help im think im dating a narc again

help im think im dating a narc again
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its like all my senses are telling me to stop.
but i continue to clamber after the crumbs.. god damn crumbs again.
so lonley and lost in my own soul, still not truly happy in my own skin...
what is it about narcs that is so enticing and alluring.
Handsome, aloof, playing very hard to get...
they pretend so well, so polite and intertested in you, at that start you are not sure...
they you give in to intimacy or sex even..
i wasnt sure but now im really feeling the red flags.
I am still clearly not vibrating on the level I need to be..
else why am i still manifesting this experience.
its horrible..
i am yearning the company of a person who is calling all the shots. When we date and when we text and when we chat on the phone.
he only comes too see me if it convenient and doesn't respond to questions about making plans for future engagements togther.
im stupid cos i already feel pretty strongly for this person. I have had dates after my ex narc husband and i dated a man from Pakistan who was lovely to me but this is the first guy to really make me hot and bothered and excited at the very thought of him and YES he is another dog damn bloddy narc..
OOOOOh im so mad and sad..

does the narcissistic experience mean we have to end up alone or else deal with the heartache of dating.. I hate dating and being a single mum. i want what i was promised - a marriage and a safe family home, the kids and the dream.. there are too many narcs out there. its actually clearly not safe to date these days..

Ha and even if you keep ur wits about u..
its the' bad ones' we apparently go for.
and he is a bad one... and all ive been doing since I met him is scratching in the dirt for his crumbs. Its that thing you know.. where you get a lovely night or 2 togther and you feel 'yes whoo hoo he is the one' and then he pulls back and you dont hear from him at all. its confusing and bewlildering..
i wish i cud put this all back in its box..
put the lid on.
Can it..
the feeling..
once u fall for a narc, he has you, and when he has you watch out..
the trick ladies is not to fall for a narc in the first place.
dont let him in your door.
and definitly dont open your heart..
anyone actually know how you do that??
i know i am in dangerous territory right now.
i have that high alert feeling, cos they like to keep you guessing, will he ring, will he come see you... the narcs lines of comunication are never clear..
fk the crumbs.
i need help ladies and guys..
anyone else encountered this stuff after in dating??

sunrising's picture

follow your gut

follow your gut it knows the truth. My therapist said to be very careful dating again because it is very common to date another narc after ending a relationship with one she recommend the book "How to spot a dangerous man" to read prior to dating.

lmac70's picture

my therapist too

my therapist said the exact same thing! That is why is is VERY IMPORTANT to figure out what we get from these men. Why it is so hard for us to let them go. Because at a certain point it is not about them - but why do we get addicted to them.

Caligirl's picture

Our intuition is a wonderful guide...

But I think what happens is we doubt it, instead of listening. Sometimes it is screaming, and sometimes it is just a gentle nudge or whisper. Either way we need to trust it. We all here know how charming these Ns are. They're like finding a real bunny in your Easter basket, haha! It's hard to walk away, but like someone said, step away from the N. I dipped my toe in the dating waters shortly after my N experience. It's been almost a year that I've been out. I started seeing red flags in the couple of guys I dated and have been staying on shore for awhile, reading, working on me. I know I'm not ready yet. I think when we find that we're falling right away or have that intense attraction from the start, we need to heed that sign! I think that u seeing the situation, accepting crumbs, inconsistent communications from him, IS GOOD!!! Pat yourself on the back, girl!! U r recognizing that this behavior isn't worthy of someone like u, and u deserve better! Prouda you!! :) Hugs!

Qing Yuan's picture

Thanks Caligirl! I never

Thanks Caligirl! I never thought of making this something Positve by seek g that I've recognised it!! It's really helped me cos I was feeling confused and strung out by it until I turned the corner! Guess it just means I've got work to do on myself!!

Caligirl's picture

Qing Yuan, you're welcome!

