Why Won't He Leave Me Alone?

Why Won't He Leave Me Alone?
0

I feel sick this morning. Not because of illness, but because I talked to my ex-n this weekend. What is wrong with me??? I've been doing so well. Over the past 9 months I've started to re-build my life... learning to be "me" again. I've been just fine on my own, taking life one day at a time.

He'll let a few months go by and then he'll text or call. For some reason, I feel like I'm obligated to respond. He texted me on Valentine's Day. He texted me on Leap Day. So far, I've been able to keep him at arm's length. But after this weekend, I'm feeling the beginnings of being sucked back in again. We talked on 4 separate occasions yesterday.

He's my drug habit, and I can't seem to say "no" to getting my fix when he wants to communicate.

He treated me so terribly... back then I wrote a lot on this forum. Yeah, there were good times... but there were also a lot of bad. When he contacts me, he doesn't want to get back together... he wants to be friends with benefits. When I tell him I can't do that, he accuses me of being with other guys. He wants to go to dinner next weekend to "catch-up" and supposedly he has a "business proposition" for me (i.e. he wants my help with marketing his business).

He turns my world upside down. I'm feeling so much anxiety this morning I don't even know what to do with myself. I'm at work, and all I can think about is him... worrying about when he's going to contact me next. I don't want to help him with his business, but I feel like I must. After all, in between treating me like shit, he did some really nice things for me that helped me out tremendously. He was always doing that... hurting me, then helping me. He acted like, "See? I'm a NICE guy because I did that for you," and then go back to being a complete asshole.

Why can't I let go of this man? Why won't he just leave me alone like my past ex-boyfriends? If I block him, I'm afraid he'll show up at my apt. I've also never discussed any of this with him... he is unaware that he is a narc... so I feel like that would be rude of me to disappear with no explanation. He's always telling me now how wonderful I am, and that he has my back... always. I feel like I owe it to him to be there when he needs me. I know, it all sounds pathetic.

Please, someone help me get my head back in the right place. I absolutely cannot go through this again.

fearlessfemale's picture

NC

Contact = Pain
NC = path to recovery

it's just that simple.
if you want pain...continue contacting
him or allowing him to contact you.
if you don't...then don't.

it's up to YOU.
When you've had enough...you'll stop :)

stay fearless

-fefe

TheBird's picture

What do you owe him??!!

You don't owe him shit! He has taken enough from you. What you do owe is something to YOURSELF!!! Take back the power and start looking at why you keep going back. He is a man and was a companion. He should have been there for you. Part of the responsibilities of a relationship is to support each other and do nice things. Some of these guys are not so outright blunt with their ways.

What he doesn't see or acknowledge is his damn problem. You think you can rescue him? You can't. You have EVERY right to just disappear and walk away. It's what you need to do to take care of YOU!!

If he is so much of a man that you say he is, he will find his own outlet of how to market his business. Why do you have to carry that responsibility? Seriously!!! Do not give him another once of you. You say his is a drug you can't say no to. Do you know what happens to drug addicts when they don't stop? Their lives disintegrate and then they become nothing. The pushers continue their control and their life of luxury. Is that where you want to be?

Regain your self-confidence and your self-control. It's that only way you will come out ahead.

distraught721's picture

He wants to be friends with benefits???q

Is that how LOW he thinks of you?????

distraught721's picture

Remember....

Remember how it feels when he devalues and discards you again...that is what keeps me from dealing with him.

I broke NC after 6 months, expressed my feelings of how he hurt me and he said I was "victimizing" myself and in the end he said he had no need to deny, admit, share, rejuvenate his soul, cleanse his soul etc by talking about what happened....

It was a wake up call for me...it did not even hurt...it was confirmation that I have wasted enough time on this...

As Dr.Phil says, its better to get out now then to continue for another Xamount of years AND ONE DAY ....get it?

You owe him NOTHING, NADA, ZIP , ZILCH...you owe YOURSELF sanity, no more anxiety, no more pain...

Sweety, this business proposition is just an excuse to see you again, he is a coward. When a man is NOT a coward, and has realized what he has done and the pain he has caused you, he would be MAN ENOUGH to say he wants to see you because he wants to talk things over and make things up to you etc etc etc...NOT TO SEE YOU FOR A BUSINESS PROPOSITION!!! He will want to see if you are WEAK ENOUGH AGAIN to sleep with him , be with him etc....

My ex-N did the same thing last March...said he cared, wanted to see me to bring me a check he owed me, I told him to throw it in the mail, kept insisting he wasnt out to hurt me, let it flow , lets see how things work out....FAST FORWARD....HE WAS WITH ANOTHER WOMAN WHILE TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT WITH ME...he saw how happy I was, how active I was, going to the gym, taking salsa classes etc....and he couldnt have that could he?? I mean really?? How could I possibly move on without him????

So please, heed my warning...I almost lost my mind this last time around and I would hate for you to have to go through all the pain again....please NO CONTACT!!!

