fearlessfemale's story

Ok...here it goes!

It’s difficult to condense seven years to a short story but here goes.
We met through our jobs…I worked for the newspaper, he was a police officer, our paths crossed frequently. We got to know each other through time spent during community events, or me covering an accident or something else newsworthy. We became friends. Naturally as time went by we found out
more and more about each other…me telling him I was a single parent, not in a relationship because I had been hurt badly and abandoned, and really at this point just wanted to focus on my son and being a good mom plus the fact and most importantly I couldn’t TRUST anyone. He would always make sure he gave me a compliment of sorts each time we would see each other and would insist he couldn’t figure out how I had not been “snatched up by someone”. We flirted a lot…casually at first.
He was married 20+ years had a daughter, good family man, deacon of a church for many years, high-ranking police officer and well respected in the community. He had made a mistake, ONE TIME, early in his career by getting involved with an informant. This had been printed in the paper and I felt if his wife, family, friends and coworkers had forgiven him for this public humiliation, he must be a pretty good guy. He would make a point to tell me he screwed up and was now paying for it. His owning up to this was ADMIRABLE (exactly why he mentioned it.) His relationship at home was one of convenience. He accepted the fact he would be punished for his acts by no longer having any type of intimate companionship from his wife. She was no longer going to provide this for him. (Playing on my sympathy) They lived together as roommates for the sake of their daughter and to appear happy to church, family, and community. He would get defensive when I would ask him why they didn’t seek counseling or just divorce since they no longer wanted each other. He said it was never going to change and he had simply accepted it and the subject was closed. He promised to stay married, be faithful, end of story.
I felt sorry for him (and for her, really)…no more intimacy for the rest of their marriage, however long that may be. Anyway, I found him to be TRUSTWORTHY through all of this confessing and information he had confided in me so freely. I also felt special because he had trusted in me enough to be so open.
He kept pursuing me with little gestures, compliments, etc. I stood my grounds though…he was married and one of my boundaries was to stay away from married men…it simply was just not the right to get involved. We continued our friendship and casual innocent flirting.
I started dating one of my coworkers who was getting over the loss of his wife who died from cancer. I had always thought he was the most loving person…once when his wife was going through chemo he shaved his head so she wouldn’t feel so bad losing her own hair. What a show of affection, I thought. My relationship with this guy didn’t last long…just a couple of months. He was an alcoholic and became worse trying to deal with the loss of his wife. I couldn’t compete with his love for her and tried to get him help through AA. He did well for a while but would fall off the wagon and drink uncontrollably. I finally had to end our relationship out of concern and safety of my son. A month after ending our relationship, he shot and killed himself. I was understandably distraught, felt blame, hurt, and once again abandoned by someone who cared for me and me for them. He couldn’t bare living without his wife….There is so much more to this but I will try to stay on topic…
THIS TIMING…me being in distress, was the idea time for XNarc to make his move. I was so vulnerable, confused, in pain, and needed comforting. XNarc Hero to the rescue! He swooped in and took care of me. Coming to the funeral home while on duty and stayed with me for hours. Weeks after he would come by my work to make sure I was ok and to just give me a hug, etc. Let me just say he is one of the most patient and scheming people I’ve ever known.
Time goes by and now he decides to start a community class to educate the public on the duties of a police officer. 8 weeks of meeting one night a week to tell all about their heroics and how they have to put their lives on the line. I get this and do respect it, not belittling their efforts at all. But his goal and sole purpose was to gain as much admiration and supply as he could. Things at this point were getting bad at home and he didn’t have very much attention so why not create your own audience of adoring bystanders. Of course, he calls me to see if I will be the first student to sign up and I say sure…great idea. By the 3rd week he made his move and kissed me one night. Of course, he calls me later that night and apologies. I asked him what happened to him being faithful to his wife and he tells me things had changed at home. He and his wife had “an understanding”. It was unfair of them to expect the other to be without intimacy and it was ok to seek it elsewhere if they were discreet. He pursued me full force.
The fireworks started….all the “woman of my dreams, most wonderful person in the world, soul mate, God put us on earth for the sole purpose of being together, everything with you feels so natural”….blah, blah, blah, lines were coming at me from all directions. He showered me with so much attention I barely could come up to breathe. He eventually confessed his love for me and made countless promises including the infamous “I’ll never take you for granted”…HE BROKE EVERY PROMISE AND EVERYTHING HE EVER SAID TO ME WAS A LIE!
All the standard narcissistic traits came out…each and every one. I did not know what a narcissist was at this point and stayed in a constant state of confusion throughout our relationship. Through each month I would find out about all the other women…lots of other women. I was so hooked and had so little self-esteem left I would forgive him. STUPID-STUPID-STUPID! We had broken up and got back together countless times.
The last year of our relationship proved the most devastating for me. I totally gave in. He tortured me with withdrawing except to come to my house and eat my food, watch me suffering with anxiety and attacks on my skin due to stress. He gave me the silent treatment, ignored my calls, etc. My blood pressure had skyrocketed, my health failing, all the while I was wondering what I had done so wrong that he wouldn’t show me the least bit of affection. He would barely touch me at all. The only hope he would give me was telling me he was still there, he loved me and would never leave me. This was his way to confuse me and create total self-doubt and keep me hooked with as little energy as possible. He said we were going to be just fine…just give it some time. Of course I wondered also if there was someone else…this infuriated him when I would even slightly suggest it. He’d yell at me saying: “I am so tired of being accused of having someone else…you make me seem like I’m some kind of monster!” He was truly enjoying watching me wither away.
He was in fact with someone else for the last two years of our relationship…he didn’t touch me anymore because he had to save his energy for her. I HATE HIM FOR WHAT HE HAS DONE TO ME. WHAT HE HAS TAKEN FROM ME. The final D&D was Thanksgiving night. I had found out about OW on twitter from post he made to her…confronted him…he in an instant turned everything around on me. Not one apology, not any explanation or admitting of fault for his actions, refused to come and see me unless of course he could bring her along. I told him he would not hide behind her skirt tail nor was he going to feed his ego by rubbing her in my face. He was the one that did this to me and only he needed to show up and explain/apologize/etc. He simply told me he didn’t ever want to see me again, not to call him or talk to him anymore, he was with OW now and he loved her dearly. I had been thrown away like a tissue…it was as if I was talking to a total stranger and truly was the most devastating and shocking experience of my life. Realizing I knew everything he had no further use for me…he knew at this point I was not going to supply him anymore.
I wanted to die to make the pain go away. I’m glad I didn’t die. I will get over this and survive the trauma of this poison person. Right now I am trying to gain self-forgiveness for allowing myself to get sucked in by this evil, ill man.
I have learned and will take away from this horrible experience:
I will never let down my personal moral boundary for any man ever again. This isn’t necessarily for the prevention of getting involved with a narcissist but more in keeping up my self-esteem, self-worth therefore making myself less vulnerable to possible attacks from these evils.
I will TRUST my own gut feeling first and foremost from now own.
I will acknowledge any and all red flags and give them their due.
My life is MINE and I will no longer allow anyone to take one second of my time on this earth away from me ever again. I will educate myself about narcissists to the point I can pick one out in a crowd blindfolded. I do not ever want to feel this type of pain again. It is my responsibility to protect myself and I am going to do this by arming myself with all the knowledge and understanding I possibly can.
-fefe