A Narc or just a liar and cheat??
Wow... I came across this site purely by accident and sooo glad I did! I have read so much info on narcissists and I'm not sure if I'm married to one or not. I would be so grateful for your thoughts, advice and opinions.
I will really try and keep this short - it's hard to get so much info across though but will do my best.
Ok, I met my husband 11 years ago. My Dad was killed 2 mths earlier so I was pretty vulnerable and this guy became my 'hero' of sorts. He was perfect! He had morals, values (he was even religious) and was different to any guy I had ever met! He adored me and you could see it. 6 weeks later we were engaged... 8 months later we were married! He was in a band and would play in bars regularly but he always made me feel like i was the only woman in the room - even when he was on stage :) I married an amazing man.
I helped promote his music, the local stations started playing his songs, I'm a graphic and webs designer, so I used my skills to create and maintain his website, album covers etc.
Looking back, I see certain things that were wrong but didn't notice at the time. Over that time we had two gorgeous children. Things changed dramatically 2 1/2 years ago.
Two and a half years ago is when we both realised that, after working so hard on his music career, it was just not going to happen - the fame, I mean. Sad really, cos he deserves to 'make it'. But we realised that we need to let that dream go and pursue another career (me doing my web design and getting my degree).
That year, the day before my birthday, he took me down to the beach and said he's "not cut out to be a husband and father". I was devastated... naturally.
From that day on the following two years was full of mindgames, lies and deceit. He moved us to another city 4 hours away, would say things that while he was out playing he had "met someone", would even make up a name and say it was "paula" or whatever. Then when i started with questions and got upset he would say "no I didn't really meet anyone - I just wanted to see how you would react". I saw pics of him playing in his covers band online - and noticed he had no wedding ring on... when I confronted him about it, he made it sound like I didn't trust him!! How could I when he was making up "stories" and taking his ring off!
Finally over that two years I found out that he had met a girl while out playing. He NEVER told me, he denied it the whole time - but I only found out cos he changed all his passwords and created a hotmail account. I managed to find a way into his hotmail account and saw ALL the emails to this girl :( My heart just dropped. The devastation cannot be described.
He never told me ANYTHING - I got in touch with this girl and asked what the heck was going on. She thought he was separated! We talked and she told me EVERYTHING. They hadn't slept together, but they were in a 'relationship' i guess you would call it. She hated him when she found out he was married. She wanted nothing to do with him. Over the past 2 years he acted like he was literally obsessed with her. I was the 'forgiving' wife and didn't kick him out - cos he was REALLY sorry. Then I would find out that he had emailed her or texted her, and he would SWEAR he wouldn't do it again. THis continued over 2 WHOLE YEARS! But he was sooo sincere...!! He would tell me he couldn't stand her and that he wanted me, our family and our goals, then i would get a text from her saying "I hope you're still not with him - he texted me today.." and she would forward the text through :( It was awful... but he wouldn't let me leave cos he was soooo sorry and sweet and caring whenever I wanted out. It was horrible.
So much bad stuff happened with us. Finally, a couple of weeks ago, he told me he wanted a divorce. I was devastated - cos here he was saying how much he loves me and wants this family... but all of a sudden, a divorce??? Crazy! I tried talking to him, but he was cold and cruel and felt NOTHING! He even admitted he finds it hard to 'feel'. Finally... (I guess out of desperation) he told me that 2 1/2 years ago he had met a girl while out playing (not this one that he's been obsessed with - but a bargirl) and had gone home and slept with her! I was shocked, sickened, couldn't believe it. I think finally I had had enough. After a week of knowing that, I just felt like I had no tears left. No anger. Nothing. I just feel nothing :(
So now... he wants to 'work this out'!!! But how can I? I don't even know if I'm in love anymore. A big part of me wants this 'happy family' ... but I'm not sure.
I haven't given ALL the info... because there is just sooo much. The mindgames were just massive and unbearable. The only reason I think he may not be a NARC though is because in the beginning - that beautiful adoring man I met was real... he really was. That wasn't an act. It just wasn't.
I would so appreciate your thoughts and opinions... I know this is long. Thank you so much for reading this far xox