Portia's Story

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#1 Mar 7 - 4PM
Portia
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Portia's Story

Pass the Ammunition

I am so glad I found this site, I have been reading posts for the past few days, and I must say you all are amazing! It is wonderful to know I am not alone, and that other survivors will reach out to help eachother. I wish there was some way to get this information out to very young people so they could protect themselves from the types of monsters we have been battling. I thought a N was a character in a myth, I really was totally unprepared to meet a real live one. It took me years of sifting through symptoms and evaluating behavior to finally figure it out, and even then I gave him the benefit of the doubt and I have allowed myself to be hurt instead of defending myself, rather than hurt him unfairly. I've allowed myself to hope for a cure, while I have been the one swallowing the bitter medicine. I have swallowed enough, and I am going to battle to save myself.

I just read the post about "Why" I was attracted,and "Why" I stayed and fought, and I wish I had read it long ago. Since I consider myself to be an intelligent, successful woman, I have long wondered why I have had such bad relationships with a former NH and my current NP. I thought they were very different men, but after all is said and done, they are both NP - liars and cheaters. The selfish behavior is almost beyond belief. The one thing I think was left out of this article was that our history also sets us up. I grew up in a dysfunctional family with a N parent, so I actually have no idea of what normal is. So I have been trying to figure it out for a long time, and wondering if I was at fault in some way that I didn't even realize. I have given other people the benefit of the doubt, I have been trusting, and I have tried to be fair. I couldn't understand why someone would behave the way N's behave. Ultimately, they pay the price for their sick behavior, because they will never, ever have what we are capable of having - a true and loving relationship. All that glitters is not gold. They will fall over like an abandoned movie set, because they are only images that appear to be real if you don't examine them closely.

One other thing I have been guilty of. I have blamed the OW for their behaviors, and wondered why in the world they would do the things he could get them to do. I could clearly see how he was manipulating their behavior. OW have not been kind to me in other areas of life, new girl in school, new woman at work, so I guess I was suspicious of them anyway -- but I think we have to stop blaming the OW. They may or may not be a nasty piece of work, but either way they will be hurting soon. And they are the one falling for all the lies now. D&D will come, sooner or later. And, as one post said so well, we are all OW, just as we are all full of N supply. The NP never loved any one of us any better than the other, the NP just used us all for what he needed.

The scariest part for me is finding out all of the lies and deceptions with regard to porn and sexual deviance. It was like Chinese water torture, each new revelatiion worse than the previous one. I was so naive, I didn't even realize most of this stuff existed, or that women would ever do it willingly! I feel like I have been water-boarded now, by all I have learned. It is amazing how similiar the deviant behaviors are with N's -- it's almost like they have been to a really sick school that teaches them how to be gross, cruel idiots, and they have graduated at the top of their sick and twisted class. It is sad that they could take something as wonderful as love, and as enjoyable as sex can be, and completely descecrate it. I am thankful that I didn't fall for his manipulations. He constantly was telling stories about his prowess, or about what OW would do for him, trying to get me to go against my beliefs, and I would always ask him if the OW was so wonderful, why wasn't he with her now? Of course you know the answer -- the reason for the breakup was NEVER his fault.

Thank you again for being here. I will continue to learn from you and I will be seeking your help to prepare me for the battle I am about to enter. Pray for me to have a brave heart and a strong soul -- I will need all the help I can get!!!

Mar 7 - 8PM
SundaySmile
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style

Mar 7 - 7PM
needing2know
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Stay strong, you are in for

Mar 8 - 7AM (Reply to #2)
Dorothy1
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Apparently we are not alone