Ophelia's story

Hello everybody, first let me say what an amazing site this is, and how heartening (and heartbreaking) it is to read the stories that you have shared. You've brought me to tears with your devastating accounts, but also I feel less alone and less insane now, so thank you.

I guess I should be grateful that my "relationship" lasted only about eight months. It started around last May and ended abruptly on December 27, 2011. I can't imagine what shape I'd be in if it had gone on as long as some of yours have--I salute each of your strength and courage.

Right now I feel as though I am withdrawing from heroin addiction and a sharp kick to the gut and chest area, this hurts so much.

I'm not a psychiatrist so can't diagnose my ex with certainty, but after googling in some of the events of what happened with us, I kept finding myself at sites to do with narcissism, devalue and discard, and after reading up, have come to the conclusion that he must be afflicted with some form of NPD.

He and I met online (Facebook) and it was largely a long-distance relationship (LDR) and we were looking for ways to bridge that gap, or so it seemed.

He is a musician and I had stumbled upon his album in December 2010, in which he sings a song that I found very comforting... I was just in the throes of divorcing my (calm, reliable, but emotionally unavailable) husband of 15 years, and this person's music got me through many a bleak night as I embarked on this heartbreaking journey of separation, divorce, and the uncertainty of what lay ahead. I found my (now exN) on Facebook in January 2011 and added him without really thinking much about it; I didn't know much about him and just liked his music. End of story. I didn't have a big crush on him nor was I stalking him.

The months passed and I barely took notice of him. But he, it seems noticed me, and he started to participate in some of the threads under articles I'd posted in the late winter/early spring. His comments were intelligent, and one in particular in which he stood up to someone who dismissed something I'd posted quite impressed me, so I emailed him privately and thanked him for doing that. We did seem to have a lot in common in the values department so his question, "Have we met before? In this life, I mean" made me smile but didn't strike me as odd. I made some flip comment and didn't think much more of it. But then as I checked out his profile and his website I realized we had quite a bit in common, the values and some of the far-away places that we had lived at around the same time, etc. (I can't go into too much detail), and I asked him about some of that and we struck up an email conversation that became quite involved, as we discussed our backgrounds and so on. We did seem to hit it off very well. Before long he was emailing me in the mornings to ask me what the weather here was like, and throughout the day, goofy little notes, photos of his pets and so on. I enjoyed the banter and regular attention, and then at the end of each day the longer emails in which we shared more about our histories and our lives. He asked me about my situation and I explained that I was going through a divorce and in no shape for a relationship at this time. He said he understood but was quite supportive, and offered some insight into relationship matters (ha ha).

This went on for a few weeks when out of the blue (bearing in mind that we hadn't met yet), he told me he loved me. He said he'd been around long enough (in his early 60s), was a big boy, knew what was important to him, and if I didn't want to reply in kind that was fine, but that was how he felt, and he was just getting it out there.

Now let me tell you that I was bowled over by this. Shocked, but also flattered. I told him I couldn't respond in kind because we hadn't even met yet, but let me tell you that after living for 15 years with a man who was like Spock in the emotion/passion department, this guy was everything I had dreamed about. He was passionate, sensitive, caring, exciting, attentive, and, although he was far away, was in CONSTANT communication with me. First thing in the morning and last thing at night and throughout the day the stream of notes. I loved it. I craved it. It was like nourishment being given to a starving person. He knew exactly what I needed. I felt more emotionally close to him than I did to my husband under the same roof. My exN once made a point of asking me (since I was irregular about it) to please send him something each morning because he needed to see that little red message flag waiting for him in Facebook when he woke up, it just made his day. So the constant communication became a very deeply ingrained habit. And then finally one day I told him I loved him too and he was so happy. So happy he wrote a song about me, which he recorded and included in a CD he released last year. We'd be having an online conversation about something or other and out of the blue he'd just say, "I need you." So direct, so passionate, he moved me to my core. I needed him too.

