I'm new here and I feel like this forum is just what I need. I have honestly been a lurker for a while, but I feel the need to share my story now.
I am 25 years old, and my N (age 26 then) swooped out of nowhere and swept me off my feet in April of 2010. I felt like I had never been in love with anyone that deeply, as he came off very strong very fast. He said things to me that no man has ever said to me, and I believed every word. He made me feel like I had literally saved his life. He asked me to be his girlfriend after only knowing me for a week and a half; That should have been my first warning sign. The second warning sign should have been that he told me he wanted to get me pregnant and he loved me after about three weeks of being together. I was so taken that I ignored all of these signs, and even went along with them. Before I knew it, his jealous side began to show. He would have to know where I was at all times, he would pick up my phone and go through EVERYTHING, he would tell me his exes cheated on him and told me not to break his heart by doing this. He told me to never lie to him. I mistakenly thought he was insecure and vulnerable, not sick and twisted. I gave my heart to him. All of it.
We moved in together very soon, in October of the same year. That is when the full mask came off. I caught him chatting with a girl online, asking her for nude pictures and everything. I was CRUSHED. This was something I thought someone so honest and true would never do. I was beyond upset. He cried and manipulated me, he lied to my face even though I had proof, then began calling himself an idiot, etc. But after that, I wasn't allowed to mention this occurrence. He never gave me a proper apology, and when I mentioned how it made me feel, he seemed angry more than anything. After that happened, I had a guard up. I lost a lot of trust, and every time he was on the computer I panicked. I would check the history, and found some disturbing things such as this one search he did looking for rape-simulation porn. I was disgusted. He denied of course.
We fought a lot, and he never saw my side. He would say mean hurtful things, call me a whore, slut, etc. "Liar" was ironically his favorite criticism. Fighting with him was like fighting with a 7 year old child. He stopped complimenting me altogether, and I began to feel like his roommate. I began to feel like a needy, pathetic person and I hated it. I was slowly losing my self-esteem, and felt like I was on a downward spiral. The tiniest compliment or sign of affection from him made me feel golden. Through our entire relationship, he never even bought me one flower.
We had a blow-up fight over something stupid like laundry this past December, and we broke up. He said awful things to me, then imitated me when I cried. I didn't want to move out, I wanted to work on things, but he became cold and said I should leave since he "had nowhere to go". I moved back with my mother, and we have been in contact ever since. When the break-up initially happened, I felt like he had just given up on all we had. I was literally in a fog for 2 months, and I am obviously still not over it because I am on here. He will not let me forget him. If he texts me and I don't respond, he freaks out. But it is fine for him to ignore me. I have a long way to go, but realizing he had narcissistic traits is helping me a lot with the confusion about everything. I had a feeling a break-up should not be this hard, and there has to be a reason behind why it has been so difficult for me. I think I have found my reason.