I feel sick this morning. Not because of illness, but because I talked to my ex-n this weekend. What is wrong with me??? I've been doing so well. Over the past 9 months I've started to re-build my life... learning to be "me" again. I've been just fine on my own, taking life one day at a time.
He'll let a few months go by and then he'll text or call. For some reason, I feel like I'm obligated to respond. He texted me on Valentine's Day. He texted me on Leap Day. So far, I've been able to keep him at arm's length. But after this weekend, I'm feeling the beginnings of being sucked back in again. We talked on 4 separate occasions yesterday.
He's my drug habit, and I can't seem to say "no" to getting my fix when he wants to communicate.
He treated me so terribly... back then I wrote a lot on this forum. Yeah, there were good times... but there were also a lot of bad. When he contacts me, he doesn't want to get back together... he wants to be friends with benefits. When I tell him I can't do that, he accuses me of being with other guys. He wants to go to dinner next weekend to "catch-up" and supposedly he has a "business proposition" for me (i.e. he wants my help with marketing his business).
He turns my world upside down. I'm feeling so much anxiety this morning I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm at work, and all I can think about is him... worrying about when he's going to contact me next. I don't want to help him with his business, but I feel like I must. After all, in between treating me like shit, he did some really nice things for me that helped me out tremendously. He was always doing that... hurting me, then helping me. He acted like, "See? I'm a NICE guy because I did that for you," and then go back to being a complete asshole.
Why can't I let go of this man? Why won't he just leave me alone like my past ex-boyfriends? If I block him, I'm afraid he'll show up at my apt. I've also never discussed any of this with him... he is unaware that he is a narc... so I feel like that would be rude of me to disappear with no explanation. He's always telling me now how wonderful I am, and that he has my back... always. I feel like I owe it to him to be there when he needs me. I know, it all sounds pathetic.
Please, someone help me get my head back in the right place. I absolutely cannot go through this again.