It's sunday afternoon, I been busy, but thoughts of him still fill my head. Like what's he doing now, who is he with does he think about me etc.... I just try to let then flow through my mind. Then I pull out the list of things he has done to me. I begin to remember more, it's coming to the point that I can barely see a thread of truth in our relationship. Everything seems to have been a lie, just even the littlest unimportant conversation. It really makes me physically sick. I just don't understand how someone lives like this. I know I never fully will. I know he just wanted me for supply and that there were several women in his life for two years. He use to rage so much at me,(when I confronted him) wouldn't let me leave his apt. One time, even physically lefting me up and setting me on his sofa. One time I ran into the bedroom, shut the door and curl up and cry. I don't even know what he trigger inside me at that time. Always, he would swear his love for me, that it would work out, that he had so much to change and make up for. But things never changed. Then something inside me broke, and I began raging back at him. Standing at him, toe to toe, yelling , screaming, cusing, I began to threathen him. I'm a survivior been through hell a few times, and made it back. That's when the d&d began. Of course he blame me, but in fact he's never been faithful, and lied about the cancer. So I still have thoughts about him, only because we had some good moments. I just needed to talk about it, I have been moving on. I even have some moments of pure joy. He left me in such a fiancially mess, that hurts.( it does help to know that many narcs do that). I still here and I'm still moving. Thanks for reading.