We started speaking on the phone and that was great too. I loved his voice, it is so beautiful, and it soothed me so. Our conversations were wonderful, he called me angel and baby and made me feel SO loved, cherished and adored. Everyone around me here said I'd changed, the most common comment was that I was "glowing". I certainly felt that way, as though I was walking on a cloud most of the time. I was happy that I had finally, after so many years of happiness, encountered my "soul mate".

I visited him for three weeks in September, and it was by and large three of the happiest weeks of my life. The first week we got off to a slow start, he seemed a little distant, he said he was so used to living alone that it was taking him time to get used to having someone in his space, But by the end of the first week we had really clicked and the next two weeks were wonderful. He had told all his friends and family about me, including his adult children (who live in another state). He went around telling everyone that I was "The One." They all agreed, they said we looked like a great match. He told me I was "the one". That I had everything he needed in a woman. He even laid out his finances and asked, if I were to take early retirement in a couple of years, if the two of us could make it on our combined income. I could even go back to school in his city, live with him while doing so, and start a second career in a vocation I had always dreamed of but never been able to realize (his suggestion). He even said that if it would help make it any easier in any way, to decide or logistically, he would marry me (I live in Canada, he is in the U.S.). It didn't strike me as odd at all. I was head over heels in love with him. He seemed to be with me, and in fact he emailed one of my girlfriends (who lives in the same city and said he would do anything to get me to stay, that he loved me so much). It felt as though the universe was saying, you've gone through so much loss, abandonment and emotional coldness in your relationships, here, finally, is someone who loves you deeply and with passion. At long last.

We even looked at some real estate listings to see what kind of place we might live in together if I came to stay. Or he said he could build an addition to the back of his house to make room for me. He said to be fair he wouldn't rule out the possibility of coming up here, although he hates the cold weather.So many plans and dreams.

In retrospect, I realize there was one little warning sign during that September visit, that, had I known about NPD I might have realized was a storm cloud on the horizon, which was that I contradicted or him on one occasion and he didn't appreciate it. He didn't go into a rage, but he said that he foresaw the potential for future strife if I was going to make a habit of it. That I needed to pick my battles and decide "if it was worth it". The thing, whatever it was, that I had said was so minor that I was somewhat bewildered. I said but honey there are times where I might offer a differing opinion or even make a gentle correction on something, but it's more by way of offering information rather than criticism. I'm just not that critical a person. He said "you just need to decide if it's worth it". I said but I'm going to do it inadvertently, (I'm inquisitive, expressive, a problem -solver by nature), and if there is information that I have that you appear not to I may choose to share it if I think you'd appreciate knowing. I said I'm worried that this could be a problem then. He said NOTHING you do could ever be THAT much of a problem. He told me I was PERFECT. He told me so many times that I was PERFECT and that I could do no wrong, nothing so wrong that would cause a problem for the relationship. I said I am not perfect, don't put me on a pedestal please because I do have flaws and you need to be able to love me with my flaws. He said your flaws are miniscule blah blah blah and would never be a problem for me.

So with sadness in my heart my vacation ended and I returned home after three weeks and we spent the intervening time counting the days until my December visit, talking on the phone every night, and emailing each other throughout the day.

He was quite insistent about our evening phone calls too. "I need to hear your voice even if it's only for five minutes". So we made those calls come hell or high water. But then one day I'd had a particularly exhausting day at work and together with some stuff with the divorce, so when he texted me to ask if I was up to a call that night (we would always text first and then set up in Skype phone), I said actually I'm really beat and don't have much in me conversation-wise so could we talk tomorrow? He didn't say much, but then put his Skype status as "away" which was a first, and I hardly heard from him at all the next day (unusual). Then the next night on the phone he said that he was really upset because I wouldn't talk on the phone the last night and please don't do that again, it's all we have. I promised that it wouldn't happen again.

Weeks later, he went out with friends for dinner and a late movie and didn't get home until late. I had been texting and emailing to ask where he was, that we were long overdue for our call, and I was getting worried. About three hours after our usual time he got in touch (after he'd gotten out of the theatre and into the car) and he apologized but said he was out with friends. I was a little upset because these calls supposedly meant so much to him and they had come to mean a lot to me and suddenly he was being so casual about the call that night. I started to feel a little insecure but he told me I worry too much.

