LND's Story

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#1 Mar 17 - 12AM
LND
LND's picture

LND's Story

Don't know how to get unstuck

I read a couple of other intro posts and realize that I need this release for catharsis and help to move on. I am two weeks out of a "relationship" with an alleged N, and today I had what I hope to be and believe will be my last contact with him.

Like others it's been day in and day out drama on his part, blamed completely on me. Calls me psycho, crazy, stupid, dumb, c*&t, and all the other names he could make up. He made clear that no woman would tell him who he could sleep with, so he was free to engage sexually at will if he so desired. The lioness does not tell the lion who he can sleep with he said.

I was there for all the depressive mornings when he had no energy, no personality. Beaming with all my goodness and positivity. Yes, the helper and fixer run deep in me. Built up that self esteem like a good PSNS should. All to be told I did nothing but bring him down, and mess up his life. Mind you he is a lazy, misanthropic, misogynistic, racist attorney, who shows up to his office for about 2 hours a day and wonders why he isn't successful. Every day was about how sore he was, how he hates the president, how much he hates the world. Just draining negativity. Yet I always had a good word and smile thinking I could make everything all right for us both. The rest of the time he spent in the gym trying to build up his short Napoleonic stature so he could ask how much bigger he looked the next time I saw him.

But I am bonded to this fool. Stockholm syndrome at it's finest. Great sex, lots of gifts, a good word every now and then if he was on a high. I relished those moments as we do, knowing that in a few hours it would be back to dark clouds and hours of building up his esteem again. But he says I gave him nothing. I remember one night I complimented him, and he kept saying "more! more! tell me more!". But yep, just one more weird instance of many after which I stuck around.

What ended it was I contacted his ex to find out if they were still involved, and she promptly informed him, in spite of the fact that she was treated worse than I was. And I thought my trauma bond was deep. Secretly I did it knowing that she would tell him so he would discard me once and for all. He did. Said I was dead to him.

In a moment of weakness, I wrote him on FB yesterday, discussing how I hated how it all ended. How it should end positively. Malignant hopefulness, Vanknin calls it. He responded telling me what a liar I am, horrible worthless woman who ruined his trust in all liars with tw$ts. Says I'm conniving. Not him, who was on the site we met on minutes after he said I was dead to him. Not his own behavior, but me, in contacting his ex and invading his privacy. I was called everything in the book. I am now feeling empty inside, I cried once, but I feel like it's the fuel I needed to remind me why I need to move on with my life. Only I still don't know how. I am back to going out to do things on my own, I'm only going through the motions though. I don't want to be the devalued and discarded supply.

I have read almost every article on this here Interwebs that one can read. I have read comment sections, watched videos, talked to myself, I still don't understand why I simply can't walk away like the strong woman I thought I was. I am a doggone social psychology senior undergrad for goodness sake. I want to be free.I don't know how. I have made peace with my childhood issues, studied on being codependent, I honestly can say I have built back good esteem. I know I don't deserve this and did nothing wrong, but why am I attached like a crack addict to something that could absolutely suck the life out of me?

Mar 17 - 4AM
Brit
Brit's picture

Painful

Mar 17 - 1PM (Reply to #5)
LND
LND's picture

Thank you

Mar 17 - 2AM
WhiteRoses
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Wow,If it wasn't for the

Mar 17 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
LND
LND's picture

Absolutely insane....

Mar 22 - 1AM (Reply to #3)
Khryalasi
Khryalasi's picture

"Same instance, as long as I