Ashley's Story

Ashley's Story
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Hi Everyone,

I'm new here and I feel like this forum is just what I need. I have honestly been a lurker for a while, but I feel the need to share my story now.

I am 25 years old, and my N (age 26 then) swooped out of nowhere and swept me off my feet in April of 2010. I felt like I had never been in love with anyone that deeply, as he came off very strong very fast. He said things to me that no man has ever said to me, and I believed every word. He made me feel like I had literally saved his life. He asked me to be his girlfriend after only knowing me for a week and a half; That should have been my first warning sign. The second warning sign should have been that he told me he wanted to get me pregnant and he loved me after about three weeks of being together. I was so taken that I ignored all of these signs, and even went along with them. Before I knew it, his jealous side began to show. He would have to know where I was at all times, he would pick up my phone and go through EVERYTHING, he would tell me his exes cheated on him and told me not to break his heart by doing this. He told me to never lie to him. I mistakenly thought he was insecure and vulnerable, not sick and twisted. I gave my heart to him. All of it.

We moved in together very soon, in October of the same year. That is when the full mask came off. I caught him chatting with a girl online, asking her for nude pictures and everything. I was CRUSHED. This was something I thought someone so honest and true would never do. I was beyond upset. He cried and manipulated me, he lied to my face even though I had proof, then began calling himself an idiot, etc. But after that, I wasn't allowed to mention this occurrence. He never gave me a proper apology, and when I mentioned how it made me feel, he seemed angry more than anything. After that happened, I had a guard up. I lost a lot of trust, and every time he was on the computer I panicked. I would check the history, and found some disturbing things such as this one search he did looking for rape-simulation porn. I was disgusted. He denied of course.

We fought a lot, and he never saw my side. He would say mean hurtful things, call me a whore, slut, etc. "Liar" was ironically his favorite criticism. Fighting with him was like fighting with a 7 year old child. He stopped complimenting me altogether, and I began to feel like his roommate. I began to feel like a needy, pathetic person and I hated it. I was slowly losing my self-esteem, and felt like I was on a downward spiral. The tiniest compliment or sign of affection from him made me feel golden. Through our entire relationship, he never even bought me one flower.

We had a blow-up fight over something stupid like laundry this past December, and we broke up. He said awful things to me, then imitated me when I cried. I didn't want to move out, I wanted to work on things, but he became cold and said I should leave since he "had nowhere to go". I moved back with my mother, and we have been in contact ever since. When the break-up initially happened, I felt like he had just given up on all we had. I was literally in a fog for 2 months, and I am obviously still not over it because I am on here. He will not let me forget him. If he texts me and I don't respond, he freaks out. But it is fine for him to ignore me. I have a long way to go, but realizing he had narcissistic traits is helping me a lot with the confusion about everything. I had a feeling a break-up should not be this hard, and there has to be a reason behind why it has been so difficult for me. I think I have found my reason.

Sparrow's picture

Welcome to the forum Ashley.

Welcome to the forum Ashley. I am sorry that you had a need to seek out a place of support at such a young age.

Educate yourself on the disorder, purchase Lisa's book. It is an incredible tool and stay close to the forum. Post as often as you like. We are all here for you!

Whether he is a narc or not, he mistreats you and that is what is important here. Stay NC. He won't change, nor does he want to. He will continue to harrass you until he bores of you or finds new supply. Stay strong and continue to delete any texts or emails he sends to you!

SoOverTheGames's picture

OMG I could have written your

OMG I could have written your story myself... this is EXACTLY what my husband was like!! My story is here: http://www.lisaescott.com/forum/2012/02/15/narc-or-just-liar-and-cheat

and I myself have only just found this forum! I cannot believe it, reading over your story - the way he treated you when you found out things - THAT is what my husband did (only the past 2.5 years has he been like this - we have just separated after 10 years of marriage and two kids). When you said it's like "fighting with a 7 year old" ... omg I KNOW that feeling!!

We are now separated, he moved out a month ago - but is still wanting to 'work this out' and even thinks he is going to move back in 2 weeks! pft!

I so know what you are going through - you want to work on it, but you kinda know it's not good for you! It's sooo hard to stay away - they have their moments where they make you feel A-MAZING and as soon as you start to 'give back' they change back to their cold distant nasty ways. It's horrible and it's a roller coaster!

I have no advice I'm sorry - except to say that I know exactly what you are going through...I know how hard it is, and I too am scared to make that final break :(

ab683096's picture

Wow, our stories are similar.

Wow, our stories are similar. Especially with the way ours both played mindgames. The mindgames drove me crazy because I put tp much effort into all we had, only to be made out to feel like a deceitful, bad person. I never actually caught mine with an actual OW, but I did catch him having online flirting/affairs. So who knows what actually happened. It probably happened throughout our entire relationship. The worst part was, when we first started going out, he didn't have a computer. I gave him my old laptop, because I wanted to be a good girlfriend and I wanted him to have it. And look what he used it for. The hardest part of this is that they do such awful things to us, it should be easy to break it off. But it isn't easy. I am also scared to make the final break :(

dazed's picture

He sounds like a very

He sounds like a very immature nutcase to me. Lots of inappropriate stuff there. Going through your phone. Just because he says his exes cheated, does not mean he gets to invade your privacy. Likely though he is just projecting what he has done to them in the past. There's also the porn. The flirting with another woman. He is very controlling. This is not a man who loves you, Ashley. Does not matter what good memories you have. The bad here is stuff that doesn't happen in your normal relationship. Basically, huge red flags. You need to pay attention to them. Good news though. First you've found a wonderful community here and you will get better. Recovering from these relationships is different than normal breakups. It will take some time. Second you are very young and what you learn now will benefit you for a long time to come.

So regarding the final break. What are you scared of?

Lastly, in order to start your recovery you need to go NC. That means blocking his calls, his emails, his texts. It means you have no idea he's trying to contact you and you certainly do not reach out to him. Unfriend him on FB. Make your profile for friends only. Absolutely no contact. He freaks out? Tough shit! You need to set some boundaries, basically make a statement about how you will be treated and what behavior is acceptable and what is not. Freaking out about you not responding to him but him being able to give you the silent treatment is not acceptable. Flirting with other women and asking for nude pictures is not only not acceptable but IMO is a deal breaker. The importance here for you is that being protective of you and cherishing your own spirit is the foundation for happiness. It will also help to keep you from being taken advantage of and from being abused. Make no mistake. This is abuse and continuing to engage with this POS will seriously screw your mind up. Take a stand. Have standards and don't look back. I hope you take the steps to a happier healthier Ashley.