If you would of asked me six months if I was happy in my marriage I would of said yes, and I would of really believed we both were at that time.

I see the cracks though as I look back.

I have been NC now for 12 days.
My name is Newlifeway and I am a Narc Addict. (I must be, or would this hurt so much? I must be, wouldn't I detach from his sick mind? and not care?)

My kids have transitioned better than me. They have proven to be strong and have been my only real joy at this time in my life. I feel so low, but I can pull myself up and re-do the makeup my tears have made lines on my face, so I can be their Mom.

I was reading so much yesterday. Found many articles on the Madonna/Whore complex and found everything I read extremely interesting, and compared most everything to my soon to be exNH. It is all still confusing because I fing that many of us, not just me, struggle to understand what happened to us, who these men really ARE and how to get over it.

I read that when baby elephants are born into the circus they are staked down by one chain on one foot into the ground. As a baby the elephant could not remove the stake, and as it matured it always believed it couldn't get the stake out, and so never tried again. If there was a fire, the elephant would die inside the tent, because it believe the stake could not be moved.

This was a really powerful story for me. It reminded me that we all can easily fall into a negative thought place where the repition and bombardment of those thought -brought on by our own minds - torture us further, hurting us worse, than just the N Actions alone.

I have been beating myself up. Was I a good enough wife? was there something else I could of done? did I miss something?

What I have learned is that he is fundementally disordered and I didn't realize this. He has lied and betrayed me, and led a life with me that was a cover for the actual life he was living in secret. I realize through learning that he doesn't really love anyone, including himself or his kids unless they give him just what he wants, as he wants it. Otherwise he will detach, go elsewhere, and maybe cycle again when he feels like it.

Am I paying attention?

I felt lost when he left at first.I lost my church, the people that I came to enjoy seeing on the weekends. I felt humiliated, and ashamed, for things I didn't even realize were happening...that were not my fault.

THANK YOU to all here who constantly remind us THE TRUTH about these people. THANKS TO THE MODS for always being there. It helps to find what we can be grateful for, think for a second, if this web site was not here for us at all.

sometimes it is hard to find anything to be grateful/thankful for on the bad days. ( this use to be a part of me! I lived a grateful life! I reminded my self how lucky I was to have healthy kids, my home, my working car, insurance,etc. in the past , why is it so hard now?!)

I am improving slowyly, slowly...grief is still awful when it hits. Ugly crying, ugly sounds, hiding my tears, hiding from the kids. It has helped to share here, and also learn from many of you. I relate to so much of your heartache too.

I bought myself two books: ( Moving Forward after Divorce: Practical Steps to Healing Hurts, and Getting Past the Affair: A Program to Help You Cope, Heal, and Move On -- Together or Apart )

that I have been reading at night (my worst time of depression) trying to re-direct my thoughts. I am so hard on myself. If I wrote down 1/2 the thoughts I have toward myself here (which I won't) I would be embarassed and you may be shocked at how mean I am to ME. How critical. I don't know why this started, but it is very self destructive. I used to more positive, more hopefully, and although he left me and he cheated, I have made this pain much worse by listening to these negative thoughts.

Does anyone have any input on why we do this ourselves? I know we all have at time the repetitive thoughts about the N or the OW, but do you find that your very critical and put yourself down? is this low self esteem?

What is the story you tell yourself ? and how does that Do you find that you engage in negative self thoughts?

please share, thanks
sorry for the long post