Thinking Ahead -- Meeting the New Wife of the EXNH-psychopath

Thinking Ahead -- Meeting the New Wife of the EXNH-psychopath
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Now that he has announced the engagement, and the June wedding approaches, I am thinking ahead about having to deal with this new person who is under his spell and who "works for him" so to speak.

She will be his wife (yuck) and the step-mother to my children. She is his supply and unpaid Nanny.

Please advise me how to deal with her -- and what to watch out for. I have stopped feeling sorry for her, by the way, since hearing about the engagement. I think of her as the enemy -- as an extension of the Psychopath.

I am completely up for all instruction and guidance on this matter.

I fully expect he'll want us to all participate in some disgusting b.s. family counseling session to help us all "adjust" -- and I've already decided that I won't participate in such a sham unless it is court ordered. Does the court order such non-sense?

I expect that she is already pregnant, or will be very soon. I hope and pray that she has a baby or two or three of her own asap so that she'll get her paws off my children.

I expect that as soon as the Psychopath feels that his new target is trapped, he will start being his true self, including the compulsive working and being away from the house doing Important things that Important people do. I expect that she will carry the bulk of the work of caring for my children.

She seems like a perfectly decent person, sweet and kind -- a duplicate of me in many ways. She has been pumped full, I'm sure, by everyone on his side about How Not To Be Abreva -- so she is doing her best impersonation of being AWESOME -- which is probably pretty easy at this point since he hasn't beaten her down all the way yet.

Bring on the advice, words of wisdom, etc.

Thank you all.

Amazed's picture

How to handle this

Keep in mind she is brainwashed, gaslighted, lied to, cheated on, and not loved. Keep your distance and feelings away by all means.

She is making a bad decision, and doesn't know the truth or is lying to herself about her decision to get married to a psychopath.

Be grateful it is not you making the mistake.

Step aside from them, be the good mother you are, and dont' get caught into any games that they might plot.

Remember psychopaths are adept at lying, and at splitting.

Telling lies etc about others behind their back all while putting on a happy face.

Remember also that psychopath do not love their supply.

They are supply only.

They do not care for these people, and in fact have disrespect for such "fools" that would fall for them.

He knows he is pulling one over on her, the kids, you, and they do it anyway.

They make such big life decisions with disregard, and do not care who they cause to suffer.

They giggle to themselves about all this.

Remember also that one day he will replace her.

Keep away from any of their bs antics as much as possible and get with some real people. Protect yourself.

FaintingGoat's picture

I'm not sure that I handled

I'm not sure that I handled the new stepmother situation well before, but here's what I did.

I did not ask for a specific meeting with her. I figured that I gave up control over who the kids were exposed to when I divorced exNH. I had to trust him to choose good people to be around the kids.

Our first meeting was casual when I dropped off the kids. It took quite a bit of time for us to get to know each other. My exNH chose not to parent the kids himself; he left that to their stepmom. It ended up working better because she actually cared, whereas he didn't, and she and I got along fine, but it took a good 2 years to get to the point where we felt comfortable with each other.

I supported the kids by encouraging them to give her a chance. They were so wary about getting close to her because of the parade of women exNH had before, but over time, they became close to her and she was good for the kids.

The biggest issues I had to deal with were within myself. I worried that stepmom would take over as mom, which exNH would encourage because the intact family is a better picture to present to the outside world. This didn't happen and I was able to relax about it, but again, it took time.

There were some bumps in the road because stepmom and I shared a lot of similar attitudes about parenting, but we also had some big differences. I chose which issues to deal with and which ones to let go.

I knew that exNH told stepmom all kinds of horrible things about me. He's like that and I know I can't stop it. I refused to stoop to his level and made sure I always treated stepmom respectfully. It took time, I think, for her to adjust her impression of me to match what I really am versus what exNH told her but it definitely happened.

I would prepare yourself to be there for your kids when this relationship doesn't work out. I thought maybe, just maybe stepmom had tamed exNH and they would last until the youngest was out of the house. Unfortunately, that didn't happen -- exNH had an affair, stepmom and exNH divorced and now he's married to the woman he had the affair with. The kids have had a REALLY hard time with this. Trying to keep them healthy with all of the drama at their dad's house is almost a full time job.

If you hang back on getting to know the stepmom, you'll get a clear idea of who she is. If she seems sweet now, she very well could be and over time, you might develop a good relationship with her. On the other hand, be watchful for signs that she's a boundary stomper. My exNH's new wife is definitely a boundary stomper so I am proceeding with a LOT of caution with her. So far, her behavior has not been what I'd consider in the best interest of the kids, so I don't plan to have much of a co-parenting relationship with her. I'm under no obligation to do so -- I'm only obligated to deal with exNH.

As far as I know, the courts will not order you to participate in any counseling with a new stepparent. There's really no reason to do so. This person has no legal rights or responsibilities to your child so it's your choice whether you want to have anything to do with her.