The last guy I dated was confusing me too after only two dates. I learned to listen to that...would a non-disordered give mixed messages? No. I gave this guy a chance bc I met him naturally at my niece's basketball games. He told my sister he thought I was really attractive. The first date he asked if I wanted to go back to his house (that was right after sitting in the restaurant where he says, "U have pretty eyes. U have nice legs" back to back (flattery). He was also saying his ex-wife hit him and called the cops (the pity play). He was talking about her mental issues (the crazy ex). Then he told me his days he didn't have his kids were Mon/Tues and would like to go out...calls me Tues eve at 6:00 pm and asks if I wanted to go to a 7:30 movie. I declined. I'm glad I saw the signs, bc this guy was good and very covert!

I had the most painful experience of my life with my exNP-fiance. We've all been through this unfortunately, and it brought us here. We are all on that road of healing. All my life, I naturally tried to see the positives in things, which was the person I was before I met my ex. He almost broke me and robbed me of that! We've all been there, but think of the knowledge we have all gained that we would never have searched for had it not happened! We can heal now and re-discover who WE r and what WE want! In that, lies power and strength!!! So when u come across one of these vampires (and let's face it, they're out there and everywhere!), just tell yourself, "I need to pass on u, bc I can see u for what u r, bc I was given the opportunity to educate myself, so I can protect myself. I am a strong, empowered woman, and I deserve more!" We all do!!! Believe in yourself, QY! :)
Sorry for the long post. xoxoxo

Qing Yuan's picture

pls dont be sorry

your post is realy supporting me right now. im going to probably lose my home now in a nasty divorce because my ex narc husband has masses of debt and he is a complete jobless wonder..
so i see a change is coming for me..
i try to stay positive and think that God wont let me and my son end up somewhere awful..
but i though here was one thing that was good for me. a beautiful man who seemed so genuine and one night we opened up so deeply i was totally smitten and fooled. i volunteered all the information he required to give him power over me and then sure enough after that date he went all quiet.. and was frankly sheepish about meeting me again..
they defy boundaries somehow, they want sex on first dates and they make no bones about this. i can bet what he had in mind for you to take you home to his house. and the arrangements they already make for you in there heads. we are objetcts to move around and control and if they do not require us at any giiven time then we will be out of sight out of mind... so they tell you the days and time that is convenient etc..
and the victim stance they use of the ex.. who was apparantly 'crazy'... but maybe she was god damn crazy if she was being driven to a dark place.. god knows we all know here..
its tough lesson to heed and it hurts like hell. the worse kind of pain, the pain that people cant see or know about and it criples you.. Im glad your healing and doign so well now.. Thanks Caligirl..
i love ur affirmation... thanks i will use it..
xx

Journey's picture

I'm sorry Qing, I can't

I'm sorry Qing, I can't answer the dating questions I'm afraid, as I have not dated at all since the narc. I made a decision that I will date only if it is a natural happenstance of meeting someone - not because I'm lonely, or looking for a guy and for sure (at this point at least), no online dating - I don't care if that means I will sit at home alone every weekend - to me now, nothing I'd get from them is worth the torment of falling for another narc.

It would seem to me that boundaries (or a lack of them), has much to do with attracting new narcs into our lives. I know it was my big mistake with the exN. I ignored the red flags, let him stomp all over my non existent boundaries thinking I could trust him to not violate that trust. I was wrong and never want to make that mistake again.

I was reading about this very thing today on Baggage Reclaim:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/the-broken-windows-theory-applied-to-bou...

Being willing to take only crumbs is telling him he doesn't need to offer you more and you are not showing him you are worth more because you are accepting only crumbs. You have to start believing you are - we all have to be brave enough to say that is NOT good enough and walk away, regardless of our level of attraction and desire to see it work out with any new dating prospect.

Otherwise, we will never attract a normal, healthy relationship because narcs can see from a mile away when we are not valuing ourselves enough to do that, turning us into prime targets for fulfilling THEIR agenda, while ignoring our own need for reciprocity in the relationship.

