this shall pass's story

I hope this time it's over for good..this pain is too much

Greetings and thanks to anyone who is taking the time to read my post. Last time I spent a long time writing and my message got erased so I took that as some sign that perhaps it was not the right time and place. All in due time, so here is my story. Truthfully I don't know where to start and the pain I feel when I know what my mind, heart and body have endured sometime seems too much to deal with. I really feel like I have been on the edge of sanity and barely making it with the person I have know, cared for and loved for years. I don't know if he would be classified as a narcissist or just a highly disturbed soul with abusive traits, whatever the case may be I just know people should not treat one another the way he treated me...

So we met a few years ago and I was in a relationship at the time. I was also struggling with a health challenge that left me almost paralyzed at some point but I managed to overcome with the person I got to know (N) I let him know about the man that I was dating but I was not strong enough or honest enough and I ended up engaging (N) for a short while, then we separated and I also left the person I was with at the time. I dealt with various relations that had their ups and downs only to bump into (N) again and reconnect. I liked him so much from the first time I got to know him but I always felt that there were red flag and things that just did not seem to make sense. He was very secretive, hardly ever shared anything with me about his whereabouts, place of residence and when we reconnected, at first it felt so nice and I felt like I was in love specially after having ended a relation with someone who was an alcoholic and abusive in different way. N did not smoke or drink and was very healthy and that made me even more attracted to him. One thing that bothered me at time is that he would never spend any money toward our outings or meals and I found myself often paying for both of us. It did not bother me at first and I figured I'm a working woman and make way more money that what is needed for myself so why not share and show my care in such a way...

Little did I know that all these red flags would come to show me how tormented this man is on the inside and how I was about to embark on a journey of pain and suffering going through and being used as the medium for him to lash out all anger, hatred and torment he must have inside. The first few months of our relation seemed nice but unstable and he would constantly threaten in a direct or indirect way to leave me. I would panic and rush to do whatever he wanted just so he would stay. I feel used in sooo many ways and I wish I stood up for myself. His demands grew and he would constantly criticize me and question my loyalty to him. He asked me to modify so many things about myself which bit by bit was making me lose myself and grow angry and resentful toward other women. He would ask me to not put any makeup or wear anything that showed my figure but he would constantly look and stare at women that did such and sometimes openly infront of me compliment them and on a few occasions exchange contact info with them. I would get upset and question his behaviour and he would say it was just to promore his business or he would say yes! he found them attractive but that I'm different and I should not have any make up or certain clothes because I "dont know how to carry myself" and I just want attention apparently and I'm not to be trusted. He constantly tore me down and berated me, always in private though. There were many times when I would dread going to outings or certain stores with him because he would compliment and be sooo pleasant to every woman in the store and then he would turn to me (mind you after me paying hundreds of dollars getting things he wanted) and criticise me and yell at me.
At first he would just yell at me and call me names. It would hurt me so much and the way he spoke to me felt like it was just done to destroy any sense of self confidence I ever had. I feel sometimes like I'm a shell of the cheerful, happy and vibrant woman I once was. Then he started shoving and pushing among other things. The first time it happened I was in shock and could not believe it. Sometimes he would start being nice to me right afterward only to start the cycle of abuse again. Some of the things he's done, I'm too shocked and embarrassed to even list here. I sometimes feel too horrible for letting myself put up with such behavior. He often suggested and doubted that I was involved with others in certain way even though I barely spoke to anyone and had no male friends (he made sure to not let me have any type of support and even some of my GFs became history)
He would sometimes question me to the point of driving me crazy and he would tell me that I said certain things (or made confessions about being with some man) and that now I'm lying and saying something else, it used to make me go crazy and I would feel like I'm being twisted on the inside and out. One time he sent me an email saying I'm not to be trusted and that he found that I posted my info on some site and he sent me the info in an email body (it was basically my name and mailing address and he said it was on World web!) when I said that was NOT true and to show me the site, he said he couldn't retrieve it again but that the bottom line is that I'm untrustworthy individual whore, slut, prostitute (common words he used to describe me)finally, when I was screaming and going crazy because I knew I didn't post such info, he said he found out that it was in his email directory and not on the web (how so?! and how can someone not know what is saved in his own directory versus what is posted on the world wide web!!)

I could go on forever about the things he said and did. It is too painful and I'm just in pain. I really tried many times to break the bond I have with him but I keep coming again, knowing darn well I'm only coming to get hurt, get used and then get tossed away and only picked up when there's no other attention or no other distraction in his life. I don't know how I can be attached to someone who put me through so much pain, humiliation and saw me go broke, leave a job with no money and did NOT offer help! I had to move to different places and struggled with no income after losing one job where I was making a lot every month and had none of it saved because of his constant draining (often when he would threaten to leave, he would say 1k or be gone! or 2k or be gone!) and I would panic and go and get what he wanted and withdraw even the last dollar just so I could convince him to not leave me. He would sometimes say he cared about me after I assist him or share resources with him, but then would default to the mean, harsh, non-compassionate person who would call me names and humiliate me.

What pains me the most is that people around me don't know what I'm going through. I have kept a lot of this stuff and more a secret and sometimes I feel like I'm going to blow up. There are times when I'm working and I have to step away because I feel tears coming down my eyes or feel rage building inside of me when I remember the things he said and did and I have to step away so I don't lose my livelihood and my sanity..

I hope that if you made it this far in reading my post that you would keep me in your positive thoughts and hope that I will have the strength to walk away. I stuck around thinking love heals all wounds, that I can love and support him just enough to make him realize that I'm a decent person, that I'm caring, nurturing and compassionate, yet I feel like I'm just hitting a wall every time...