Lily's story

A little over ten years ago, is when the nightmare began. Only back then, it felt like dream.
We all know how it starts. He comes along..... charming, intelligent, witty....all the things we are.....or so we thought.
Life goes by in a haze. Almost narcotic?. Too good to be true? Nah!... Ive just been lucky! Its about time! Everythings fine, he treats me like a princess, gets on well with my children, my family, my friends ( well, some of them) He even wants to marry me!
Its not a delicate haze anymore, its more of a hurricane! Helping him sell his house (I was so much better at decorating than him apparently), a wedding to organise pretty much by myself ( girls enjoy that kind of thing, so I was told) selling my house too ( apparently I lived in a rough neighbourhood!) so that we could buy a place together, and start our wonderful life together. He even bought me a car, because mine was unreliable, and because he was getting a promotion..."a managers wife cant be seen in an old banger!"
And then came the bomb....
After making my views on children quite clear from the start,( I already have two beautiful teenage daughters, and didnt want any more) a few months before the wedding, he came home from work in a strange mood. Almost tearful. Panicking,that some family member had fallen ill...or worse...I begged him to tell me what was wrong. Finally, I got an answer. " I want to have children" he said!
"But...but..but...we talked about this...and you were fine with it!" you said "you only wanted me and the girls!"
"Yes....well....Ive changed my mind!"
You could have hit me in the face with a brick right then, and I wouldnt have felt a thing! Shock was an understatement. But there was more. Instead of what I was expecting, which was the whole " Im leaving to sow my wild oats blah blah blah" He blindsided me again..."but I want to have children with YOU!!!!!"
After the shock subsided..... both of them, we talked....we argued...we argued a lot.....he didnt speak to me for weeks. But I DID NOT GIVE IN. He wasnt happy. But a compromise was reached, and a while later......we got two dogs.
Yes, I know, those little red flags can scream at you in retrospect cant they.
So, the hurricane ceased. We got married. Had a beautiful day, although I didnt see much of my new husband that day, as he was at the bar with his friends for most of it. Then a lovely honeymoon. Well, I tried to make the best of it, soaking up the sun, swimming, and wandering along the beach on my own while he read all six books that he had brought with him. We were only away for ten days! but he loved reading, and I could live with that.
Back home, and finally in our new home, I was getting busier. Working longer hours, as he was, just to make ends meet and pay the mortgage. I was also busy decorating and making home improvements so we could sell the place in a few years, and climb the property ladder.
He was no help at home, the computer took up all of his spare time. Football games, music, and online poker was his life now. Home improvements were boring him, in fact, eveything to do with the house, or me for that matter, or the kids, or the dogs, was obviously too much for him. Unless it was a sunday, when the girls went to their dads. Then we could go for "a nice day out with my lovely wife" Every other day of the week I was "a nagging old cow"
Patience,which is a much treasured virtue of mine, was wearing thin by the time we had been married a year. I knew something wasnt right. He had changed. Or had I? he told me often enough I had. we were arguing lots more. Every time we did it seemed to be my fault, even when I KNEW it wasnt. But he just had a way with words, the salesman to the core. I didnt know what was what half the time. My girls always said it was his fault, but theyre my girls. They even started to say they didnt like him anymore. But that was just because we were constantly arguing...surely?
And so it went on, the arguments and the sulking, the computer games, and now the gambling was getting worse. Credit cards were appearing and disappearing, money was disappearing at an alarming rate, while me and the girls were a single parent family again....poor again, and every time I tried to talk about it...."stop nagging" was the reply,if I got one at all.
Now, I happen to to have a very inquisitive mind. I need to know how things work. Why? is still an important question to me, and the answers I was getting from hubby, just werent good enough. I had to find out what was going on. Google has always been good to me. It doesnt often lie, unlike my husband.
First I had to find out what was on his computer, and Google, reliable as ever, found me a keylogger. Now, for those who dont know, a keylogger is a virtual spy. Once installed on the hubbys computer, It will work for YOU, silently and hidden from view, logging every keystroke typed, website visited, and even recording instant messaging, all in secret, until you type in a secret password, and then you can access all the info it has gathered for you. An essential weapon against a narc in my opinion.
I was hoping to find evidence of his gambling, which I did. All useful stuff for the divorce that I was sure was coming. What I didnt expect to find was the vast amount of porn he had been looking at, and "oh my god, theyre the same age as my girls! Yuck!"
Shocked beyond belief again. Why????? ........Google! ..... While Im there...."why does my husband ignore me for weeks?" ......and then "what the hell is Narcissism??" much Googling followed.
And so did the divorce that I wanted, only I kept that quiet for a while, planning is the key, all the NPD sites agree. so I planned, I saved, I wanted to get us away before he could do any more damage.
Only I was too late. He must have smelled a rat. His victim was getting resilllient, the put downs werent getting to her anymore, the sulking didnt work anymore. She just doesnt give a shit.
Time to up the game maybe.
Definitely.
One day, my eldest came to me and said she had caught my husband looking through the bathroom keyhole when she had got out of the shower.
Theres that feeling again, you know, when your whole world disintegrates, only youve felt that so many times, isnt it meant to get easier?? Nah! not with a narcissist.
Then my youngest came to me with the same problem.
What the F**K do you do?? Talk to him??? Yeah right, like thats gonna work things out!
Google...again.
A little bit of free software....a cunning plan....a webcam hidden inside of a cola can......and we have a rat trap!
And it worked! within a day or so, i had sickeningly caught the little S**T looking through BOTH my girls keyholes, when they were getting changed. A few days of shock followed. a lot of being physically sick. The desperate urge to kill the person that has abused your children was somehow quietened, and I went to the police with the evidence.
He was arrested that night. Held in custody for 20 hours and then bailed to his parents, many miles away with the conditions that he doesnt come anywhere near us, or contact us.
We could breathe again.
We got our lives back, our home felt like a home again, we could see friends, go out, have fun, I filed for divorce! Oh my god, it was wonderful.
NEVER EVER UNDERESTIMATE THE POWER OF A NARCISSIST.
Or the sheer ignorance of the crown prosecution service.
Yep, you guessed it. He managed to lie his way out of it. The CPS dropped the charges as he had no previous convictions. Thats what they said anyway. And they had the gall to tell me because he had no previous, " he is a man of good character! WTF??????
Meanwhile, this man of good character has, sent his father to give me abuse, has decided to stop paying for everything, including his dogs vets bills, is getting my car reposessed, has filed civil actions against me for finances, all while im only working part time and on benefits, and trying to put my children through college, and counselling.
And so it continues.
I am currently still waiting for him to sign the divorce petition, four months I have been waiting. All the while he is deliberately trying to make my life difficult, to punish me for getting him arrested, and succeeding sometimes. All without a sniff of guilt for what he has done. But in his world, he hasnt done anything wrong, children are there to be used and abused, Hell, in his world, he never did it anyway...I was making it up!!
BUT, I know what I saw on that webcam, I know he is a sick son of a bitch, and I am hoping Karma is gonna get him oneday. I know one day I will be divorced, and I know I have two beautiful daughters whom I am proud of. I also know that I am so much better than him as I have a whole range of human emotions, whereas he can only pretend.
So, to tie this whole mess up...a dear john....short and sweet....a quote from the film Bad Santa!
"you are an emotional cripple...your soul is dogshit!"