Sweetpeasarah's story

Sweetpeasarah's story
0

Feel ready to do this now, so here goes...
I first met toad 20 years ago. We had a very brief fling due to him being with his then long term partner and mother of his two children. I should have heeded the red flags even then.
I stopped seeing him because he was cheating on her, it was extremely difficult not seeing him, as he had me hooked even tho i only saw him every now an then. I can remember how fantastic i thought he was.
fast forward to aug 2009. Had'nt clapped eyes or heard anything from him all those years, i had several failed relationships,and married twice. Then on Aug 2009 bank holiday i bumped into him whilst out for a drink in a local pub. Wham bam... he was all over me like a rash...and i was hooked again within the first hour. We were joined at the hip for 3 month's solid. He is alchol dependant, and smokes cannibis daily, always has so he tells me. Wasnt a problem to me i was head over heels in love with him. He was charming, sexy, attentive, funny, caring,generous...yep too good to be true.
Then i went for a routine mammogram. Everything changed. i had the recall on my results, narc wasnt around. Went for biopsy, narc wasnt around. In the pub getting pissed on both occasions, his excuse? couldnt cope with what was happening to me?!? Needless to say, i was devastated, this man who had been my Mr Everything suddenly, when i needed him, couldnt f**king cope. I called him on it and he disappeared, wouldnt answer his phone, ignored me completely. I got the results from the biopsy, i had breast cancer. Caught relatively early, but aggressive.He knew the day i was getting the results. Didnt call, zilch, nothing. My lumpectomy was sheduled for 16th DEc 2009. I felt my world collapsing around me. Where was narc? well, came crawling back about 2 weeks before my surgery, giving me all the 'cant cope with whats happening to you' sketch, crying, etc etc, i was soooo pleased hed come back. His drinking and disappearing got worse over the two weeks, but me being me, made allowances for him, thinking it must be difficult for him too. Day of surgery arrived, of course he had already told me, cant go with you, cant stand hospital's, ok, i say thats ok (i was gutted really)my sister will go with me. He asked me to ring him when it was done. Surgery done, lymph node sent of for testing if it had spread (so not quite out of the woods at this point)I rang him. Where was he? in the pub, completely pissed and had got into a fight. My sister took me home, he turned up, drunk as a skunk, hurriedly asked if i was ok, then spent 2 hours going on and on and on, that he had to lie low cos police were looking for him etc etc. Then fell into drunken sleep on my sofa. Just what you need after surgery. From this point on nothing was ever the same. I started to lose patience with his behaviour and lack of concern for me. I was quite a strong character, but hey, cancer?! could do with some support here! If i so much as mentioned it, off he went. Silent treatment. So post surgery, my best friend, looked out for me, took me to appointments, and basically held me up. Again he knew the day i would get the lymph node result, not even a phone call, zilch, big fat zero. Thankfully it was good news, the cancer had'nt spread. who did i celebrate with...you got it, not the narc. It was now approaching xmas 2009, back he comes, tail between his legs, an yes, yet again, i let him back. things changed even more. Prior to the cancer, he always took me out with him, to the local, never gave me any reason to be suspicious. i was feeling a little better, and asked him if we could go to the local for an hour or two, suddenly, all the excuses not to take me came out. Ok i thought no big deal.then he started guarding his mobile phone like it was the crown jewels, every time i mentioned it he would go off on one and leave. Started turning it off the minute he arrived at my house. We had a huge row about it day before Xmas eve. He left. didnt see or hear from him throughout Xmas. I was distraught, called him, went to his home, nothing. Wouldnt speak or see me. It was a dismal Xmas. 3rd Jan, back he comes again. He had changed dramatically by this time, gone was the caring, loving man. He point blank refused to talk our issues through claiming i was the only one who had any! So either shut up or im gone. I was stil in a very fragile state of mind, and just couldnt bear the thought of him going, so i kept stum. I started radiothaphy treatment beginning of Feb 2010, daily hospital visits for 8 weeks, i couldnt afford to take time off work,the effects of the treatment arent good, exhausting, when i look back dont know how i did it. Meanwhile, on top of this my beloved late father was getting very ill, so was trying to come to terms with the fact that i was going to lose him. Daily i went to the hospital, getting weaker by the day, most of that 8 weeks narc was in the pub, if he came to see me was usually drunk. More often i didnt know where he was, if i called him he would either have phone off, or tell me i was being needy?!? I once said, look can you not see this treatment is tough, a kind word or gesture would be nice....his reply? Oh the self pity is getting too much now!!? God what a bastard. My treatment finished and i was exhausted, but, hey, i had the all clear! Narc continued the disappearing, returning, hiding phone, snapping at me, not much affection etc. I had serious issues that he was cheating, but if i asked him, hed ball me out and go silent. Yet i couldnt finish it, i loved him more than i can explain, even with the way he was treating me. May 2010, my father took a turn for the worse, an tragically passed away. I was completely floored. The day he died, narc was as usual in the