friends didnt
f) negatives about the relationship (not the ex) eg you had to be on call to your ex
g) negatives of your ex you wanted to change..anything from bad breath to personality
h) list of positives that turned into negatives..eg you were impressed howtidy they were but this turned obsessive
i) early warning signs that things werent right..that you may have ignored
j) five most hurtful incidents..what was done/said/was there an apology/did it happen again?
k) things you feel you did wrong..not what ex said but what you feel yourself you did wrong
l)major incidents that stemmed from your behaviour..did you do something that led to a big argument? anything you could take back if you could.
m) has anything been left unsaid ..if you had ex in room for five minutes and they could not respond/hurt you is there anything you feel you would want to say/get off your chest.
I havent done this yet as read it yesterday, it is supposed to be written down over two weeks and just re reading it can be an eye opener as an honest feedback of what your relationship was like..apparently we mask/rose tint/forget things..by answering a question/pointer each day over two weeks you get a full audit of the bad/good..
Its a great book and well worth a read, I have ad libbed as a review and not directly quoted but like I said great book full of pointers/suggestions.
That
April 19, 2012 - 6:58am — neverlookbackis a good list to go over but the problem with ending a pathological relationship is we know for quite a while the relationship is toxic to us, we know without a doubt we were with someone that was just not right - knowing he was a sexual deviate did not stop me from wishing this man could and would love me - I would have all negatives if I checked off the list you provided - I would score zero in favor of the relationship. We see the facts and know its hopeless but we have something a normal break up doesnt have we have the persona, the illusion, the act they used to hook us - all of that is why so many break NC because we dont want to believe this person is not the original person that entered our lives nor will he ever be that person. He could bring back all our hopes and dreams if only he would return to the person he once was for us, if he would come back I wouldnt have to suffer like this - but he will never come back because he was never there to begin with. When he was that wonderful person he could have passed that list - they need a jekly and hyde list because that is what we were dealing with -
Just honest Snowflake
March 27, 2012 - 6:30pm — Run4itI felt the same way a few months ago and sometimes, even now, find myself wondering why he did not "hoover" more. Now I remind myself of what my history with him was really like:
The first go round, I dumped him when I discovered the OW, even though we were just dating. I just didn't trust him (with good cause). A month later, he came back with a new plan. He was "hoovering" but at that point, I did not know what I know now. I was dealing with a very sick psychopath and he roped me in for another 11 months of hell.
Falling for hoovering leads you straight back into the depths of hell, don't wish it upon yourself sweet girl.
I cant get it into my head
March 28, 2012 - 3:20am — SnowflakeIt feels like if he hoovered that would be a validation of how much our relationship/I meant to him..its really hard to accept x
Hey Snowflake...I get it..I
April 18, 2012 - 12:44pm — TNR1Hey Snowflake...I get it..I get that perspective. And for a person who isn't a narc, that would be a true statement. Unfortunately, Narcs don't have empathy. This is one of the hardest aspects to get for someone who DOES have empathy.
Look at your sofa...do you love your sofa? What about when you are away from your sofa...do you think about it? What about when you sit on it...do you think...wow...my sofa is great...my sofa is comfortable. Geez, I'm really happy with my sofa. Maybe when you first got your sofa...when it was new and you were admiring it fitting into your place you noticed it. But as time went on...your sofa was just a convenient place for you to sit. The best analogy I can provide is the perspective of objects..that is truly all we are to the Narc. An object. They don't think about us at all because they lack empathy. It isn't anything wrong with us...it's something disordered about them. Do you understand that? I know...it's hard to comprehend and I respect your honesty...but that is the viewpoint you have to come to understand. Narcs are all about themselves...24/7, 7 days a week.
TNR
April 18, 2012 - 12:55pm — SnowflakeI fell for the hoover and he was even worse this time around..lesson learned..I hope so, I am doing NC anyway and it feels ten times worse having fallen for the 'sorry' trick..watch out empaths..because they arent sorry ..not in the way you think.
Sorry, please let me back in so I can have another go at fucking you up even more than last time ..is how you need to read a 'sorry' text/email.
For those struggling please dont give the satisfaction of breaking NC..I lost my power doing just that, I will be ok but dont put yourself through it x
That is the usual MO
April 18, 2012 - 1:10pm — TNR1That is the usual MO actually...they don't get better the second time around..or third..they get progressively worse. Don't be hard on yourself....a lot of us went back under the assumption that he would be "different" this time or we would be "different" this time.
Focus on the fact that you got away and now you are stronger and wiser and won't fall for his lines again. Yay!
Thank you
April 18, 2012 - 1:25pm — SnowflakeJust posting a lot about me to try and hopefully get even one person to think twice...
I cant change the dickhead thing I did but I am hoping anyone wavering will read it and think no thats not going to be me..
And if they do, I will think yay too :)
Really, is that what you
March 28, 2012 - 6:19am — MaggsterReally, is that what you would say to someone else on this forum? Is he a narc? Enough said-
No I wouldnt, I would say I understand because
March 28, 2012 - 2:41pm — Snowflakeits how I feel, just being honest x
Not much hovering
April 18, 2012 - 12:34pm — jenniferMy nc really didn't Hoover much, he saw by the disgusted looks on my face whenever he tried to get attention, through his "wit" or "charm" or funny stories ( ie: exacerbated lies) that I wasn't buying it anymore. We actually weren't talking the last 6 months before I left. He did try to get me to have sex a few times, I declined ( wasn't too tempting!!) he always used sex for manipulation. He knows beyond a doubt there is NO NC ever coming from me again! Lol!