Natashroom's Story

Irresistible B.

Up till about three weeks ago, when we still were "together" (although we never actually were really together) I have found out that he was a narcissist. I was talking to my friend about my relationship with him and my realization that I need to learn now to protect my boundaries, when she casually said something about "the way to deal with narcissists". It stroke me, because neither I have ever been in a long (it has been almost 5 months, considerably long) relationship with a narcissist, nor I actually knew much about the phenomenon.

My idea about setting up and maintaining my boundaries with him led me to realization that I will probably have to split up with him, cause I got tired of his lack of integrity, empty promises, almost never kept words, lying, and other things that I didn't seem acceptable in a close relationship…

But to tell the whole story I will need to look back 5 months, when we have met. Right from the beginning he was irresistible and swept me off my feet. Interesting, burning with wonderful ideas and desires, extremely sexual – to the point of perversion, but harmless, - drop dead gorgeous. Even before me met in person, we spoke on the phone for a few hours till 3AM, and then next morning, didn't stop texting each other, agreed to get together that day in the evening, and I stopped by his office at 6, where he met me with a wide smile on his face and immediately hugged me, pressed me to his chest and kissed me on the lips – an affection I didn't expect. Then he took me to a nice restaurant (with a $100 bill in the end) in the Marina where we talked for almost 2 hours, sharing information about our lives.

If I only knew what narcissism was and had some experience dealing with narcissists, I would have noticed immediately, that by the second half of the conversation he got really bored and tired and had hard times to hide it even though he tried. Now I understand that there was probably too much talk that was not about Him. He did tell me different stories including one about him once rescuing a cat and how the cat changed around him into a trusting and loving creature. Now I am having really hard times believing he is actually capable of having any pets including fish. He would actually need to care about them.

There are very intimate details involved in this story, which I cannot disclose even keeping his name unrevealed. So, make the long story short, he didn't call me or text me for the next few days. But soon he appeared again – and it wasn't long till we started seeing each other very often. Every time at his place. Every time I drove. We never went out because he was "very busy with work" (taking care of few businesses). In the evening I was treated nicely, in the morning he was all ice telling me I had to go. Almost immediately I started feeling that what I give vanishes as if I was throwing it into a black hole. He also never gave me anything that wasn't convenient for him. Whatever I received – was the way he wanted to give me, never asked me how I wanted it. Kept me "on call" all the time we have been together. If we decided to meet, he never made plans for more than a day, keeping me waiting to find out if we meet tonight till 6-7 PM. When I was displeases with something and tried to verbalize it, he would say I was a drama queen and that I wasn't making the rules letting me know that everything will be the way he says.

Man, I wanted to get out of that roller coaster (treating nicely – dumping in the dirt) almost since the first time we became intimate. This was a nightmare! One minute he's all sweetness and loveliness, next minute he acts as if you are non-existent. Easy to say "no", making me co-exist, align myself with his schedule, his moods, his plans, as if I didn't have my own life. And, soon enough, my life became the one to please Him, even though before we met, I had live full of events, ideas, and plans. But now I had no time for them. I was either with him or enticing him via text (we rarely spoke on the phone), or waiting on call till he appears and tell me that we meet in 2 hours or we won't meet at all, crushing all my plans, which I ended up not making eventually.

I have been keeping asking myself this question Why?! Why am I still with him?! And always had the answer – well, his life is very important, he's running four businesses, he has very little time and spends most of it with me, when it's good – it's awesome, yes, sometimes he's disregarding, but may be he's just tired and I am really being too demanding and over expecting of him. He's with me, what else do I need? He's all mine.

And, yes, when it wasn't bad, it was amazing. He's so cool, our sexual preferences match so well, he's very erotic, and he's very this, and very that… And he does paint interesting pictures of what we could do together. He is just too busy to plan something right now. End of the year, tough time in business, he has to work.

But then one after another interesting pictures he painted crushed because he would never follow any of the plans that were drawn in those pictures. He never took me anywhere he said he would, we have never done things I was so excited about, instead, when I brought up that he once suggested to use some of his business assets for our entertainment, he replied coldly: You can't afford me! As if it was my request to use his time as a professional to my benefit…

It has been about two months into our relationship when I realized he is not what he was saying he was. I didn't even know he was a narcissist, I just saw that my life and myself are becoming his utilities, that he never gives back no matter how much he gets, that he has no regards for me, all he talks is about himself and when I start talking about me, he changes the subject immediately, doesn't keep his word… I was feeling that my life was crushing, and I was losing myself in this web. I decided to leave.

But he wouldn't let me leave. He had to set it up as if he left me. I let him. I was ready to move on. One day I left his place, looked at him as if this was the last time I was seeing him, and said: By, babe, it was fun. Few hours back I received a text message from him saying that we should remain friends and not see each other anymore. I was fine with that. And was ready to move on. But it wasn't enough for him. Two days haven't passed when he started provoking me and eventually had me responding to his accusations of how bad and wrong I was treating him… He mixed up those accusations, insults, and words of pity leaving me confused about everything. What do you want – I was thinking? Do you want to hurt me, validate yourself? Or are you sorry we have split up? What the hell?

I sincerely thought he missed me, realized it was a mistake to split up and wanted me back.

But he didn't expect me to defend myself and explain to him what my reasons to leave were. I didn't try to accuse him, instead, I tried to show him why I wanted to move on. I thought he had enough maturity and awareness to hear me and understand what I was trying to say. Poor baby, he didn't expect me to invoke his shame. He thought I would crumble and crawl back so he could utilize me again. Didn't happen. It enraged him, of course. And next few days we were the worst enemies.

