neptune1's story

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#1 Mar 22 - 9PM
neptune1
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neptune1's story

Sweeeet Revenge!!!

I'm so very thankful for finding this site. I just wanted to share my story of revenge that helped me tremendously! Let me start from the beginning. I met my N online. It's been 5 years and I'm finally off of that roller coaster; its finally over! In that 5 years he took me to wonderful places but once we got there, his "other side" would show up and we'd end up having a miserable time. Who the hell goes to the Caribbean to have a miserable time??? Each time we'd go somewhere he had to carry his laptop so that he would have internet access and I'd find out that at some point on the trip, he's sitting online talking to someone else! He used to buy me wonderful things along with the trips which I think was apart of his allure but the hatefulness that would follow was unbearable. I started to think that he may be bi-sexual because though the sex was great, sometimes he would shut down and act as if he just wasn't in the mood but if we were out and about,he would strike up conversations with men about something random and he would have that weird eye contact thing going on that supposedly gay and bi-sexual men do to come on to each other.
He was the epitome of that poem about the little girl with the curl in the middle of her forehead... when she was good she was really really good but when she was bad she was horrid! He'd call me all sorts of ugly names and I didn't understand what I'd done to make him flip to the bad side so I would try my hardest to be loving and understanding because in my mind I thought since he'd told me that all of the previous women had cheated on him or done this or that to him, I was going to show him what a good woman was and it was driving me crazy that no matter what I did, he couldn't see that I wasn't just good, I was great!
I went so far as to resort to psychics!!! I've spent so much on psychics trying to help me make sense of the madness that it's ridiculous!!! One of the psychics I've talked to so much that she is now a dear friend and I call her just to chit chat! But no matter what the psychics told me, and quite a few did tell me that I was dealing with a N and that if I didn't leave, I would be miserable, I still kept going. We had a long distance thing going for awhile and though the times were wayyy off, he'd call me in the middle of the night and talk and talk until it was almost time for me to get up and go to work and then we'd get off the phone. I used to think it was cute because I felt that he was making sure I didn't have someone else sleeping with me. Now I know that had he been a real man, he would have wanted me to get my rest.
I'm a fairly attractive women but I saw pictures of most of his ex's and all I could do was laugh! He was insulted that I pointed out everything that was wrong with each of them. Mind you, in the beginning he would tell me what was wrong with me and what he liked about different women...I guess to make me self conscious which I became but as I grew tired of his mess; I started to realize what made him uncomfortable and that was to casually put him or something about him down. He's said some hateful things about me and my family during one of his what I like to call "spells" but I cut him deep when I casually asked him if his kids were really his and I thought that maybe someone was getting over because they look nothing like him or anyone on his side of his family. I thought he would kill me that day from the way he looked at me but there was a hint of wonderment in his look as well, almost like he was thinking that as soon as he could, he would confront the mother of his kids! Score one for me!!! I'd created an ugly picture for someone who always wants to seem so damned perfect and I could tell he hated me for it but it gave me a high to see him thrown down off of his high horse over a ugly seed I'd planted in his mind about his kids.
I spent hours over the years pouring out how I felt be it anger or hate or love via emails and often times the only response I'd get was "thanks" or "ok". But when I would start to pull back, his radar would go up and he'd reach out about how he thinks he's ready to marry; I guess to reel me back in and it worked until he'd get bored and disappear for weeks again thus prompting me to write another lengthy email about respect and blah blah blah. I now know that it all went in one ear and out the other. No birthdays were ever acknowledged, Christmas was an after thought and I went from looking up psychics to looking up spells online because I wanted him hurt!
I've daydreamed about him having a stroke and having and entire side of his face be paralyzed (lets see how many chicks online would want him then). I've daydreamed about him getting prostate cancer and them having to cut his testicles off (not sure if they do that but it was my daydream) I've daydreamed about him being in a bad accident and being wheelchair bound and being totally dependent and having to hire someone to help because no one he knows likes him enough to do it.
What I've had a hard time wrapping my mind around is the fact that karma seems to overlook N's. They get everything they want and could care less who they hurt in the process and if it isn't useful, they'll get something new and that goes for people too!!!
