For any of you who attempted to break up

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#1 Feb 28 - 1PM
ab683096
ab683096's picture

For any of you who attempted to break up

I realize that it is the N who usually ends it, in one way or another. In my relationship with exN, hr ultimately did. But during the drawn out devaluation stage, i had angry moments where I would telk him "it's over" (guess Ii still had some fire in me). To this he always responded with "you must have never loved me at all!!" or "i shouldnt have to deal with this". One time he even said "i you say that again, i really will leave you!" . But he never once questioned what HE was doing wrong to make me do this. Sometimes i really think i attempted to end it because my subconscious was trying to save me. Did any of you experience this?

Feb 28 - 3PM
crimson96
crimson96's picture

Has anyone experienced this

I was with my N for 6 years and engaged to him. During our relationship I noticed how he would treat his daughters, ages 19 and 25, as opposed to me. For example, if they needed an oil change, he followed them to service center, dropped off car and off shopping they went. For me he would tell me to take shuttle bus to get back home. At Christmas he was always thinking of what to get them. Rolex watches, front row seats at NBA football game, jewelry and off shopping they would go. For me, he gave me cash, told me he didnt' know what to get me and for me to do it myself. If his 25 year old daughter spent the night, I was not allowed to because the two of them watched movies in his bed and thats where they would sleep so there was no room for me and his daughter would feel left out. If either kid wanted a drink he jumped to get it but would tell me to get my own as I am grown. Well I had enough and vocalized this to our friends. In order to save face, he broke up with me. Gee... if there is nothing wrong with it and its normal behavior then why did we break up over it? (I have so wanted to ask him this question). Now he has a new gf/supply. However he has contacted me over the past year asking to continue the sex. I saved his messages and offered to send him to the new gf but she chose not to believe me. Now he is lieing to me saying that he knows I followed her. He stated she had my license plate ran. Not sure how that can be as you can't just run someone's license tag, if I was following her how did she get my plate number, and I don't even know what she looks like or her last name. Just another lie from him. I have determined he does this to scare me from talking to her since I do have stuff on him that would cause problems for him and everyone would see he is a liar. Has anyone ever dealt with this crap? He is your typical N. Everything was his way. Never EVER said he was sorry for anything. I was told to just forget it or get over it. We only went to restaurants that he wanted to go to. I could only turn the TV on if he wanted it on too. Even though we were engage he only talked in the singular form as far as what he was going to do in the future. If I didn't go out to pickup food for dinner he would say that he would find something eat at the house. He NEVER would go pick up the food. HE WOULD NEVER RUN TO THE STORE FOR ME! And as always the lies, manipulation, telling me its my responsibility to remind him to get his x-wife a christmas present. Geez.... I could go on and on. I WOULD give anything to see this guy get caught in his web of deceit and WISH so bad he would get out of my head. HELP!!!!
Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #20)
wsh
wsh's picture

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!

YES!! Thank you so much for your story! I thought I was the only one that had to deal with my husband treating his DAUGHTER & SISTERS more like wives than he did ME!!! His f'd up daughter (& son to a lesser extent) TOTALLY RUINED MY WEDDING with her bullshit! All day long.....hanging on him like a bitch in heat....SCREAMING "Daaaaaa Deeeeee.....do you still love ME?" & "what about about ME, I was FIRST". Find out later that with husband's second wife this little slut would sleep STARK NAKED on the living room sofa. This nut job's OWN MOTHER CAN'T STAND HER! She turned my wedding into a Jerry Springer show & TO THIS DAY my asshole narc husband (STBX) has done NOTHING about it. I REFUSED to have her back in MY HOUSE (that I bought & paid for....& paid all bills too) until I got an APOLOGY! 3 l/2 years later it still hasn't happened. BTW, on my wedding day this "girl" was 32 years old!! & the sister? 4 months after the wedding, New Year's Eve....he is sitting on the couch cuddling, rubbing her thigh, putting his arm around her, & his new wife is on the other side of him GETTING NOTHING! And no, he did NOT behave like this with her BEFORE the wedding. Found out after the wedding that both his 1st & 2nd wives ALSO had "issues" with the sisters...DUH!! Both therapist we saw (l man, l woman) used the word "INCESTUOUS"....HELLO?????? Any moron can see this is FUCKED UP!! But no.....I am "sick", "crazy", "fucked-up", a "prude" (I just love that one!) & of course, "jealous"! A few times I told him, (when I fought back) ya know, there is SOMETHING WRONG with a man who is not at all affectionate with his WIFE but can't keep his hands OFF of his SISTER!" I got either funny cards, NO CARD, or one of those generic cards that come in the mail with solicitations for money (I'm not kidding). SISTER gets "mushy" love/love/love cards! If I object, I AM JUST A JEALOUS BITCH! Geez....I'm sorry.....I REALLY got a button pushed with this one. I SO HEAR YOU...........YOU are not the problem here.......it is NOT ok that any man treats ANY other woman BETTER THAN HE TREATS YOU! Any the never taking ANY responsibility for ANY part of the problems? TYPICAL NARCISSIST!! Please RUN & NEVER LOOK BACK!
Feb 28 - 4PM (Reply to #18)
GeorgiaGirl
GeorgiaGirl's picture