(I will say that I do not believe he was seeing another woman, he was busy with his work and I know who he was with for dinner and movie)

Then some time later was one morning when he didn't send me his daily morning greeting and it really threw me off balance. By that point it had become such a ritual that when he didn't do it it started the day off on a bad note. I told him later that night (he could tell on the phone that something wasn't right. "Talk to me," he'd say. Oh how I loved how intuitive and empathetic he seemed to be). I explained about the missing morning greeting and he said but you know I love you, it's just a small thing, I got busy and wasn't able to today. We don't want to turn it into a chore, do we? This from the man who had asked me to make a routine of doing this every day. I said that as long as we were LDR these little rituals and routines were the foundation of our relationship and it was important that we be consistent about them. He agreed and promised it wouldn't happen again.

I remember also that in one of our evening phone calls I teased him (VERY gently, with extremely good humour) about something and we got into another one of those conversations. He really took umbrage and did his "you have to ask yourself IS IT WORTH IT" speech. I said but I was just having fun, and I would never have expected such a reaction from you over something so tiny. It turned into a protracted 20 minute discussion about whether to make comments or corrections. I said look from now on if I hear you say anything wrong or mistaken I'll just keep silent if it upsets you that much. He said it wasn't necessary to go to extreme but you just need to ask yourself if it's worth it.

I'll cut to the chase...this is so long...our LDR continued from October until my December visit and I was sooooo excited to see him again. He picked me up at the airport on Dec 23 and everything seemed fine. We got through the 25th okay but by the 26th something seemed off. I really can't get into the specifics too much, let's just say I expressed concern about something he was eating, particularly as it affected a recently-developing health issue he was diagnosed with. Well that pretty well was the kiss of death. It kept coming up over and over again and he raised it at least as often as I did. It seemed to trouble him that I was suggesting that he wasn't doing everything perfectly. He kept saying I was judging him. I said any issue I have with what you're eating is not a judgment, I am just worried about what possible impact it could have on your condition. I am concerned, I care. He kept saying "I'm not perfect, I'm not perfect" I said honey I know you aren't and I love you as you are. I'm not perfect either. Him shaking his head. We had a bad argument in the car on the afternoon of the 27th, he had raised this trivial topic again, but saying I was judging him, even though I didn't raise it. He said I know you're judging me even when you aren't saying anything. I begged him to not put words into my mouth when I'm not saying them, it's hard enough being understood when I'm just speaking. By then I was crying. We went for a walk in the park and the look on his face--he looked cold, aloof, distant. He criticized me for walking too fast. By then it felt like he was looking for an excuse to dump me. I was choking back tears. I didn't understand what was happening, he had grown so cold. We walked and walked and talked about birds and the buildings in the park and so on but something wasn't right. I thought we just needed some cooling down time. We came back to the house and had supper. Over candlelight we both looked at each other, we must have been gazing for about five minutes. It felt beautiful. He was smiling, I was smiling. "We're okay" I thought. We'll be okay. I so love this man. Then we watched a movie on the couch. After the movie we sat beside each other in the candlelight for many minutes, holding hands. Then he said, "I've changed, haven't I." I turned and said, "Why don't you tell me what's going on?". He said "This isn't working for me."

At which point I freaked. The words felt like a dagger in my heart. What do you mean??? I already knew though. He said, "I'm very clear in my mind that this won't work for me." I said, when did you come to this conclusion? He said, the last couple of days. "The last couple of DAYS??" I said we haven't even talked! You haven't even tried! We have to try! How can you do this??" He said he has been trying and it just won't work. Anyway it was a living nightmare. I think at some point I was doubled over and sobbing. I won't relive every moment except to say that I called my girlfriend and asked her to pick me up (he said that wasn't necessary but I said oh yes it was), which she did and brought me to her place where I had to wait until January 2 until my flight back home. A couple of days later I emailed him, asked to see him before I left, but he refused. He said he thought it wasn't a good idea and wouldn't accomplish anything etc. I had travelled a huge distance, just to be with him, was stuck in that city for days, an emotional wreck, after all that we had built and shared and talked about and all the love that we had made he wouldn't see me once before I left, possibly forever?? Needless to say New Year's eve was a nightmare and I spent the rest of my time in that city feeling like an abandoned emotional wreck.