Good luck and welcome back, though I wish it was under different circumstances :(

Qing Yuan's picture

thanks 4 ur words Journey

thanks Journey.
ur message resonated with me.

you wrote this...
"Being willing to take only crumbs is telling him he doesn't need to offer you more and you are not showing him you are worth more because you are accepting only crumbs. You have to start believing you are - we all have to be brave enough to say that is NOT good enough and walk away, regardless of our level of attraction and desire to see it work out with any new dating prospect"

yes we have to brave enough indeed. i certainly did not see until it was too late. attraction and desire can be strong with these guys....

I was dating and feeling pretty satisfied that none of the men i dated, were the 'one' and niether were they narcs. And wierdly I knew form the picture of this guy, that he was a narc and in spite of how he approached me wherby he totally frazzled my bounderaies.. (first date at my house) he charmed me in until I was putty in his hands..

he told me about how he was beaten up in his first marriage by his wife and he told me how senstive he was and how special his 'image' was and how ...misunderstood.. he was/is...and so on...

and well the catalogue goes on and somehow i was still hanging in there..
i knew all the while, and yet i still kept chasing.. my weakness... his beautiful face, his smell, his voice, the way he talks that captivates me.. like he was in my head... like we were on the same wave length. oh my how do they do that thinng???? its like they read you and then mimic it to perfection.. DIFFERENCE?? I can see this tie. im not fooled... But i felt besotted like i did when I met my ex narc husband.. chasing and accepting the crumbs!!!!

Last night I tried to hook up a date with this guy by text and he actually just scooted over it..and sayign he wud have postpone our orignal arrnagment... I realsied that I was done chasing the crumbs.. I set this rule for myself.. Either a man shows his interest in a healthy way and makes the effort to make me feel appreciated and wanted or forget it..

thanks u for this message. it helped me so much.. thanks you all. x

Journey's picture

" I realsied that I was done

" I realsied that I was done chasing the crumbs.. I set this rule for myself.. Either a man shows his interest in a healthy way and makes the effort to make me feel appreciated and wanted or forget it.."

- So glad to hear it Qing - we ALL need to do this! It is time we value ourselves MORE than we value what we hope they might give us if we continue to 'appease' them.

When they are willing to give because they WANT to, we'll get the best, which is what we deserve and until then - we DON'T need to settle for less! xo

cant smile without you's picture

i look at your post this way

dont get me wrong im only 7 days nc and really feeling the pain
i have read so much and really got in touch with a few things and some home truths.
heres how i see your post.
someone once told me that the things you edure in life good and bad are always teaching you important lessons. if you have something to learn that will guide you on the right path for your soul purpose you will keep making the same mistakes, you will get the same lesson time and time again until you have truly leanrt from it and made the changes for youself within to tavel again along the right path.
this is how i see our red flags now.

hoh hummmmm i so wish i could take my own bloddy advice and eat humble pie at times

much love xxxx

rosedewittbukater's picture

Listen to your instinct

Don't ignore that inner voice. Not listening to it is how some of us got here.
There are decent men out there that can have a healthy relationship based on mutual respect. They won't avoid questions about the future, ignore you and they will respect your boundaries and take your wants and needs into consideration. You deserve that!

Renegade's picture

Put the narc down and step

Put the narc down and step away! You want a stable married life you're not going to get it by chasing emotionally stunted man children.

Build a relationship with yourself first - happily ever after comes later.

Sparrow's picture

It appears to me that you

It appears to me that you like the "bad boys" and there is a reason for that. Have you discussed this with your therapist? Lots of gals like the bad boys, for many reasons. They are exciting, fun to be around, full if energy, passionate about life, sexy........the list goes on.

Tv , books, and movies have depicted the bad boy to be all of these things as well. They romanticize bad boys. Every girl has wanted a bad boy. The reasons why, you may find interesting. Dig a little deeper with your therapist for the answers.

And cut this guy loose, your not ready to date yet it would appear. It takes time, you will get there. As tempting as it is o hang in there with this guy, you know the ending to the story already, so spare yourself the grief, aggravation and heartbreak.