pub, told me that it was 'family business' and nothing to do with him!I got through it somehow. By this time i was CONVINCED he was cheating, nothing made sense, caught him on his lies numerous times, recieved drunken texts that im sure were meant for some other woman, and he point blank refused to take me where we used to go regularily. Then one rare time he honoured me with his presence (he actually said that to me once!!)he fell into his usual drunken sleep on the sofa. It was late about 1am, a text came through on his phone, he had forgotten to turn it off or hide it. So i looked. It was from a woman. Next day i kept stum. Eventually i told him id seen it and asked him what was going on. All hell broke loose and off he went screaming at me that i was mental and had serious issues!!! And so it went on for the rest of the year, him leaving, crawling back, me caving in and letting him. Month of loveliness, than the crap again, getting worse each time. And still i loved him, couldnt bear the thought of him leaving forever, completely and utterly hooked.Ive ALWAYS considered myself strong, but not where he was concerned...oh no, more and more crap treatment. My health deteriorated, went on anti depressants, but still i clung to him. Another Xmas approached, first one without my Dad, and yes, you know whats coming....narc disappeared throughout The whole holiday period. I was on my own. Back he comes in jan, off we go again. I now was POSITIVE he was cheating, which goes against everything i believe, but still i kept going, taking in all the lies and deceit. He well and truely knew he could do what he liked by now, and did. Sex was horrendous, i was a variety of masterbation, nothing more, nothing less.Feb came 2 days before Valentine's Day, he orchestrated a row, left. didnt see or hear a peep from him for 4 months. Nothing, zilch, Big fat zero. I texted, pleaded, begged, got angry, cried, everthing, nothing. i started to give up....omg looking back i should have left well alone. June 2011, a friend invited me to go to Tenerife for a weeks holiday. Decided to go, life was looking a little better. flight day arrives,i get on the plane, phone off, happy days. Landed in Tenerife, turn phone on, 6 missed calls, 3 texts. Yep, from narc, not a peep for 4 months, the day i feel better than i have in months, an there he is, 'where are you?? ive called at your house,Where the hell are you , i need you, ive missed you blah blah blah. An guess what? my heart was singing!! yep i was over the moon...yes!! he still wants me!! hes come to his senses...its me he wants!! I couldnt contain myself, all i wanted to do was get back on the plane to see him. Week later, back home i go, hes sat on my doorstep waiting for me, been there for 4 hours (neighbour told me after)I was like the cat that got the cream (wtf), him?, gave me a casual hug, and went back to exactly how it was 4 months before. All my 'getting over him' work out the window in 5 minutes, i was hooked again. If your still reading this, good on ya i know its lengthy!
so we are back to same old except worse, because id basically let him walk all over me, he did it some more...but worse...so much worse. A week of being wonderful, then disappear, on, off, on, off. Nov 2011, my estranged mother passed away. Family problems since my dad died, meant my mother was not close to myself nor my bro and sis, but her passing away was still obviously tramatic.and i was moving home. And yes, again you know the script, narc nowhere to be seen throughout. Xmas 2011, nothing, silence.New years eve, back he comes. Phone off the whole holiday weekend, sob story as to why he wasnt around blah blah.2nd jan 2012, i have a call from OW. Yep he finally slipped up. Girl half his age, with 2 young children, and to top it off, a mate of his ex ,and father of the kids. the f**king monster. turns out she has been seeing him off an on since Aug, turned his phone off when at hers, and turned it off at mine. Said the exact same things to her, as he did me in the beginning. Horrible fucking vile bastard. Ive since found out he was cheating with some other women when i was having the radiotherapy, a barmaid from the local(hence why he wouldnt take me there), also the 4 months before i went to Tenerife, when i didnt hear a peep? Yep was seeing a woman from the apartment block he lives in, a druggie mate. Thats just the ones i know about, god knows how many more there are. Hes told each one that im a looney, round the twist psyco!! Had all joint aquiantances lie to me for him, cos they are afraid of him. (havent mentioned but he has a crimnal background for violence, and very much the 'I AM' attitude)Tho i will say he was NEVER violent toward me. He has a very strange relationship with his mother...sort of fears her wrath, an his dad is a drunk and was a serial cheat too!
Since the 2nd Jan when i spoke to ow, i still had contact with him on and off for about 2 weeks, mainly me just balling him out, he on the other hand, just tried to deny, and blame me! Then i found this site. Thank god i did, because everything ive read here makes sense out of the nonsense ive endured from this creature. Its getting a little easier each day, sadly i still even now have some feelings for him, or should i say the false him, but i cannot go back. ever. There is so much more to my story, but im sure any who read this are all too familiar anyway, and sadly, from what ive read, some much worse than my experience. If i listed all the awful things hes said and done id be here, typing, all night!
If you had managed to stick with reading all this, i thank you. Ive read on here that it helps to tell your story to 'get it out' wasnt sure about that, but having done it now, i do feel it has helped!
god bless, and love to you all
xx