Then I had attained a self-development training where I thought for some reason, that I did have unrealistic expectations from him, and it was the reason for our relationship not to work. I just forgot everything he did, and took full responsibility for everything. One of the assignments of the training was to call people and restore the integrity. So I called him. And with no means to get back together just apologized for having expectations from him and for blaming him. Big mistake. Along with me starting really to miss him, I created a wide open gate for him to bring me back. And surely he walked into the gate like a King.

In a few days we were sitting on hid bed again, kissing, and he was talking about how he wants to make things better – take me to getaways, go out, do things, explore our sexualities, do fun things, go shopping, etc., etc., etc… He promised to quit smoking or at least switch to pipe from cigarettes (his smoking really was killing me), execute the plans we had before.

He was very tender, sweet, apologizing, and, I have to say, looked vulnerable and even a bit helpless. Looked like he really missed me.

So I said to myself – OK. Let me trust you this time. This one time. I will give you a month to show me if you really mean what you are saying.

And things started looking really good, at least at first. He did get a pipe and a hookah, and we started having nice fruity hookah smokes together, he started smoking pipe once in a while and cut cigarettes. He even said once, that he's done with cigarettes and that he bought the last block. But soon he forgot about the pipe and his decision to quit cigarettes.

He did get me a pair of stockings though, but then a real test appeared. My 40th birthday. I planned a trip to a nearby beach city, about 2 hour drive from where we lived, and I asked him to join me. I though, here, there is a perfect getaway – my birthday, it's close, and I even paid for everything! You just need to show up. He said he may, but it will depend on how much work he would have on weekend. He did work on weekends, but usually not on Sunday. So, I hoped that he would seal his ideas with action, and give me a real Birthday. Silly me.

Not only he never came, but he also didn't even call to say Happy Birthday. He wrote me a Facebook congrats and only when I texted him after midnight, the next day after my birthday that he could at least call me, if he decided not to come, he did call, saying that he fell asleep. As if he slept all day long… I knew he was working. Next day he didn't come either, instead he took his sister's family for a trip. In the evening he sent me a picture of a bottle of Champaign and a box of chocolate and later that night blames that I didn't come to see him after my trip. Needless to say, I cried myself to sleep on my 40th birthday – alone in that damn beach city miserable and hurt.

He failed this one royally. We did meet next day, and he presented me a bottle of Moet and nice chocolates saying that he will make it up. Do I need to say he never did? He got me another pair of stockings though and a bottle of shampoo and conditioner, cause he happened to be in the store and asked me if we need anything for the night. Those were about all gifts he got me – two pairs of stockings, shampoo, conditioner, Champagne, and candies. The guy, who spends hundreds on his own toys just for fun. I have got to say, that I spent more than $500 on the gas alone because he lived about 30 min from my place, and I was the one who did the driving. Not counting lots of gifts I gave him. I am not sorry I did, I like to give. But the difference in how he spoiled me and himself was so dramatic, it wasn't even funny.

This story can go on and on, now I am even worried about few things that he said and I have believed that could actually be life threatening for me, considering, he could lie. But it's all in the past now.

It ended when I was lying very sick at home alone and texted him that I felt very bad and had a bad fever, and he didn't even offer any comfort, needless to say help. I woke up next day happy to be alive and decided once and for all, I am over him. I cut communication, didn't' call or text, or email. Three days passed, and I started worrying, what if something happened to him and that was the reason he – himself – didn't contact me anymore since I was sick? I texted him asking if je was OK, and he replied that he was wonderful and that I shouldn't text him anymore.

We did exchange few more texts where once again I tried to reason him and explain why I am splitting up with him, instead he replied that it is him who is splitting up with me (of course!) and that all I do is trying to find flaws in people, and that he's a great guy, and has been nothing but a friend to me, and I am all drama, and that he's done with me.

Since then I have spoken to my psychoanalyst, with whom I set up an appointment to talk when we were still together with him, and when I wanted to talk about setting and maintaining my boundaries. And my psychoanalyst, too immediately said that he's a narcissist and the best way is to move on and forget, and never think that it's all completely my fault (which I, of course, started to think – again).

It has been 10 days since I last texted with him. First week was wonderful – I am feeling like my broken into pieces Self is building up together again, I am restoring my integrity as wholeness, I got my ideas, desires, and strengths back, my balance, my peace… I feel happy again. I have finished a book my doctor recommended – 7 Deadly Sins of Narcissism, and now know a lot about narcissists. That book is like a textbook to him! I was truly amazed. I have also read tons about narcissism online.

But few days ago I started feeling that I really miss him. Truly, he's not really a bad person. Yes, he has a personality disorder, but he IS creative, funny, extremely sexy, very determined… There are things about him I truly admire, including the way he is pushing for success and achievement. And even though I realize that with him I am falling apart and none of the yummy stuff about him covers the deep destruction I undergo when I am with him, I do miss him a lot. Besides, after long time of loneliness, he was the first man who gave me an opportunity to express myself sexually, including some really rare ways of expression, and now this opportunity is taken away, and I have no idea if I will be able to find a partner who will match my preferences so well and will be somebody who entices my imagination and turns me on so much…

I know these are all signs of my co-dependent addiction, and I am willing to go through all the recovery I need to feel complete again.

His NARCSPEAK:

- I have lots of friends; I am cool, fun, good-looking. You don't have any friends.

- All I was – a friend to you.

- I gave you an opportunity to work on my projects, but you blew it.

- I don't wanna talk to her, she's all drama.

- You mean a lot to me.

- Sorry, I was a bit immature.

- Sorry I said something that was diminishing.

- I want us to go to getaways, go shopping, do fun stuff.

- You bitch. Did I ever call you bitch?

- I haven't been with anybody since I have been with you. Just because I like to keep it clean.

- I am enjoying my new toy with lights on.

- We just didn't have any connection.

- No hard feelings.