shockandawe.some's story

....Am I crazy?

I will be 54 yo soon and feeling that there is something wrong with me. I appear to be confident on the outside, yet my history with men has been a disaster.

I was married for 33 years to a crazy man and always knew there was a problem with his mental state. He started fires when he was younger, had some run ins w/the law and was alcoholic. Addicted to porn for most of our marriage, very fake, angry, yet very successful in business and respected in the community. He attempted suicide by fire a few times. I kept telling myself "he could be worse" and justified everything with not wanting to lose our business and dysfunction our children through divorce. I finally had enough and made him leave 5 years ago. Things got very ugly after that. The divorce was 4 years of verbal & emotional abuse to me and our kids. During that 4 years I did not date or go out much but I had a peace about myself & enjoyed life.

When I began dating, the 1st few guys were losers. Then I met my XN BF. We met at a dance & it was love at first site for me. What is so ironic to me now is the very first conversation we had. It was very crowded. I was next to him and said "I think I'll stand by you for awhile". He asked why and I replied "you seem safe".

He was very handsome & charming & I was impressed that it took us 4 months to make love. Finally a guy who just didn't want to get in my pants! It seemed awkward for him but he had so many other great traits that I overlooked it. It was exciting, going to exotic places and having him available 24/7. He got along well with my family and I with his. We spent the winter months in a warm winter retreat.

He said he would do anything for me, never cheat on me. He said he loved me & began to talk about buying a winter home, moving in together, growing old together. We looked at houses and he bought the one that I had picked. He then suggested that he move in with me during the summer months at my house in the woods up north. I share it with my daughter & her BF. They both work and attend college full time, so the N and I were alone together all the time.

This winter I wasn't able to go to the sun home for business reasons. He left in early December and I would come in mid February just like the previous year. At first he'd call every day, then every other, then I noticed he hardly called. When I called him his vm came on or he was busy. He became distant and dismissive. Arrogant.

I would text him loving thoughts & he would ignore. Three weeks ago I asked him if he missed me and he said not really. I asked him if he was seeing someone else & he said he was dating online. I began to sob hysterically. I was devastated and told him I had to hang up. I phoned back. He didn't answer. I texted him. I don't understand. What did I do?

He says he thinks he MIGHT have loved me but things changed.

Three days later he sends me this e mail apologizing that he doesn't feel the same as me. He has a hard time expressing his feelings...always has. Says we weren't getting along b 4 he left. I slept in too late, cooked dinner too late, didn't watch the same tv shows as him. He didn't want to hurt my feelings or disappoint. He knew how much my mom & I wanted to come there.

He left all his stuff at my house including some expensive equipment, all his legal documents & keys to all his vehicles & homes. Plus a stack of "I might have loved u" cards & letters from him. I left my valuables at the winter home as well.

I have been NC since that awful phone call that night. I blocked him from FB, SKYPE & cell phone but can't block his e mails. He's e mailing me being so considerate & he understands that I don't want to talk, but can I acknowledge him?

I will need to respond in some way to make arrangements for the return of our things. I am wavering between feelings of complete heartache, outrage, disgust, humiliation, despair. I can't believe he could have led me on for a year and a half, lived in my home, fooled my family.

I had been doing so well until now. I took a trip with my mom which was the last place the N and I were b 4 he left. I didn't expect all of these feelings to come bubbling out, but EVERYTHING reminded me of him. I truly enjoyed my time with him and thought this was "the one". Now I feel like an old fool.

I know I did not deserve this but now I'm beginning to think that I am just as disordered as him. How could I have been so naive with all of these men. I am an intelligent successful woman and yet I feel so stupid.

Sorry this was so long. i have not vented since joining this blog. I thought I had it conquered.