I went thru this

with my 5 stepkids...stbxN/P treated them to the earth, moon and stars. Me? I got crumbs, if I was lucky. Yet I stayed 3 1/2 years.
Feb 28 - 6PM (Reply to #19)
mystwoman
mystwoman's picture

These guys are all the same.

These guys are all the same. They could be clones. Xnh was exactly like this. I wasted 16 years on the jerk (8 years married to him). I was always at the very bottom of his priority list. His kids came before me. His mommy came before me. The man standing behind us in grocery store check out line got a higher priority from xnh than I did. Xnh would roll out the red carpet for his kids or anyone BUT me (right in front of my face, just to make sure that I KNEW I was the bottom of the barrel. It was deliberate. Like you, I was lucky if I got crumbs from xnh. Soon after he cheated and dumped me the final time, xnh showed up at my house hoovering. He actually had the unmitigated gall to try acting all caring ("acting" being the operative word here), and he made a comment about how "I KNEW I'd been his priority all of these years." Yeah right. When he said this I just looked at him at said, "Oh, so THAT must be why you were always telling me that I was 'just the wife', and that you'd take ten of your kids over one of me ANY day? You always worked SO hard to make me feel just SO special (not)." Insert my heavy sarcasm here. lol. Xnh promptly then said, "Well, you couldn't stand it that I had other priorities, and YOU are the reason we are broken up now. YOU have caused every single fight we've ever had during past 16 years!" What a typical bunch of narc bullshit! They always blame someone else, and think they're completely faultless. In reality, the truth is that I had NO priority to him. He made sure of it (and that I KNEW it as well). I was just his current supply in a LONG line of supply. Now OW will be the current low priority on his list, as I was for years. Better her than me. I'm so happy I'm NC with xnh, and that I've removed him from my life forever. I now take care of myself, and I am my own highest priority. My healing and recovery from xnh is so worth the effort. I deserve SO much better than how these narcs treat us. We ALL do. Hugs.

______________________________________________________
God sometimes removes a person from your life for your protection. Don't run after them.

Feb 28 - 2PM
nlvr7
nlvr7's picture

absolutely

i tried to break it off w the N and he explained it as "all girls go crazy at 3 months"... wow. he never owned up to the fact it was because he was incapable of any intamacy, emotional depth or expressing his feelings. he couldnt undertand how i could try to leave him yet claim to love him. he was incapble of seeing my view. no, it was all my fault and in the end he just thought "id be happier w someone else" he was right. i will be happier w someone else someday.
Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #16)
ab683096
ab683096's picture

Fully agree. I would always

Fully agree. I would always try to explain to him that he needed to be able to communicate his feelings with me, at least a little bit. This was more of a nuisance to him than anything. I was the "crazy", "unstable" one who had too many feelings. God we put up with such bullshit. and yes, you WILL be happier with someone else who treats you with respect and care :)
Feb 28 - 2PM
Tinker23
Tinker23's picture

My N would say the same

My N would say the same thing. He told me all the time how he didn't want to be in a relationship that was dramatic and all females are the same bc they like to cause drama. He told me if i wanted to cause drama then he wouldn't want anything to do with me. Too bad me questioning his horrible ways equaled drama to him and threaten to break up with me He takes the cake of being the drama queen lol I ended our engagement and he didn't like that one bit. He actually told me that he would never of expected that out of me but it was something he would do. Thank God I no longer have anything do with this absolutely crazy man!
Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #14)
ab683096
ab683096's picture

It's funny that they always

It's funny that they always accuse us of being dramatic, when we are just being HUMAN. It's crazy. And the funnier part is that they are more dramatic than anybody else.
Feb 28 - 2PM
Maya (not verified)
Anonymous's picture

