NC and Setting Boundaries...That's it!!!!

NC and Setting Boundaries...That's it!!!!
5

So today is 5 months since I left him...Happy Anniversary to me!!! Can I get a whoop - whoop?!?!

Anyway, I have learned sooooo much from this site, Lisa's book and all of the resources offered to me!! I thought I would share the 2 things that have helped me thru this process the most!!!!

NC....as soon as I did this...although hard as hell..impacted me the most in a very positive manner...You basically erase them!!! Perfect!

Boundaries.....I still have to have some contact with my exhusband but I have set boundaries with him which has helped me keep a safe distance so he doesnt rope me in again (like he did on New Years...live and learn)

Boundaries help with dealing with Toxic people (Men) who you either just meet or have contact with. Boundaries have helped me weed out men who want to jump down my pants...weed out men who are manipulative...weed out friends who cause me negativity....

Boundaries have made it possible for me to take control of my life and not be influenced by others..period!!!!

It took a while for me to figure this out, so Im hoping someone can read this, take the info. and run with it!!!

Im getting it...and healing and it feels wonderful!!!
xoxo

Run4it's picture

Whoop whoop!!

You are on fire this week Janmarie! Preach it sister

TheBird's picture

AMEN!!

I love this post! You are doing so well, everyday a little stronger. There were and will be bumps along the way, but there are no longer road blocks! YAY! You are starting to truly see things for what they are and making decisions on your own.

Shit does happen to good people, but karma will guide you through the rest of your life. You are and always have been a good woman. You just ended up having some assholes that detoured your path. But you're back on track and it's full steam ahead.

I hope I am as strong as your are at 5 months!!!

XOXO!

dazed's picture

Jane and others, Can you

Jane and others, Can you give some examples of how newly set boundaries have helped you out? What things did you change to create a new boundary and have you "needed" it in any particular situation? Boundaries are a huge issue for me.

Sparrow's picture

Hi Dazed!

Hi Dazed. Boundaries are something we discover in our healing that we never developed growing up for one reason or another, and were left wide open to the toxic people as adults. We are too eager to please others and therefore, get walked all over. Creating boundaries and using them is so liberating!

Me, for example, never had boundaries with my Mother. She manipulated me and got everything she ever wanted from me because she knew she could. She had me turning myself inside out on a daily basis. I now am able to say "No" to her demands. I do what I can, when I can, but no longer will I be her puppet.

Same goes with my friends. When I say no now, they know that I am serious and they have to accept it. I of course it in a polite manner. In the past, if a friend asked me to go to a movie with her, whether I wanted to see that movie or not, I would go, because I wouldn't want to hurt her feelings. Now, if I don't want to see that particular movie, I say "No, I don't have a desire to see that movie, but how about......and give other choices so we can agree on one together. It's a mazing how that works!

The key to creating your own boundaries, is to define for yourself, what you are comfortable with and set the bar there. Do not leviate from it. Know your limits and give nothing more than that. For example: You are invited to a party on Saturday night and you really don't feel like going. If you don't want to go, don't go. Contact the host or hostess and simply thank them for the invite, that your not able to make it, but will do your best next time. If they demand an explanation or beg you to come, they are not respecting your decision, wants, or needs. Tell them nicely that you have other obligations, you don't need to go into a long drawn out story as to why you can't make it.

Same applies with family, co-workers, neighbors, etc. It is nice to be thought of, so of course we want to be nice about it as well. Boundaries, like I said, are so liberating, freeing......once you have them, you will be very happy that you do!

dazed's picture

Difficulty

I think what has been difficult for me is being firm with the boundary (which is basically not having a boundary). I remember bringing up something with the N that bothered me. And the reaction from her was anger and rage and turning it back on me. I think to maintain the boundary I should have just let her rage. Sort of say, well that's how I feel and let her have her tantrum. I think there's room to discuss but she always told me how I was wrong and I was infringing on her freedom. But I yielded on what was bothering me and spent the next several hours (actually 8 hours) apologizing because I didn't like hurting her or her being that angry with me. (Her anger was over the top screaming yelling abuse. Very hard to be the recipient of that.) She wouldn't accept the apology, blamed me for ruining the afternoon, etc. Actually feels somewhat humiliating to write this. She called me weak and I obviously still remember. It's a mixed message. Bring something up and get vilified. Apologize and see it her way and you get labelled as weak. Don't bring it up and you are not being you. I think by just giving in and trying to please and maintain the peace, it is giving yourself away. And boundaries, I assume, prevent that. What you wrote, S, is a start. Thanx for the help.

