Yogaflowers Story

It's taken me ages to start to write this, a part of me feels like a failure for doing so but when i see so many similar stories, it just saddens me that there are so many men like this and that we have all suffered that same fate.
I met ex when he was 14 he was my younger brother's best friend and although 5 years older than him I always had a crush on him, he made me weak at the knees when he smiled at me. Over the years I always found myself asking after him and one day some 20years later I heard he had joined the army I was sad to hear this. A year passed and I decided out of the blue to contact him! (I must add that i had been in relationships throughout my life but always found myself wondering about him) Anyway i contacted him and we talked for days and one day he asked why I'd suddenly got in contact so I told him that I'd always had a crush on him, the first alarm bell was- " you'd be perfect"! then came the fact that he'd been married for a year but it had ended because 'she was a nutter' and he'd been accused of domestic violence. That scared a peace loving yoga person like me, but he assured me he'd paid the price and had been pushed to it and would never do it again and that he was having anger management therapy.
We got together a few months later and I was knocked off my feet, thought i'd finally got what I'd always wanted and was head over heals in love. Now because he was in the army it meant that i only got to see him every 6weeks or so and to begin with I thought that was normal, but over the months and years I realised it was me making the effort and me doing my best all the time to please this man that kept backing off yet when we were together made me feel like i was the best thing in the world and so i became addicted.
We used to split up a lot over text messages and then make up a few days later this went on for 4 years, eventually on one of his birthdays after I paid for a night in an expensive hotel he picked a fight out of no where and left me there.... I was completely heartbroken, confused etc... after 3 months of him ignoring my messages he suddenly got in touch saying he was in love with someone else. I fell apart. I then decided to move on and met a lovely man who treated me properly and loved me, a kind decent man. Not long after this ex started contacting me again saying that he'd made a huge mistake, he loved me and that he was leaving the army so that we could be together, so I ended it with nice man and went back to him, again I thought my dreams had come true. He moved in last July and was lovely to begin with but within a few weeks started to talk about wanting his own place and slowly picking me apart. We had times which were so lovely, family holidays, talks of marriage, plans for the future and yet in between this he was being more and more verbally abusive to me and creating arguments out of nowhere, after which he'd say he was going to stay with his brother for a few days to get some space. The lead up to Christmas was horrible with constant arguing as when asked if he was spending it with me he said i was putting pressure on him! He eventually spent xmas day on his own whilst I saw my family.
the week after christmas was lovely again until the 30th Dec when again he was under pressure again, the last straw for me was when he pushed me away on New Years Eve after reaching for a hug and i told him to leave.
After he left I started packing his things and to be honest I felt good, relieved, until I discovered via his computer that 3 weeks after he moved in he arranged to have sex with someone he'd met on Facebook, he didn't even know her yet he destroyed everything for sex with a stranger, after going through everything I realised that every time he started an argument it was because he used it as an excuse to get away and see her! So when I kicked him out he had no where to go but to her after 8 nights of sex! I phoned her and she told me that she trusted him because he'd been so honest, yeah right! and that he was only with me until he'd found his own place an that they where happy together?! To me he denied even knowing her and said I was paranoid and needed help, I actually had to read back messages to him to get him to realise I'd found out, I told him I wanted his stuff gone immediately and he came and got it a few days later saying " You said you'd always love me, well that was a lie" and i found myself saying "i do love you I always will, but you've messed it all up".
Since then he's telling people that he walked out on me and that i was a needy and desperate women who needed help, he's even tried to claim that he was just with me because of poor health!
Since then we've had very little contact, she on the other hand has phoned me a couple of times saying she's had a missed call from me, which she hasn't but I suspect she doesn't know where he is and thinks he might be with me?! It saddens me to think she's going to go through the same thing, I tried to warn her but she believes that he's the one for her as we all have.
What I find so hard is I still miss him? WHY? surely everything was a lie, I don't want him back yet I have this need to know he did love me but even if he said he did I wouldn't
believe him, so why do I still have this need to feel loved by him. I stupidly keep sending him messages saying that I hope we can be friends one day, and that i hope he's happy and that I wish him love, thats the kind of person I am, but he does't reply.
You know I printed off all the 'how to get over a narcissist' stuff and highlighted all the relevant bits about 90% of it he saw it when he came to get his stuff and actually said he didn't need any help getting other me I've got my own books!!! He's that much of a narcissist that he thought it was for him!!!!
Please help me never contact him again, the peace loving hippy in me thinks we should always have love in our hearts, but I'll never get it from him and I want to be free to meet someone who can give it back tenfold! I know it's only been 6 weeks and it wouldn't be human to be over it yet but i really want to be.