As I continue through NC I have made several decisions. I recognize in myself that I am one who needs resolution, good or bad, and will do whatever it takes to achieve this.
I have taken many steps forward in emotionally disconnecting from my narc in a variety of different ways.
My home- I would have to sell my house and move if I had to get rid of every materialistic reminder of the mighty one. He painted my house, picked out furniture and art with me, re-designed rooms with me. He controlled the kitchen and we bought many high end appliances etc.. With my new education and ongoing understanding of NPD and psychopaths, I have come to learn that he was transforming my home into his…but with that being said, I love my house and will purge the things that I don’t like but, will accept and enjoy my house for it is MINE!
My mind -Although not easy, I am coming to terms with being alone and learning the difference between aloneness and loneliness. I am working hard in therapy and evaluating things in my life that lead me to this terribly dangerous relationship. I am trying to embrace the ill feelings of no contact that pop up as a heeding to the danger of returning to him. I am experiencing “temporary indifference” to my feelings associated with the millions of memories of us. Perhaps it is an unconscious protective defense, but it is working nonetheless.
I am starting to feel stronger and have even had a few laughs at some of this until this morning...
Last night I dreamt we were together and he made beautiful love to me as he always has. This is the one area, real or not, that he was truly loving, caring and sensitive. I loved sleeping in his arms and his kisses on my back & neck. It felt so real and I was so sad when I woke up. He is a space invader and now is taking over even when I’m asleep!
I hate this!
I feel horrible and like today is Day 1 of NC!!!