And when you dismiss him like he dismissed you...you will feel much better...

P.S I came across another assclown...after my ex-N...he pulled the whole lets be friends bullshit...only to try to sleep with me again...their word means NOTHING!!!

Please forget about him....his behavior is no validation of your worth...its THEIR REALITY...its NOT WHAT YOU WANT FOR YOUR LIFE...so why even bother?????

spinning's picture

Rhi...you do have a choice here...

...as long as you interact with this freak you are still in the game and he knows it. Ask yourself what is the payoff for you? Be honest...Is it fear? You say you're afraid that if you change your number and go NC he'll show up at your door...So? Don't answer. Call the cops...Call a friend...You do not have to live in fear...it is no way to live!

You are giving your power to someone who treats you like an object and who does not respect any boundaries. How and why would you ever even engage in a conversation with him and feel you have to defend yourself for not wanting to be a friend with benefits (a f*ck buddy is the correct word)? Why does it matter if he accuses you of being with other men? How is that any of his business? Why, dear Rhi, do you believe HIS MANIPULATIVE SO-CALLED 'FEELINGS' AND DESIRES are more important than your own? You say you feel like you "must" help him with his business...Why "must" you? There is no rule that says you must. Your life will not crumble if you DO WHAT YOU KNOW YOU MUST DO, WHICH IS DETACH COMPLETELY FROM THIS FREAK!

The more you speak with this creep the worse his treatment becomes...don't you see that? The more you speak with this freak the worse you feel...it's obvious. The longer you engage in the game, the more confused you will get. Again, I ask you to be honest with yourself and ask yourself what is the payoff for you and if it is worth it. Try writing it down--the "good" and the "bad." Look at it in black and white and use those FACTS to help you gain strength and clarity.

YOU CAN STOP ENGAGING! YOU CAN, TRULY! YOU OWE HIM NOTHING...HE GIVES YOU NOTHING BUT CONFUSING, DEMEANING, ACCUSING, OBJECTIFYING WORDS AND HEARTACHE. You have the power to help yourself and free yourself. Turn off your phone or block his number or change your number...shore up your support for any fallout (which will be brief--they are so lazy) and you will be on the road to freedom from fear and anxiety.

You can let go if you commit to doing so no matter how painful and frightening it is. Those feelings don't last forever, but regaining your life, your self-esteem, your joy and control of your own destiny is permanent!

I hope this helps some, Rhi. You are valuable and you are worth so much more than this kind of torture.

Most sincerely,
(not) spinning. BUT WISHING I COULD SEND THESE MANIPULATIVE FREAKS SPINNING OFF THE PLANET

Hunter's picture

You have every excuse in the

You have every excuse in the book for reasons to stay in contact ...

Is English your first language?? If yes.. What part of No Contact, Block & Delete are you misunderstanding?

He returns for supply.. Why.. because you give it!!

It's really not that complicated..At this point you should understand that Contact = Pain

It's all about choices..

Hunter

Sparrow's picture

You are acknowledging

You are acknowledging everything correctly, your just not able to say no to him, for a reason only you would know.

Have you worked the 6 steps completely? Do you feel that after reviewing the steps, you may have missed a very important part of your recovery? You have, and only you will be able to determine that.

It may be best to start over from scratch. Theres nothing wrong with doing that. If it takes a hundred times of starting over from the beginning until you get it right, you must and should. And there is no shame in that at all.

He has a hold on you and will continue to until you get your recovery completely under wraps.

Of course he contacts you. Because he can. Mine just contacted me last week to inform me that I was "wierd" after several months of no communication. (trying to get a rise out of me I am certain) It is what it is, and they will do what ever they need to in order to satisify what ever their appetite is at the moment.

Stay strong, start over and stay committed to YOU and YOUR recovery. Let him find someone else to pretend he cares about. Like that old country song goes "Here's a quarter, call someone who cares"

Good luck! You can do it!

Deidre40's picture

when you have had enough,

when you have had enough, you'll stop.
you haven't had enough.
hunter told me that last year, when i kept breaking NC.
she was right...and when I completely went NC FOR GOOD?
life's been brighter, sweeter. better without all that mayhem, drama, and narc nonsense.

so, when you have had enough pain, anxiety, and abuse...you will stop contacting him.

be strong. only you can change this. he will continue to antagonize you forever, if you LET him. NC if you stick to it...he will not longer have that power over you.

Used's picture

AFTER THE WAY HE TREATED YOU,

AFTER THE WAY HE TREATED YOU, YOU FEEL IT WOULD BE RUDE TO DISAPPEAR?...
WHY NOT CHANGE YOUR NUMBER. AND IF HE TURNS UP AT YOUR HOME, DONT ANSWER OR CALL THE POLICE...
WE ALL REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES, THEY ARE CALLED THE HONEYMOON PERIOD, ANYTHING HE DONE FOR YOU HAD AN AGENDA ALWAYS!!!!!!!!