sweetpeasarah's picture

Thanks Hunter

and everyone who posted. Your words and encouragement, mean a lot. Yes, i do have self issues, none of which i'd faced up to until this experience with toad, the only good thing to come out of the nightmare. I am seeing a therapist now, and have learnt where my issues come from, working on it is hard, but necessary!
x

gingercat's picture

My dear girl........i too had

My dear girl........i too had to undergo a surgical breast biopsy and the terrible toad I had allowed to walk all over me for 12 years actually signed the hospital release, talked to the doctor, knew results would be given in less than 36 hours and guess what? TWO WEEKS went by before he even mentioned it. Never even asked me if I had cancer (in my case I was cancer free), how I was feeling, did I need anything, etc. The difference is I was not in the least bit surprised at his depraved lack of empathy. I had been kicked to the curb for a dozen years so many times and in so many ways that not even caring if I had cancer was normal for him.....actually, he was disappointed I was cancer free. I've since realized he would have loved to take advantage of me by begging anyone who would listen for money, free rent, etc., while pretending to be my caregiver. During prior medical issues (hysterectomy, etc.,) he actually hindered my recovery and I think my healing was never as complete as it should have been. You are so strong and went through all of this while dealing with a drunken psycho......you deserve much, much more. When I finally got tired of hitting the curb I put an end to it. Have only seen him a couple times in almost two years and both visits were brain f###ing nightmares. Keep as healthy as you can.....pour your energy into yourself and know we understand.

fearlessfemale's picture

unbelievable...

...yet so very true.

This is what is so frustrating about these narctards.
They can be so unimaginably cruel, cold, evil and carry on like your life has zero meaning...the confusing and mind-fucking part is we love them! wtf?

