Fathers

Fathers
Posted February 22, 2012 - 7:52pm
2

As I struggle to navigate The Path Forward and learn how to adapt to the new environment I find myself in I continue to come across meaningful combinations of words.
Many of us here on the forum post about our children, also affected by the abadonment. Some of them forgotten (maybe not the worst thing considering) or treated superficially, a trip to McDonalds, a movie or gifts, the only intent to make them look good, caring, as if they are participants in their childrens lives. A investment to maintian the source.
My child, a daughter 17, is my priority. Making sure she is okay, making sure she is emotionally stable now and in the future. A daunting task since I am trying to make sure I will be okay and emotionally stable. To that end I am spreading myself pretty thin. She is on a need to know basis, with maturity will come reality. Much of it she will figure out on her own. Much of it I will educate her about so she can avoid this quagmire and never get sucked in or sucked dry.
I have been reading a book (yes, you too will be able to read for pleasure someday and not just about NPD) about a child growing up in the foster care system. His story is extreme, ugly, sad. His quest to find out about his birth parents leads him to some harsh realities.
Below find a paragraph from the book, "A chance in the World" by Steve Pemeberton.
"... (I)would conclude that a man could build whatever monuments he wanted in the worlds of polictics, sports, entertainment, and business, but if they come at the expenses of his children, then he has failed. Once the attention fades and the crowds stop cheering his name, his accomplishments are little more than fine print in a history book, the only thing that truly survives him is his child. That is what defines him. All else is but a footnote...
Regardless of his success, regardless of his profession, whether he makes a mark in life or not, he will never be a father. The children are the collateral damage and like everything else associated with our N's it is up to you to help them survive.
I thought this excerpt appropriate to share as so many of us lament the treatment of the children.
I figure when the two of us end up in a nursing home I am the one who will have a visitor.

‹ Why Are You Crying? Short video clip about words ›
Black Pearl's picture

My mum was the one who picked up the pieces

February 25, 2012 - 9:58pm — Black Pearl

Something so true,it is very important to teach your daughter all you can to prepare her, stay close to her and make sure you always have a close open relationship, yes with time comes maturity and you will choose what she needs to know and what she doesn't, as my mum did the very same to me..... growing up i was on a need to know bases as to my parents relationship and the emotional abuse she was put through,she prepared me as best as she could she never told me my dad was a Narcissist until i found myself in a relationship with those very same things my mum use to warn me about.... but she of all people was the one who helped me get out of the relationship, when he was doing his head messing, playing with my emotions and i fell blind to what was actually going on because i loved his so very much so much that he's delusions were making me loose my mind,My mum was the one there to pick up the pieces.

Because my mum prepared me growing up to be aware of the unhealthy signs, i found myself faced with something i was actually in "an emotionally abusive relationship".... this could not be denied my gut was telling me something is wrong. And its only because of my mums upbringing to give me all her knowledge and advice on these things that i was able to accept that the relationship i was in was not healthily. And because we have a close relationship i was able to share things with her about our relationship "my ex N and I" that i never wanted to tell anybody and that is something he counted on.... he never expected me to tell anyone what he had done to me.... but he really didn't know just how close my mum and i are and that is something that can never be broken.

So if i could offer any advice it would be to share all you can with your daughter,prepare her as best as you can, stay close to her maintain a close open relationship and always be there for her no matter what.

As my mum said to me she started to see that my relationship was not healthy but she had to be careful how she approached it because i was right in the middle, head over heals for this man. she had given me all the advice she could and she just had to be there to catch me when i fell, and i can say she sure did, she was there waiting for me. And for that i am so very grateful.

A bond between a mother and daughter is something so special that can never be broken.

phantom adoration's picture

Thank you

February 25, 2012 - 10:40pm — phantom adoration

very kindly for your words. I am trying and frankly feel as if I am failing with regards to my daughter. She is not handling this well. In fact not handling it at all. Her grades are suffering, she is falling behind and seems to have lost interest in doing well. Getting by is now enough. She has thrown herself into the extracurricular activites she enjoys that require little effort but provide her solace. She is 17.
I shared with her tonight that there were some photos posted on Facebook of her Dad and the OW, one of them anyway. I thought long and hard about telling her. She is not a participant on Facebook (I am a mean Mother and would not allow it) however many of her cousins and friends are and the N has not un-friended them, only me. I am sure it never occured to him. Arrogance=stupidity. Anyway I did not want her finding out from others. Her Dad should have exercised more control and he should have told her but like everything to do with his leaving telling her was left to me. I even told the Mother's of the cousins so she would know if they said something.
My seeing them was like a punch to the gut and I must say threw me back into despair for a few days.
Once again I encouraged her this evening to talk to someone, to let it out, get mad, angry, cry, whatever it took (she is in therapy) because she is so full of anger and am worried she is going to break down emotionally in a big way. It is only a matter of time. She told me she does not like to talk about "it" because it stresses her and causes her to break out in hives. I explained that is why she MUST let it out. I assured her she does not need to talk to me but someone and offered her the names of several family and friends who are there for her.
As a Mom I am increasingly frustrated and angry...frustrated at my inability to help her and angry at the N for reducing us to this. There is no doubt in my mind he suffers from NPD, only someone ill could walk away from their family and think doing so would have no affect.
I signed up for Our Family Wizard, thereby allowing me to continue NC with him while fufilling any parental obligations. It will be up to him to check the site for info. I only have to enter data. So it will be up to him.
Accountable, he'll hate that.

Black Pearl's picture

Takes time to sink in

February 25, 2012 - 11:49pm — Black Pearl

17 she is on her way to adult hood and she will have the strength to get through this it will be painful at the beginning and it will take a bit of time for it to sink in for your daughter, but with time and knowledge she will get through this tough stage, it is an advantage with her age as she will better understand the behaviors of her farther, my mum broke it to me bit by bit although i was younger i was mature beyond my years, but it is only now i fully understand to the extent of what emotional abuse really is and what someone can do to someone else, having experienced it i am only a few years older than your daughter, trust me she will get through it, it will just take time to sink in, just make sure you are always there for her.

As to her farther being reckless with your daughters emotions, that is something he will have to face, he is old enough and should be smart enough to think about his actions and how it will reflect on his daughter if she sees or hears anything about him and his new relationship.... it's somethings you can not protect against and if your daughter hears or sees any behaviors from her farther that could hurt her that is his doing and she knows that.

His actions are his actions, nothing you can control and nothing you can stop from reaching your daughter.... sometimes it takes a look at the ugly side of people to see the whole picture. as much as you want to protect against seeing that side sometimes it takes a glimpse to see what it really there and sometimes we have to see it with our own eye to believe it.

That's great your daughter is in therapy, it is best to share how you are feeling and not bottle it up because that is what leads to breakdowns when you hold all the emotion inside until its to full and bursts.

The best you can do is prepare and protect her, and sometimes you have to share things you may not want to but it will help her understand.... you will know when the time is right.

This is a stage your daughter is going through and she will need to go through to get to the other side, its better than bottling it up and saying shes ok but breaking down inside, you can see she is affected, you are supporting her, by being there for her and she is getting therapy you are taking all the right steps towards the right path. you have done well, stay close to her and keep an eye on her.

Stay strong and keep moving forward you can do it you both can do it together.

Sparrow's picture

Attn: Parents!!!

February 22, 2012 - 9:35pm — Sparrow

Anyone with children should read this post, Very profound and enlightening. Thanks so much for sharing Phantom.

I can certainly relate to this and the relationship my N had with his children. Very profound indeed.