months in the making, and still not finished...

It's all about about you, always has been, always will be. You keep telling me how you can't do this. You cant stand walking away from the kids, the house. You say you keep doing all the things I am asking you to do. Again I have asked you for things and i still have not gotten them. A budget and an answer on whether I can talk to your therapist. And some time to think if I want to work on our marriage. You came to get the dogs and told me how you had to defend me to your family. Don't. They won't understand either and I don't expect them to. I told you for years what I needed and wanted but never put my foot down because I wanted you to want it too. Now you do, but now it is too late. And that is not my fault. You have not given me any reason to trust you. You continue to try and make me act out guilt. You created this...the debt, the dogs, the house...but yet you still try and put the blame on me. Are we broke because we are separated or are we broke because we have too many bills and too many dogs?!? I think it is both. Can we not sell the house the way it is because of the market or because the dogs have made a mess of it?!? Both. Every year you have had plans on how to spend our tax refund...how about a lawyer? Or a deposit on an apartment? You will never agree to anything about a divorce because that is not what you want. It is not what I wanted either, but it is where we are at. You blame the kids acting out on us being separated. I say it has more to do with the fact that they spend more time with you now then they ever have. You say the Lord has shown himself to you but you will not allow Him to do things on His terms. I prayed for years and years about our marriage. I prayed every single time we argued that He would guide my response that I would not anger you or disappoint you. You never realized how you tore me down little by little over the years to where I cannot look at you the same. I lost myself...my wants, needs, desire, confidence. It was an awful and lonely place. And only now I am starting to realize just what it is that I want. And all I want is to be happy. I don't see that between us, you have shown me just the opposite for too many years. You had years to prove that you love me! I stayed as long as I did for the kids sake and lost myself in the process. I cannot be the mother I need to be with you as my husband. And it is not my fault. We are both to blame and you have to accept that.
You brag about the fact that you are so proud of yourself for not buying a golf club, we don't have the money or the credit for ANYTHING right now.
You chose porn over intimacy. You chose golf over bike rides. You chose Xbox over family dinner. You chose material things over affection. You chose arguments over discussions. You chose work over quality time.

Do I think you have changed? Yes I do. But does that mean I have to chose to give you the opportunity to show me? I don't believe so. If you want to be angry, I understand. At this point I chose me. I chose to live the life I intended to live.

I wish you could feel just how heavy my heart is. I wish you know how badly I wish I could go back to a few years ago and still have the ability to work on our marriage, but I can't.

"Grow old along with me, the best is yet to be"

I think the reason I have hung on to this quote is because I always hung onto the idea that things would get BETTER. And now you are trying, I know this! But I am no longer in love with you. I do not see a future together. I have been going to counseling for months trying to get past this, but I can't. She admits that she has yet to see a patient be able to turn it back on once the switch has been flipped. I cannot get over the past. I can forgive you but I cannot put my trust back in you after all that has gone on. I cannot see a reason why you would deserve my heart again. You took it out and pulverized it
Every interaction with you takes so much effort. I have to think about how to respond to make sure I don't get an unreasonable response from you in return. I am not ready to open up to you. I am in constant fear of your reactions and judgement. Always knowing that it will somehow turn out to be something I DID to cause this. Like you saying how miserable you are, how you eat peanut butter and bread all week, but I come home to a bakery while you are here with the kids. You say we are broke and you aren't spending anything. No it is all spent already. All the debt we have and the payments made towards them.
I did not create this. I tried to stop it, but obviously not hard enough! But it is like you were just testing me, to see how far I'd go and just how much I could take. I don't understand it. I don't understand why you would do that to the person you love. It just doesn't make any sense to me. I don't trust myself anymore. You took that away from me.

My biggest fear is someone being with me out of guilt, fear or obligation. I want someone who WANTS to be with me...I do not want someone who feels like that is what the "should" do nor do I want someone to regret me for choosing to be with me. I want to be the number one priority in someones life other than the children. I want unconditional love, respect, appreciation and admiration. I believe all that is possible. Just not in my marriage. I want to be heard, loved and respected for all that I value and love. I want affection! Kisses, hugs, closeness. That is my main desire and affirmation that I am loved. I want to feel wanted...feel sexy. Feel like I am the only woman in the room that he wants to look at and that I can turn him on just by being me. I am way past broken to hold back anymore. Whomever it is is getting me full throttle...either you can handle it and want to or walk away. I am so exhausted from being lonely! I truly like who I am and have proved myself to be a damn good wife and companion. I just want I feel loved...is that too much to ask?!?
I question God and his motives. Am I that horrible of a person or does He truly have something better in store for me? I am not asking a whole lot and I have tried my hardest for years. Put all my faith in Him! I hate questioning it but I am at a breaking point. I am begging for something...some sort of sign I am in the right direction or am I really just that messed up that I do believe there is a reason for all of this.