MMcCann's Story

Prince Charming

I never realized that I was in an abusive relationship until I was out of it and started researching NPD. We broke up for a brief time in November 2010 and that was when my therapist mentioned that he was a narcissist. I nodded and assumed it was a term with no real meaning behind it. After begging and making promises to marry me, we got back together in December 2010 and it wasn’t until things fell apart again in November of 2011 and I went back into therapy this month that I started researching NPD. What I found astounded me….

I met Mr. Wonderful 7 ½ years ago. He lived in a city over 300 miles from my home. He was charming and funny and handsome. We shared a mutual hobby which I will be vague about describing…think Ren Faire and he played the part of Prince Charming on the white horse. Always the center of attention making the women swoon. He insists on positioning himself in places of power within the organizations of the hobby and considers himself an expert on many topics.

He owned a magnificent house in a ritzy neighborhood that he couldn’t afford and still lived there with his ex-fiancé who was the co-owner. I was forbidden to visit since the ex wouldn’t allow it. The night we met he told me he had gotten bored with her and their relationship was over; the first red flag I ignored. He had been married to a woman for over twenty years and had cheated on her since Day One. He said both of these women had gotten fat and he was no longer attracted to them.

He judged everyone. No one was good enough in his eyes and that included me in the end. He hated overweight people. He had an addiction to internet porn. He made obvious physical passes at a (very skinny and also narcissistic) co-worker during a company party which made my life a living hell at work.

He was so opinionated that he would get somewhat violent when we’d discuss our differing views politics. He didn’t have an ounce of compassion for the poor and blamed everyone for their own lot in life. There were so many incidents of blame shifting that I can’t even count them. Nothing was ever entirely his fault.

During a brief time that we broke up in 2006, I dated a couple of guys. Instead of being angry when he found out I had slept with them (which he did by tricking and manipulating me), he was mildly turned on. I never understood this until I did the research on NPD. That’s when I saw the Madonna/Whore dynamic and recognized lots of signs of that throughout our relationship. Sex was amazing between us but I never felt we were truly making love. He claims he told me I was beautiful all the time but I can only remember him saying it once. Since we have broken up (and before I ended contact with him) he has told me numerous times. I now know that he will say anything to manipulate me.

I made the mistake of staying in contact with him after we broke up which always ended with him trying to blame me for things going wrong. I made the decision to have absolutely no contact with him at all and I feel so much better as a result. I unfriended him on Facebook and removed him from my contact list on Yahoo Messenger so I wouldn’t be tempted to send him a message. It’s the best thing I could have done. There is a small problem in that we have many mutual friends in the hobby we share but I’ve managed to control any urges to ask about him and they have been very loyal to me in not telling him anything about me.

My therapist thinks I didn’t recognize the signs of abuse for so long because it was a long distance relationship. It wasn’t until he started making concrete plans to sell his house, give up his job and move to be with me that he turned on me. I saw a side of him that I’d only seen glimpses of in the past. It was like all his worst qualities came in Technicolor now. He insulted and belittled me. When I went on anti-depressants and gained 15 pounds he would never reassure me that I was still attractive to him. He’d make comments about how I shouldn’t finish the food on my plate and that I needed to do a more rigorous exercise routine.

I thought I was getting over him until I started reading about NPD. I know now that I had simply developed a thin scab over an abscess and it's going to take a lot of time to heal. Lisa's book had been a lifesaver for me and I think these forums will really help too!