TheBird's picture

Dazed...

Are you still in contact? Are you still trying to talk things out? No one should make you feel that way or degrade you that way. Relationships are partnerships. That is what I am learning and trying to teach myself. Of course, there will issues. No relationship is perfect, but if you are walking on eggshells over and over, it's time to leave.

We are vulnerable when we get into relationships. We are vulnerable to the ones we love, but we should NEVER sacrifice our self-respect and dignity to be there.

Baby step, Dazed. Start with walking upright. Then start looking up. Soon you will know how to create and sustain boundaries.

dazed's picture

I guess I write like these

I guess I write like these events are recent. No they aren't. Most days I do not go over old conversations and I am accepting of the craziness. I think I am a bit triggered now because it has been 10 months since the D&D and the whole relationship was 10 months. So there's some sort of symmetry there. I have been out of the relationship as long as I was in it. Just crazy. I have been NC for 9 and a half months.

Not a want or desire to go back to that life but there is certainly a want to have that kind of connection with someone again. I just do not want to repeat this experience ever again and want to see how others have changed their lives. I want to learn and be happy, whether alone or with someone else.

Thank you for your kind words, bird.

TheBird's picture

Sparrow!!

You are a wise woman. I love reading your posts and soaking in your advice. I find myself just nodding and saying, "yes, yes, yes". You are honest and diplomatic and it makes it easy to swallow, regardless of what stage you are in.

I am doing the work. I am LEARNING to be CONSISTENT with my boundaries. Telling someone I don't want to go see a movie is easy for me. It's some of the other stuff that's harder. But I will do it! It does feel better when you are not coerced into doing something you really don't want to.

Thank you for this.

Sparrow's picture

You are very welcome Bird.

You are very welcome Bird. The movie, was of course, an example. Here is another example. I found myself, quite some time ago of course, starting to tell a man I did not want tosleep with him becasue my daughter would be home soon. He made a remark and my response was, "No, wait a minute, I don't have to make anything up, in an attempt to spare your feelings. The truth is, I don't want to sleep with you. Not tonight, not any night." It felt good to speak the truth instead of trying to come up with an excuse. Excuses usually turn out to be lame any way. And you never really feel good giving them.

Boundaries rock!

Goldie's picture

Great job Janemarie and I completely agree with you.

NC is the ONLY way to gain clarity of mind, body, and soul. Without that clarity, they still may own you on some level because they are still able to keep up the brainwashing process.

Boundery setting was my biggest weakness with the Narc and with others. When we learn; we do better.

Thank you so much for sharing this Jane, warms my heart to hear you talking like this.

You deserve every success life has to offer.

YOU GO GIRL!!!

God bless,
Goldie

Sparrow's picture

Congratulations! Five months

Congratulations! Five months is awesome! Your doing great! And yes, boundaries are of the utmost. Without them, we are too easily swayed by people. Especially toxic people. Keep up the good work developing your boundaries!

Tinker23's picture

I'm running with it

I'm running with it Janemarie! Although NC is so difficult it is the key to moving on.
Thanks for the awesome advice.

Maggster's picture

Congratulations to you!!!!!!

Thank you for the positive reinforcement! So much easier said than done but so great to hear stories from the other side.

janemarie's picture

You're right Maggster!!!

Easier said then done...

But like everything else in life...

You get out of it, what you put in.....

Like Hunter says, No pain no gain...

You have to committ to the work...

You can do it!!!!

xoxo