why do they say things to plant a seed of doubt

why do they say things to plant a seed of doubt
Posted February 20, 2012 - 4:36pm
0

I broke up with my N about a 2 weeks ago and i have been trying everything to stay strong and move on with my life....easier said than done some days. I can't help but go over some of the things in my head that he said and did, especially when I first wake up in the morning. I woke this morning thinking about this comment he made and just want clarification from someone as to why he said this.

I remember after about a month or so after dating him he said on a couple of occasions, "if we don't work out, can we still be friends?". Our relationship at this stage was very strong and loving (well, so I thought!) and why would he say this??? As I could see a strange N pattern appearing after about 3 months, I said the same thing to him (as I knew things weren't right) and his response was, "oh no, we will be together for a long time". I was always left feeling totally confused by these kind of comments.

‹ The sex was out of this world....but why when they are so cold and dettached??? Leaving immature messages on answering machine!!! ›
nomoredenial's picture

total mindfuck

February 28, 2012 - 3:15am — nomoredenial

The x use to do shit like that all the time....tell me about some guy on a plane he met that was single and never wanted to be married.....like to travel. I would get all insecure and ask (makes me pissed thinking it now) do you want that and he wous smirck and go well sometimes it seems like a nice life...

He would say I think I am like my dad and I should be single..I think it would be better for me. I would get all sad and nervous (try harder) well who won now sucka, he wanted to come home after he left and guess who said no..yep I sure did.

They do this crap to keep you on edge, to feel nervous and insecure. I bet it made you want to focus more on him and how he was feeling.

I am 6 months out and I am starting to get very clear. They are awful, the shit they do

shock and awe.some's picture

Mine used to say

February 21, 2012 - 3:56am — shock and awe.some

"Would you ever want to stay with someone who doesn't want to be with you?" WTF is that supposed to mean? Of course I had narc dust in my eyes and failed to see the twisted meaning behind it. This was after 6 months of being glued to each others sides. The more time passes with NC in place (28 days) the more I know how shifty and manipulative he was. The more things I am remembering he said that now hurt me but at the time I just blew them off. He is not a man, He's a mantis. (with big bulging green eyes and a triangle head that rotates 360.) I have something for him to rotate on. LOL!

Hunter's picture

They know they are Fucked

February 20, 2012 - 7:43pm — Hunter

They know they are Fucked up..he was giving you warning..they cycle every three to six months..

"Let's be friends" always leaves to door open for future supply..

It's up to you to lock that door and throw away the key..

Hunter

Armed's picture

Mine told me a relationship

February 21, 2012 - 12:09am — Armed

Mine told me a relationship with him was not what I wanted when we first got together. It was about a month in. They DO know that they are malicious creeps with intent to destroy you. My ex had plenty of honest revelations however I was so caught up in the pillow talk that I wasn't paying close enough attention. How do you tell someone you don't have anything in common while you hold them tight and play in their hair??? Ahhh sick!

carmie74's picture

Do they know they are f**** up??

February 20, 2012 - 11:37pm — carmie74

So do they know they have a problem?? Its just funny you should say that, as his excuse for me breaking it off was that "sorry but my children come first" and I wish your situation was different....rubbing in the fact that I didnt have children, which is something that i dearly wished that I had. He could not look at himself he blamed his children instead...what a weak weak man!! So back to that question, are they aware that there is something seriously wrong with them???

Dorothy1's picture

Mine wasn't. When I thanked

March 5, 2012 - 10:17pm — Dorothy1

Mine wasn't. When I thanked him for working on it and talking to nicely to me the last couple of week, he had no idea what I was talking about. He said he always talked nice to me. Seriously. he would always make sure he didn't quite yell. He would get the most awful, hateful, evil tone to his voice, and make sure it was so laced with hatred you could not mistake the meaning. He would raise his voice just enough to let me know how angry he was, but not enough for me to say he was disturbing the neighbors (because that was my job). When I would respond he's yell at me and point at the wall, and go off about how I was disturbing the neighbors.And then he would insist he NEVER yelled.

redsunset13601's picture

my ex N said the same thing

February 20, 2012 - 5:57pm — redsunset13601

my ex N said the same thing to me almost a month after we first started dating (if we could just be friends) said he wasn't sure what he wanted. I told him no! right off the bat. because we had already slept together and i told him i was not into the friends with bennies thing.. when i told him no his reply was he was just thinking about it that he wasn;t sure if he wanted to loose me as i could be the real thing for him, real thing is right to torment my life for the next 4 frigin years!

do these nut cases all follow the same script or what?

carmie74's picture

Thanks redsunset13601

February 20, 2012 - 6:57pm — carmie74

Sounds to me as if they do follow the same script. It certainly is helping me get through this difficult time of NC knowing that others have experienced the same cruel treatment of an N. Thank you for your comments I really appreciate it, it's really helping me with the healing process.

Sparrow's picture

They do this to place doubt

February 20, 2012 - 5:20pm — Sparrow

They do this to place doubt in you mind. To keep you on your toes so you "behave" and make sure you are doing your absolute best to appease them.

It's what they do, and the time frame that you speak of, is dead on for when they start to implement/ or set you up, for the first of many D & D's.

Stay away from him and remain NC. It's the only way. I am sorry to have to tell you that. I know it hurts, but it will hurt 10 times worst if you return to him.

Good luck and stay strong!

Emptyheart's picture

So typecast!

February 20, 2012 - 7:06pm — Emptyheart

Mine was three months too, I felt something was amiss when I gave him his birthday present. He kissed me ON THE CHEEK, and said,"that's really nice that is"

He had told me I was the love of his life the night before!

The next day we had robot sex four times, He turned to look at me (for the first time during the whole thing,even though I was sat on his knee facing him afterwards) and said

"I think of you as my best friend"

My heart fell into my feet and to make myself feel better, I actually told myself, he means as well as the love of his life and his soulmate!

But needless to say, that was when I started paying more attention to him and the other woman.

I think I knew with that comment really that he had already moved on, but the cruel sick scumbag had sex four times with me and told me he loved me, I was beautiful,and he caouldn't get me out of his head,,,, before he felt he needed to tell me this revelation!!

carmie74's picture

Thank you for your words of advise Sparrow

February 20, 2012 - 6:53pm — carmie74

Thank you so much Sparrow for your comments, it helps me to believe that there is nothing wrong with me, that he was the one making me doubt myself all along and that was part of his sick game, which would have just gotten worse over time.

I tell myself each day that having NC is the best thing for me in rebuilding my strength and confidence. I feel like so much energy has been stripped from me and some days are a real struggle, but this website and people like yourself give me hope that there is light at the end of the tunnel and I will get through this.

Many thanks again, your comments have helped me begin my day with strength. x