I heartily agree with this

I was always the one who wanted out because I knew it was killing me and cost me friendships, my health, a job etc. During one of the last break ups I told him that I prayed he would find someone else and not draw me back in. Little did I know he had many backups waiting in the wings, he just liked me the best because I did more and bought more things for him than anyone else.
Feb 28 - 1PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Hi, ab, the short answer

to your question is YES. I told him it wasn't working several times throughout the six years of hell. I tried quite hard several times to break free, but was guilt-ridden when he'd sob and beg. Whatever. It was my GUT telling me I would be destroyed if I didn't find the strength to get out. When I found this website I couldn't believe it! I was still in the HELL and realized even further that if I didn't get out it would indeed kill me or render me completely unable to function. Of course he was the one who finally D & D'd me. Once you try to break free, they move in the for kill. It gets worse and worse...and it was horrible. The good news is I now realize the D & D was the best thing the freak ever did for me in the entire six years of hell I endured. It turns out he gave me a gift... ! Hugs to you from, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I KNOW AND ACCEPT THE TRUTH NOW

spinning

Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #11)
ab683096
ab683096's picture

Yep

Yes, once they see that we have figured them out, they decide to get the last hurrah by ultimately ending it. I said I wanted to break up during one of our fights, but then explained I wanted to work it out because at the time I felt it was worth it. In response to that, I got the silent treatment and was later told to move out. Ouch. Funnier part is, after speaking to him about a month later, he asked me why I told one of our mutual friends why HE broke up with ME. I then said "I didn't say who broke up with who. i just told them how it happened, and that's how they took it". He couldn't stand looking like the bad guy! What a jerk.
Feb 28 - 1PM
fallingfoward
fallingfoward's picture

All the time....

I tried to break up after 6 months. I told him, I think we have different views of relationships, neither right or wrong, just different. Of course, he would tell me I didn't know what a mature relationships was. He would listen sometimes to my side and promise to change. He only would for a few weeks, then we would be right back to the way it always was, his way. Then he would start future faking, pulling me back in. I kept trying, but then he faked having cancer. I would think if I found out I had cancer, I wouldn't want my boyfriend to leave me. So that looped me back in the relationship. The one thing I have learned is to trust my gut and follow through with action. Lesson learned, trust myself before trusting others. Also, that someone has to earn your trust.
Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #9)
ab683096
ab683096's picture

That's really important

It's important to remember to trust our gut. Thanks for the reminder :)
Feb 28 - 1PM
pamela1
pamela1's picture

Yes- I went through the same

Yes- I went through the same exact thing. Long drawn out D&D...He was slowly breaking up with me and I thought we were slowly working things out.... After a few weeks apart he wanted to meet for dinner so I did. I was happy to see him because once again, I thought we were patching things up. After we ordered he proceeded to tell me that he didn't want to see me every weekend and he didn't want me to come with him the weekends he had his kids. Now we lived together but I worked an hour away so I would stay with my family. What he basically said was I only want to see you when "I" want to see you. As I chocked back tears and a lump in my throat I gracefully walked out of the restaurant got in my car and drove directly to his house shaking, I loaded up my car with clothes. As he pulled up behind me I yelled at him "Im breaking up with YOU".... At this point there was too much damage done and I was already aware how crazy HE was making me. Because before him, I was not crazy...... It stinks and this weekend I have my big move of getting all of my things out of his house. I am dreading it like the plague!!!! Hang in there and keep reading. This forum helps tremendously... P.
Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #7)
ab683096
ab683096's picture

I'm thinking of you, remember

I'm thinking of you, remember to be strong when you have to get all your things. I know that it's easier said than done. Is he going to be there while you are moving your things?
Feb 28 - 1PM
Healingslowly_b...
Healingslowly_but getting there's picture

I experienced this

over and over.The narc used to say the most horrific things to me and I would just sit there crying saying that I couldn't take anymore of it and he would stand over me and say " OK then , you throw me out again - it's you that is bailing on us and giving up on us" I felt like I was going crazy. He never ever admitted to doing anything wrong and would tell me that I needed help!!! They are monsters - you will be fine now that you are away from him xxxx
Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #5)
ab683096
ab683096's picture

Yep, mine said I was "just

Yep, mine said I was "just giving up" when in reality I spent endless hours trying to piece everything back together. What a waste. And they will NEVER see the things we do for them. It's hard to accept but I'm getting there
Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #3)
Maggster
Maggster's picture

Here is a good line-

Mine would say no one else will love me or do the things he does for me, no one!
Feb 28 - 7PM (Reply to #4)
ab683096
ab683096's picture

Mine would say things like

Mine would say things like that too, and he once told me that he feels sorry for the next man whose life I ruin. Hahahaha. He also repeatedly told me that I will never be happy, and that I was always miserable. He was the king of projection!
Feb 28 - 1PM (Reply to #2)
Snowflake
Snowflake's picture

Oh yes

I think this is their favourite game x