I just want to feel "normal" again

Movingforwardnow

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22 weeks 3 days

Last activity:
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I just want to feel "normal" again

Posted February 19, 2012 - 12:51pm

I do get it. I read, read, read, read and then I journal and write and write and write. I am in therapy. Twice a week usually. Actually upped it to 3x's next week. I am concentrating on CBT. I am on the call every Wednesday. I post here, I reply to those who post. I talk in person to the few who understand. I talk by text to those who understand who are too far away to meet in person. I reread the list of all his abuse to remind me why I should not like this man, or be with this man, and why he deserves no space in my head or heart. I do these things almost obsessively. I just want to feel "normal" again. I know this post is I, I, I, I.....all about me. Sorry for that but I just want to feel "normal". I want to have a genuine smile, laugh out loud without it being forced. I want to love myself again so, one day, maybe, that love will be reciprocated in a healthy way.

I just always wanted it to be the "manipulator" I know he can't love, I know he doesn't even know what that means. My mind gets that. I am coming to accept that. I deserve more and better and I know I have to love me first before I can find that. I don't want to grow old alone. I just want to feel "normal" again.

What your feeling is so very

February 19, 2012 - 2:34pm — Sparrow

What your feeling is so very normal. I remember all too well how it felt. I never thought that I would find my place in life again. The pain, heartbreak, most of all betrayal. The emotional roller coaster ride. The darkness that I once lived in is no longer there. And it will no longer be there for you as well. This is a very long process. Please expect it to take at least 2 years minimum. I know that sounds like a long time, but it really isn't. It may take you just a year. Depends on the individual and the circumstances they are faced with, as well as the resources and most importantly, the commitment of one self.

In my opinion, you are working too hard actually. I did in the beginning also. I ate, slept and drank NPD. It helped me in many ways, but looking back, it also harmed me a bit as well. Making your entire life, every minute of every day, about the disordered, prevents you from living your daily life. Everything in moderation I say. Take at least one hour a day, preferably in the evening, just for you. Keep the NPD out of it............take a long bubble bath, read a book that has nothing to do with what your dealing with. Take up needlepoint, or knitting. Take walks..........something for you and only you that detaches you from all of this. When you become all consumed, it can sometimes actually consume you.

It is important to educate yourself, focus on your healing, on your journey. But you must make time for you. It's the only way that I believe you can truly begin to move forward. Good luck and stay strong! The journey is long from over but you are off to a very good start!

MFN, I can completely

February 19, 2012 - 1:22pm — Londonteacher

MFN,

I can completely relate to what you say and I wish I had an solution for you. But please consider how far worse off you would be if you were not doing these steps you described. Furthermore, please note that you did not say that you want to reconcile with your ex. Nor did you berate yourself for this relationship. To me, this shows real growth and progress! Be proud of yourself.

To Freaked: it hurts me to read what you say about yourself. I have done the same thing and I know that this kind of self talk just rips your heart even more. You did nothing wrong. It is wonderful to have faith, hope, trust, and love. These are the hallmarks of a genuine and beautiful human being. I just wish that you would treat yourself with these kindnesses.

you wont ever be normal

February 19, 2012 - 1:08pm — nlvr7

you wont ever be normal again, none of us will. scar tissue baby. but is that such a bad thing? we can all move on smarter and stronger. change is scary, lets be brave together!!! let me ask you this, what makes you happy?

Movingforward

February 19, 2012 - 1:04pm — Run4it

you are doing all the things that are necessary but time is one of the important pieces of the recovery puzzle as well. I am 6 months out from D&D and my friend just told me yesterday that it was good to have me back. My sense of humor is back. I went to a party last night and took a single gal friend and danced and laughed and had a great time. It will come if you do the work. Hang in there. You have to trust the process and you can see from this site that it does work!!!!!

At first, it will be moments of "feeling normal" and then those moments will become hours, then days, then months........years!!!

Let me also say that I am

February 19, 2012 - 1:06pm — Run4it

Let me also say that I am still dealing with issues as they crop up, and they do crop up, but I am working through them much faster and with less pain now. I have come to the point where I want to work on me and give the N as little space in my brain as possible.

ditto! dont let them take any

February 19, 2012 - 1:15pm — nlvr7

ditto! dont let them take any more from us!!!!!

Dear Movingforwardnow, I have

February 19, 2012 - 1:17pm — midnight7

Dear Movingforwardnow, I don't think I have ever felt 'normal', not even sure what it consists of! Am now beginning to understand that only when I know who I am, love who I am, and look within myself for answers, strength, courage, validation rather than looking to someone else then the fractured parts might become a whole person for the first time. We all have core issues that allowed us to be vulnerable to a N, all the reading in the world (much like you I've read enough for a PhD in N/psychopath behaviour) will not bring back normalcy until we understand who we are.

yu will be normal again mfn

February 19, 2012 - 12:56pm — freaked

MFN...just the thought that yu want to feel 'normal' again is going to help be normal again. Unlike me who is in very deep shame for having had just one love in my life...and he turns out to be a CN who humilated me verbally...and then nh who i never really liked ever...but who let me down and humilated me way too much.

