Do you think you're ready to date?? This is why you shouldnt....

Do you think you're ready to date?? This is why you shouldnt....
Posted February 19, 2012 - 2:07am
1

I met a guy....
He is everything Im attracted to...he's Italian, dark graying hair, very muscular, funny as hell...blah blah blah.....

He is very nice, great sense of humor, we have a lot of mutual friends/acquaintances and Im told he is a "good guy".

Im talking with him and the entire time Im analyzing EVERYTHING he is saying....EVERYTHING...and Im asking myself questions as if Im interviewing myself about him...Does he talk too much about himself? Does he think negatively about things? Does he speak poorly about others? His ex wives? (And YES there are 2 ex wives...the first one was his pregnant girlfriend from HS, only lasted 3 years)
So Im questioning myself to find the red flags....I was looking very hard for those red flags....looking looking waiting waiting....

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULDNT DATE!!!!!!! IF YOU ARE OVER ANALYZING THIS POOR PERSON BECAUSE OF YOUR PAST, THEN YOU DID NOT RECOVER, YOU ARE NOT READY!!!!!!!

It's good to have your guard up a little bit and pay attention to anything that doesnt seem right, but when you are so fixated on it that it affects your comfort level and your ability to even focus on conversation...it's NOT good!

I felt like a driver getting back into the drivers seat after being in a terrible car accident...I was nervous...unsure...sweaty...my mind was all over the place.

Im very lucky that he and I cant really see each other often because our schedules with our children dont make it possible for us to ever really be alone.....

I obviously am not ready for any of this...
After my work is done with recovering, and my tools are put in place....THEN I will be able to handle this and actually enjoy an evening such as this....

Bottom line: Do not rush...this isnt a race!!! Take your time and heal correctly!!!!

‹ A Theory about the OW and ongoing contact Sub-conscience Mind and conscience mind ›
walking_on_sunshine's picture

LOL, I hear ya! Sort of like

February 20, 2012 - 3:14pm — walking_on_sunshine

LOL, I hear ya! Sort of like my post about the one guy giving me an anxiety every time I even think of him. I still have trouble speaking to him, I just run away in the middle of the conversation. It is what it is though, I actually get a good chuckle out of it sometimes because I make myself laugh at my ridiculous fearfulness of him.

Single it is...

Run4it's picture

Lesson Learned

February 19, 2012 - 12:57pm — Run4it

I am a believer in not dating until you are properly healed from the last relationship. Total recipe for disaster! LOL, luckily, that is pretty easy where I live because there just aren't that many guys that would even catch my eye around here!!!

Hunter's picture

If your leg is broken.. It

February 19, 2012 - 10:22am — Hunter

If your leg is broken.. It must heal before you can walk on it..it may even require rehab ..

Second this "poor guy" sounds like a Narc.. 2 x wife's .. Muscular , and funny..

Funny is attention seeking, muscular is self love, and 2 x speaks volumes ..

A man is not going to be A quick fix..

Hunter

Sparrow's picture

Well said Janemarie. And you

February 19, 2012 - 9:46am — Sparrow

Well said Janemarie. And you are right, no one, and I mean no one, should even entertain the thought of dating during recovery. It not only keeps you from healing, it will lend itself to the relationship you are in the process of healing from in ways you can't imagine.

Seeking out a relationship during the healing process is merely seeking out a band aid for a wound that honestly requires stitches.

Great post and great reminder Jane!

midnight7's picture

I'm taking 12-18 months

February 19, 2012 - 6:54am — midnight7

Yes, I agree. I'm taking 12-18 months minimum away from relationships. I'm not sure of anyone/anything at the moment and I'm unable to trust people in general presently. Working towards healing first, setting boundaries, looking within for my sense of self, rather than outwards.

fearlessfemale's picture

midnight7

February 19, 2012 - 10:17am — fearlessfemale

I feel like that's a good amount of time to wait for considering starting a relationship. smart girl.

I'm going to perhaps start with a "lunch date only"
rule around May. This should be the time that I have started feeling good about myself and confident enough to stand my ground on any boundaries i have in place.

Relationship...NO WAY... I believe at least a year is a very good time to allow yourself to deprogram from the "crackheads", do the work to heal, reinvent ourselves, and prepare a good plan of action. We have to be sure we do not repeat this same mistake again. TOO PAINFUL, TOO FREAKIN DAMAGING TO OUR MIND, BODY, AND SOULS..AND SPIRITS.

We all truly deserve the best after what we've been thru.
-fefe

nlvr7's picture

good guy

February 19, 2012 - 4:14am — nlvr7

hate that term "good guy" if I would have known then what I know now....that t women friends of t N said this bc he had blinded them and their husbands w his good guy mask to get referrals/free help for his practice.... f him his friends and their gold digging wives. so glad im out of that circle.

Zenster's picture

Yes! I also despise the term

February 19, 2012 - 9:55am — Zenster

Yes! I also despise the term "good guy". My Narc appears to be a good guy...Mr Perfect in fact. He has so many people fooled. His Narc mother tells anyone and everyone that her son "is such a nice guy". Puke! He tries to be nice...by putting on a show and he will scream at you telling you how nice he is. It would be funny if it wasn't so pathetic.

I agree that taking time to heal us key. I never want to get involved with a narc again. I've wasted my entire adult life with a two-timing Narc who claims he is "not like other guys"...that he is amazing and I'm a terrible wife, mother, employee. He is mean.

My therapist says he will repeat his pattern. I am very keen to know if this is true. The significant other in his relationships becomes the evil controller. His only other longterm girlfriend became the evil one to him (because they disagreed on which fast food chain made the best burgers and she voiced her opinion).

Ranting. Sorry!

I don't trust testimonials of "good guys"...

Littleone's picture

The other point id like to

February 19, 2012 - 2:47am — Littleone

The other point id like to add Is if u date too soon u might attract another n... Just like I did.
I was the same as u...analyzed everything but he charmed me! I am now trying to escape yet another n and am dealing with the CD all over again with another one! Plus I have taken massive steps backwards in my recovery.