We had some halting communication once I returned home. He finally wrote me an email letter a couple of weeks ago in which he basically said that he doesn't think that he can ever let anyone close enough into his life to the degree that is required to have a healthy and growing relationship. That he fought that with me and lost and hurt me terribly in the process. That he never wants to do that to anyone ever again. It really does seem as though he had foreknowledge that this could happen but decided to just leap in and play with my heart anyway.

Maybe he craved a close relationship and that's fair enough but it does look like he knew something about himself that I did not and I feel that is so unfair. He pursued me quite insistently and wove his way into my life, into every pore of my being, and then just did a complete about face. I felt emotionally raped and abandoned by him. I had so much love to give him but he just pulled up his drawbridge, put up his walls and banished me.

(It's funny, I remember when I was visiting he referred to one of his ex-girlfriends as a "discarded" girlfriend--wow--if ONLY I had known about NPD at the time, this would have raised all sorts of flags. I thought he was just being wry but I think he knew exactly what he meant.)

Anyhow his letter said we need to take a break to "heal" and then find a new way of being in each other's lives. Earlier in another message he had said we both love and cherish each other too much to disappear from each other's life (I had been asking him to please not let our relationship just disappear) that we'll just have to find a new way of being. But that he needs to face his health and other challenges (work-related) alone. Told me to take good care of myself. That I deserved it. No baby, no angel, no more terms of endearment. Cold as ice.

I did not reply to that. I bundled up a variety of gifts etc. he had given me into a box and mailed them back to him without a letter, he probably got that about a week ago.

I spent most of January in extreme withdrawal. From receiving cherishing, loving communications and being his angel, angel face and baby, to dead silence. It's been hell. When I met up with friends in early January and hugged them in greeting the first thing they would say is "You're shaking". And it's true, I spent the first couple of weeks shaking like a leaf. The grief has been overwhelming. To be cut off like this is more pain than I ever expected from any ended relationship.They've all ended amicably, including with the husband I'm divorcing. I've lost weight, I've had nightmares, I wake up with panic and anxiety, and, almost six weeks after the fateful night I'm still having crying jags.

I'm getting counseling, and pharmaceuticals, and thank goodness my managers are work are understanding about the number of work days I've missed.

But this feeling of emotional rape is so ugly. I feel eviscerated. I have such conflicting feelings about him. I love him and miss him and the things we really did share, it's hard to find people with the same set of beliefs and values, especially men. I worry about his health issues too. Oh how I miss him. And I don't understand how he can just dispense with me like this.

With all the work I've been doing on this, with every step I take to distance myself from him, I feel …more distant from him! I should feel proud of myself and to some extent I do, but still--it upsets me! That I am becoming more distant from the man I loved! Which I need to do, but it hurts to do so. Go figure! My success is stressing me out! But what are my options? Keep clinging to what, hope? Hope for what?

The thought that I may never hear from him again or see him again turns my stomach, after everything we shared, how could that be? How could we never communicate again? But it could very well turn out that way. But even if he did reach out, could we ever be friends? How can I be friends with someone I loved so deeply and who cut me off so callously and wouldn't even see me once before I left town?

Some days are better than others, but then often when I have a good day, I'll end up dreaming about him all night, over and over again. And there are so many triggers everywhere, the things we talked about and did together, even though we're in different cities there are so many reminders that I see or hear that throw me into a panic. I can't listen to the radio these days or much music except classical because the stress is too high. My therapist says it's a form of trauma.

I think it's going to be months before I feel "well" again.

And that is my story. Sorry about the length.