I have no chance to feel normal now.

will be grateful if i can stop feeling ashamed of myself and my trustin naivette

i understand where ur coming

February 23, 2012 - 5:47pm — redsunset13601

i understand where ur coming from, i feel very ashamed that i let all that happen to me go on for so long. i mean my god, i gave every ounce of my respect for myself to him i let him ruin myself respect and make a fool of me,

i was fighting to win his heart..in the beginning before i moved in with him when we first started dating, he would summons me like 1-2am in the morning and i would go,i loved him so much and wanted to be there for him but not the way he was thinking but i did it anyway.... i felt like a private on call whore, one time i got there he was in the bathroom brushing his teeth and i said hi, i'm here (as i had a key to let myself in) and he stood there strung out on his meth laughing at me and i could sense why he was laughing it was because i jumped right in my car and came right over. At the time i lived not far from him...

i thought it was because he wanted to be with me... all of me not just the good ole romp in the hay and fall asleep..good god that was pathetic of me to do...

in the end this last time, he asked me to give him some space he didn't want me to fully move out but he asked me if i would mind staying next door at my best friends place for awhile, he said keep the key to the house and keep the truck keys and keep coming over ever day and make sure u get me up by 8am and u can keep doing the office work (he owns his own business)we just need a little healthy break he called it.... it all made no sense to me because i ended up spending the night there anyway , there may have been a few nighti didn't but most of the time i would. when friday night came he would disappear for the weekend,

one friday night before he left he told me he was just going to go to the casino and take a ride he would see me later he just had a bad day and wanted to be alone, he didn't frign come home all weekend, and this became a habit every friday night my heart just sank as i sat over at my friends house playing cards waiting for him to come home and he never did, no call no tex no nothing ..i never said a word i got into his email as i feared the time was coming once again to throw me away the dreaded facts i did not want to face he was sleeping with someone else on the weekends and wanted to be with me during the week. i confronted him and of course i was over reacting no such thing was going on and i said i read the emails and of course again i was accused of spying on him , that i wasn't loyal and believed in him and he said those are old emails i was going threw to delete that is what they said but how odd they had the curent date on them...he twisted it all back onto me and that is when he decided well if u have no trust in me the u don't love me get out! and never come back! he said it is over for good, i can't have a woman i can't trust, i can't have a woman that questions me and doesn't believe in me, on and on so it was my fault as usual that we broke up once again,

i was so hurt by all this , i told the other neighbor he was drawing off there wireless internet he got there password to do so he wouldn't have to pay for a second connection for the office and now the man hates me, i wish i never stooped so low and did that to him, i should of said nothing because that makes me no better than he....

i just wanted to hurt him back the way he hurt me and all that got me was horrible cruel words, labled a rat, a traitor, betrayal, not trust worthy, hated forever, embarrassed him, made him look like a criminal when he was confronted about it..

im a fools fool...don't no why i could never see that this man did not love me, oh sure he said he did but he didn't just used me over and over and the mental abuse was intense i will never be normal again, i will always feel ashamed for the things i allowed and he was the love of my life and part of me will hang onto that,, i truly found the love of my life but he was a figment of my imagination,

i had the love of my life for 3 short months when it was all new and then i lived the next 4 years living in nothing but a dark world, so i understand when u say u feel ashamed as i do as well.

Whats your definition of 'normal'

February 19, 2012 - 1:32pm — Snowflake

Yes you will be able to live a life without thinking of the N eventually..

You will live a better life, because life is life lessons..you have to hurt to feel the joy..it feels shit at the time but then later you understand why..

Let me share something..

I am reading a book and it talks to me (Jack Canfield)

If you are going to be a winner you have to acknowledge the truth..it is YOU who took the actions, thought the thoughts, created the feelings and made the choices to get you where you are at now.

You didnt say no
You chose to believe him
You chose to stay
You bought it
You trusted him

You create or allow everything that happens to you.

Think about it x

Snowflake

February 19, 2012 - 1:49pm — Movingforwardnow

I will give this some thought but.....I do NOT have to take on full ownership of this relationship.

I did say NO and walked away he hit me anyways.

I left many times to be fooled and tricked into coming back (brainwashed) I don't have to take ownership of that either.

I trusted him because I am a trustworthy myself. Do I have some ownership there, sure, I do. But I will not walk around the rest of my life with a chip on my shoulder, or afraid to trust every person I meet. Will I be more aware of Red Flags..yes, of course, I will.

I understand the "you create or allow everyting that happens to you" I undersatnd what you are saying.

Let me ask you this: If I was sitting in my home, watching tv, late at night, doors are locked, a stranger breaks in and rapes me...where is my ownership in that? What did I do to create or allow this to happen?

No, this is not part of my story just a scenario. Sometimes, bad things happen becuase they happen. There's a lesson to learn from it. But it does not always mean one created or allowed it. Sorry, I don't buy that. I do take ownership of my recovery and I do take ownership of my part in our relationship. But, I do not have to own his, or take his on, or let him off the hook because I can just give him the excuse it was my fault because: "You create or allow everything that happens to you."

I will work on self-forgiveness first and then maybe someday have some forgivness for him. Again, though, he does not get a free ride on the sole premise that I creatd or allowed all that happened.

I said

February 19, 2012 - 1:52pm — Snowflake

the book talks to me..

The you bits were from the book

I just wanted to share x

Snowflake

February 19, 2012 - 2:07pm — Movingforwardnow

I appreciate your sgaring and it soungs like a great book.

My only point is I only have to take ownership of my crap and I do not have to take ownership of is. I don't have to give him a free pass. I did that a lot or wouldnlt be where I am today?!?!

I have to difeferentiate the parts I own or created and the prats he owned or created. Then I have to leave his parts to him to do with as he pleases. I do not own his parts nor did I deserve them. Do we have some part in creating our lives or situations.....yes we do. I will feel normal once I own mine. Forgive myself for them and move on. By then taking ownership of his will be meaningless and pointless because they will no longer effect me. Hence, recovery!

I understand that

February 19, 2012 - 2:38pm — Snowflake

And I am not asking you to take ownership of his..but I am saying..generally..that we all have to take ownership of our part in it..

why didnt we say no
why didnt we try harder to keep them out of our lives

I know all about NPD but the fact we were targets and allowed ourselves to be manipulated also points to issues within ourselves x

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