Hardly can believe it...

Hardly can believe it...
0

It's sunday afternoon, I been busy, but thoughts of him still fill my head. Like what's he doing now, who is he with does he think about me etc.... I just try to let then flow through my mind. Then I pull out the list of things he has done to me. I begin to remember more, it's coming to the point that I can barely see a thread of truth in our relationship. Everything seems to have been a lie, just even the littlest unimportant conversation. It really makes me physically sick. I just don't understand how someone lives like this. I know I never fully will. I know he just wanted me for supply and that there were several women in his life for two years. He use to rage so much at me,(when I confronted him) wouldn't let me leave his apt. One time, even physically lefting me up and setting me on his sofa. One time I ran into the bedroom, shut the door and curl up and cry. I don't even know what he trigger inside me at that time. Always, he would swear his love for me, that it would work out, that he had so much to change and make up for. But things never changed. Then something inside me broke, and I began raging back at him. Standing at him, toe to toe, yelling , screaming, cusing, I began to threathen him. I'm a survivior been through hell a few times, and made it back. That's when the d&d began. Of course he blame me, but in fact he's never been faithful, and lied about the cancer. So I still have thoughts about him, only because we had some good moments. I just needed to talk about it, I have been moving on. I even have some moments of pure joy. He left me in such a fiancially mess, that hurts.( it does help to know that many narcs do that). I still here and I'm still moving. Thanks for reading.

Sparrow's picture

I use to hear, every five

I use to hear, every five weeks, "no more bumps in the road" I got so tired of hearing it, it was like a broken record. They will say and do anything to keep you within their grasp, so they can ultimately discard you on their own terms.

You will one day have a full understanding. Eventually all the pieces of the puzzle will fit. Once you do, your narc won't matter to you in the least bit.

fearlessfemale's picture

plastic wrap

...something about your post reminded me of something funny. Perhaps it's what you said about standing up to him. "crackhead" was so anal about certain things.

I remember cooking lunch for him one day while he patiently waited at the table like a child. Anyway, when we finished I began to put things away. I was putting plastic wrap over a bowl of leftovers and he said, "be sure to tighten it up and make it smooth without any wrinkles"... I deliberately loosely stretched the wrap over the bowl and told him, "it's fine just like it is".

This drove him nuts! We proceeded to go into the living room to watch t.v. and I could see it was still on his mind. He was skirming in his chair, face turning red like his blood pressure was climbing...I thought he was going to break out in a sweat thinking about it so much. haha! guess this is one little "happy" reward for me against all the bad things he did.

-fefe

fallingfoward's picture

They're crazy....

I know they are just crazy about little things, while they decieve and lie in so many areas. My nace use to rage if I wipe my hands on his white towels in the bathroom. I mean rage about how I was like a little kid, dirtying his towels. During this time, he living in two places, one with the ow and the apt. where I saw him. So when the D&D started, I would think of those small things and think if I would have been more considered he would have stayed with me. And like you, I pull myself away and wouldn't care about the stupid towels. So glad I'm so far removed from the crazyness of these fools. Fearless female, so glad we are out of these sick relationships.

Hugs to you