knighty2035's story

16 YEARS OFF AND ON

16 years is a long story... so I'll try to shorten this up a bit. We have been together for 16 years with several separations in between. I've never understood how this man cheats on me, treats me with disdain, has his narcisistic mother hating me, constantly criticizes me and diminishes me in a hundred different ways can't seem to leave me alone once I leave. Now that I know about NPD and am reading up on it.... so many things are coming into place. Each time I leave... he puts the charm mask back on, promising to change, even going so far the last time as to go to marriage and separate counceling for a year before once again quitting because "the councelor is biased". (this is how my councelor is able to diagnose him as NPD) The last time I even stayed at my own house for 2 1/2 years while we did the counceling before deciding to give it another chance. Yet once again, here we are at the same place again. In October of last year I once again found evidence of cheating. And we are right back to the same bad treatment, selfishness, lies, projections, criticisms, and all the rest... so I have put a deposit down on an apartment to leave. This time however I am going to go "NO CONTACT". I didn't know so many things before and I was able to talk myself into taking much of the blame for things going wrong. Now I KNOW that I know what I know! And I also know that it will never change. When my councelor told me that he has NPD, he also shared with me that when he went through training councelors are taught the different groupings of mental illness. There is one catagory that contains two groups of illness. Personality disorders and mental retardation are part of the same catagory. When I asked my councelor why this is... he ask me, "if I had a mentally retarded person in my office, do you think counceling will make him better or smarter?". My response was "no, they are who they are and were born with a mental defect". Ding ding ding! and the bell goes off! NPD is an emotional retard much like a mental retard. They do not get better. Now that I know this, and I am learning so much about NPD, it is going to be much easier to walk away. He will never stop cheating, he will never stop lying about cheating, he will never stop diminishing me, telling his family horrible stuff about me, or criticizing me. He will never be able to feel empathy for me or anyone else (although as a feeling person this is the hardest to wrap my head around because he is so good at faking it when watching the news). He will never love me (although he does a very good job at faking it when I'm at the end of my rope), he will never act in a selfless manner (unless there is a payoff for him that I'm unaware of). I am coming to accept all of this.. and trying not to be angry since really, he can't help being an emotional retard. However, since he is not my child, and I am unable to love him without conditions that it should be reciprocated in some way shape or form.. I must leave. I am going to use this board to vent my anger, learn more, and get right with myself in my head. Thanks for listening..