Narctardisis is a serious disease and I hope you beat it
as well and with all the strength and courage you had
when facing your cancer.

God love you and protect you for the rest of your days, dear. I cried for you this morning...and will pray for you tonight.

Congratulations on taking this wonderful step on your road to recovery. Please know there is something bright, pure, and beautiful waiting for you in your future. I do not believe God would have had you endure all this pain for no reason...he has plans for you sweet girl.

I know one thing, GRATEFULNESS will start to emerge in your daily life. You will start to feel grateful for the simple things without even trying. Or at least this is my wish for you...it happened to me. I have since become magically grateful for everything once i came out from under "his spell..."crackhead"...aka "toad" in your case.

I believe it's because I realize now I most certainly would have died had I stayed with him any longer. This would have been his "ultimate" supply feed...sucky for him.
He didn't get it.

-fefe

Hunter's picture

Same Guy different Body..

Same Guy different Body..

This guy is an A + LOSER...

You have a lot of self issues .. Get to a Therapist and resolve them., we find ourselves Narced because of underlying problems.,

Stay away from him., NC

Hunter

Emma's picture

One very strong lady. It's

One very strong lady.

It's good to hear youre away from his sorry arse..NC all the way!! x

sweetpeasarah's picture

thanks Emma!

Growing stronger each day, thanks to this site and NC. He's a goner now! NC is empowering, about the only thing that is against these monsters.!
love and strength to you
xx

Sparrow's picture

You are a true survivor in

You are a true survivor in every sense of the word! I look forward to getting to know you better here on the forum. I believe you will be of big help to many here in the terms of strength, commitment and perseverance.

You survived breast cancer, all whilst enduring a relationship with an NPD. AND your still standing! Awesome!

Be proud of who you are, and of where you are going. Because your journey has only just begun, and you have many many years of happiness ahead of you!

Welcome to the forum survivor! It s a pleasure to meet you!

sweetpeasarah's picture

Thank you Sparrow

For your kind words as from Layla. I must say, that my survivor instinct was seriously flagging before I came across this site and everyone here, there seemed to be no hope. But now,even tho we are conversing in cyber land, the COLLECTIVE strength between us has turned a corner for me, my survival instinct is slowly kicking back in, i can surely say that this would not have happened, without this site to come to daily. So come on girls lets kick ass and blow the vile disgusting monsters out of our lives, we can do it, we all have a strength thet they WILL NEVER POSSESS!
love to all

Sparrow's picture

You go girl! Much love to

You go girl! Much love to you my friend! I am so happy you found us!

Layla's picture

I read every single word.

WOW.

Firstly, I am so sorry for the loss of your dear father, and your mother. Your battle and ultimate win with breast cancer while dealing with one of these monsters is inspirational to say the very, very least. I am in awe of you. I hope your health is improving. : )

No doubts you got yourself there a class A PDI no doubts about that. Sounds sociopathic too, to be honest with you.

I knew is was going to be a good read when you wrote, "I first met toad 20 years ago"....I thought, "Whoo-hoo, here we go!"....hahaha!

Glad you are here with us, Sarah!

love~ Layla

sweetpeasarah's picture

thank you Layla

for your kind words, much appreciated. I guess when i look back on the past 2 years, i sometimes wonder how i got thro! But, having found this site and all the wonderful ladies (and guys)here, and reading some of the experiences Ive come to the conclusion that, even with all the abuse we have suffered, we have one MAJOR thing in common, and that is we are ALL strong, prehaps none of us feel it right now, but we are all here, gathering together and fighting, and to me that puts us in a great place,and speaks volumes. Everyone here is at a different stage, but collectivly i believe we will all win and become happy again one day.
thank you also for asking after my health, i am doing very well, had my second annual check a month ago, and all clear so far.
I havent read your story yet, but will search it out, i hope you are finding it easier as each day passes, remember we are ALL strong, we can do this...FU to all the narcs!
Hugs and strength
Sarah