Well I'd had enough because another women of his called me and told me that she was his woman and had been for years and it made me want to vomit! She told me about all of the things they'd done together and how he'd told her the exact same things he'd told me!!! I was so upset I couldn't think straight because we'd been getting along wonderfully and getting ready for another big trip. She was hurt and upset that he'd never taken her anywhere. Sadly enough, that little tidbit made me feel superior in someway...that I must be more important because he was spending money on me and not her. But after that call, I was so upset that I had to go to the Dr. and was put on Xanax for my nerves. I literally sat in a daze in my bedroom for 3 days, not going to work, not showering, not eating and just crying. It's amazing that when you are really upset, you never run out of tears. You'd think that after 3 day's my tear-ducks would have been bone dry...nope! So after day 3, I felt like I just couldn't make it. My heart hurt so bad and when I say my heart hurt I mean that my chest literally hurt as if I was going to have a stress induced heart attack. Then I thought, I wonder what would happen if I was gone; would he miss me, would he cry, would he just say "oh well". That's when the revenge wheels started turning and that heavy sensation in my chest went from being a result of heart ache to being from anger and rage! How DARE this man not see what a beautiful, attractive, funny, intelligent, articulate, and genuinely caring woman I am!!! How DARE he call me names and compare me to others and make me waste precious years of my life waiting on his false promises!!! I was going to fix him!
I got on the phone and called him and told him that I wasn't going to be his burden anymore and that he could go screw who ever and do whatever but I loved him and wasn't going to be a pawn in his sordid world of mess. Keep in mind, at the time we were still having a long distance thing. I had my gun and I was outside in a field behind my house and I shot into the air! I heard him scream and call my name over and over but of course I didn't answer...let the worm squirm! It took everything in me not to crack up laughing at what I was doing but I kept thinking "serves him right to think I would go this far" I finally hung the phone up after a long unbearable while of just standing there hoping that no one would run up on me to see what was going on and start talking to me to blow the whole act! After 4 days I sent him a text saying hello. He called immediately to find out if I was okay and what happened. This jerk could have come to see if I was okay or not but I guess he wanted to lay low in thinking that he could have been the cause of it all. I told him that I had knicked my head because when I pulled the trigger it was so powerful that i wasn't able to hold the gun steady since I had it turned inwards towards my head. But it was a big enough wound to knock me out and send me to the hospital. He kept apologizing over and over and still does to this day though I have managed to keep him at bay. I don't ever want to see him because he'll probably be expecting to see a scar where there is none! LOL!!! If I could show him how scarred by heart is I would but he wouldn't care. I loved him and think I always will because he and I are total opposites. His on the go personality drew my homebody self right on in and I loved that about him but I knew something wasn't right after the first month.
I thought he was bi-polar for a long time and I kept reading all sorts of things on personality disorders because though I wasn't sure which one he fit...it was actually a little bit of everything!I did know that a personality disorder was there and I think it comes from his dealings with his mother who is very detached; almost cold. For a long time I was willing to be the mother he never had though he is older than me. I think most of us Pisces women are like that anyway; self sacraficing. I wanted to be that loving figure but at this stage in the game it's taken him 40+ years to get like this it would probably take another 40 to undue and I don't have that kind of time anymore. I know there are some sane men out there but after years of dealing with a N, I've become slightly paranoid and mistrustful of men; always wondering if their kindness is just an act until the craziness comes out.
My N and I forward each other emails from time to time but that's about it for contact. I know that I scared the crap out of him with my act and I'm not sure if it did anything to change his ways...probably not but it sure felt good hearing him scream my name over and over as if he really cared...even if it was for only one moment in 5 years...he cared.

Mar 23 - 10AM
neptune1
neptune1's picture

Also

Mar 23 - 10AM
neptune1
neptune1's picture

Didn't mean to offend

Mar 23 - 9AM
Stillstanding
Stillstanding's picture

I agree with everyone else

Mar 23 - 8AM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Please seek therapy as soon

Mar 23 - 7AM
Hunter
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Welocme to the forum.. as for

Mar 23 - 4AM
florence (not verified)
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Phew!