Bona Fide's Story

Shattered dreams

I wish I had discovered this forum before I married my NH. I left him 3 weeks before our 1st wedding anniversary. By then I was no longer the happy, effervescent and lively woman.

I left everything for him: my home, my country, my family and friends, a well paid job. At the time I didn't see it as a sacrifice I saw it as a small price to pay to be with the one I thought to be the love of my life.

During those 3 years (19 months were spent on a LDR he lived in UK and I lived in Australia) I met him here in Oz (we spent about 10 days going out and getting to know one another) and during that time I experienced a few amber flags and red flags.

On our first date he shared he was divorced and that his marriage had only lasted 4 months! Red Flag #1...He described his ex-wife as a psycho, yet he still corresponded with her even though he said she'd been unfaithful to him (This made no sense to me after such a betrayal). Red flag #2.

During our time together in Melbourne, my only concern was that he seemed to be always needing to please others. I thought to myself that wasn't such a bad thing, in hindsight I see that the one paying the price would always be me as he would please others over me.

The first 4 months into the LDR we spoke via Skype or FB at least once a day. We spoke about where we saw each other, our life experiences, our goals, our relationship, etc. (He faked a future with me.) He was charming, attentive and romantic. I felt I had met THE ONE.

I had planned a round the world trip before meeting him. However I soon changed my plans so that I could get to know him better and ended up spending 5 weeks with him.

Ten days after my arrival he said that he loved me and I said I did too. However, on my last night in Glasgow whilst laying in bed after making love he said he was looking forward to coming to visit me in Australia that we could take our time to get to know each other and fall in love!! I never confronted him about this as it was pretty confusing. How could he say this after he had said he loved me? Red flag #3

During our courtship and engagement I experienced insensitive comments, being ignored and excluded from conversations, eye contact avoidance and always being made felt to be 2nd to last of his priorities all of which I excused, overlooked or forgave in the name of love. I thought to myself: "I am not perfect", "He makes me want to be a better person", "Relationships teach us things about ourselves". Unfortunately I was taking the wrong lessons and listening to the wrong teacher...him!

I thought I was accepting him for what he was, a damaged soul who had never been with a good loving woman. I self appointed myself to be the one to show him what a loving and supporting woman was like. I felt from the beginning he was keeping himself from truly loving me. I took that as fear from his past relationships. I didn't see that as emotional unavailability. He had also shared that his last relationship break-up had not hurt him as his divorce as he had not given all of him to it...big red flag #4!

I have come to understand that accepting someone means to live with what is in front of me. Rather than seeing their potential or excusing or forgiving their behaviours.

I also learned that a person who loves me doesn't need to be told more than twice to modify their behaviour if it is affecting the relationship or hurting my feelings.

The afternoon I sat to tell him why I was leaving him he sat coldly on the sofa without an ounce of emotion. I told him our marriage was a farce. He was not following the vows of love, honour and respect; that we had no communication, no emotional connection and no intimacy (every painful thing I shared with him was used as ammunition whenever we had a fight). His answer was that he agreed with 5 points but that there was love! To which I said without those 5 there is no love! I was pleading with him and crying that I loved him...he never once said that he loved me too.

Once in Australia I started to look for answers on the internet. Searching for "stonewalling" lead me to "passive aggressive" and that lead me to NPD. Having that knowledge allowed me to see things in perspective. During the first 3 months of separation, I hoped I was wrong in my diagnosis. But time and time again he would prove me right and it would break my heart. At the beginning I felt like a victim. Why did he do this to me? Why did he choose me?

The last straw was the day I returned to the UK to get my things. During my time away he'd send me emails saying he was changing and willing to do anything for the marriage.

However, when I turned up at the house with my brother in law (for emotional support and protection...just in case...he had never been physically violent just emotionally abusive). My mother in law had left boxes, packing tape and bubble wrap for me to use! Yes, she was glad I was leaving her little boy. When I confronted my NH about this he said I was I was taking it in the wrong spirit that she was being helpful!?!? Anyways, I expected that and less from my MIL (who is also NPD). What hurt most and proved to me he was disordered was the fact that he saw nothing wrong with the boxes and left them there for me to see. I guess he thought he was D&Ding me.

By then I learned that I should seek validation from myself. And I got it when I went there to pick up my stuff and left him. I know in my heart of hearts he is a disordered individual who never loved me. But the love and respect that he showed me I have for myself is priceless. He made sure to kill all the love I had for him...he made sure he did it in less than a year.

My dreams of having a family, being a mother, being a wife...were shattered. I am beginning to forgive myself. At the beginning I turned all the anger at him but then turned on me which was destroying me. I am now understanding that it was a mistake but I shouldn't make myself pay for it by kicking myself or torturing myself rather I should be proud of myself for rectifying my ways. I deserve a second chance. I have learned to value myself and to trust myself.

This forum has helped me hugely in my recovery. No one can understand what we all have gone through. I am beginning to like myself again.

From the ashes we shall rise again...stronger and victorious!

But I have come to understand