WhiteSwan44 - story continued

I'm home from work today with a stupid cold and it has given me time to reflect on the last 8 years of my life with exN.

I started my story and posted it but I realized I didn't come near to telling all the transpired in the 8 years of hell I endured with assclown.

I met JP at a time in my life when I really wasn't looking for a relationship. For me, however, it was love at first sight. He expressed the same sentiment. He would often say that we were a "power couple". He loved the attention we got as a couple. I realize now, after many months of reflection, that he USED me to appear normal to the outside world. We dated for 18 months before we married (in 2005). While we were dating, he was the model boyfriend. He would buy me flowers, thoughtful gifts, and he treated my two daughters with lots of love and kindness. I was in heaven - I thought, "wow I finally met the man of my dreams." My family loved him. He was handsome, owned his own business, kind, thoughtful, attentive and just an all around great guy. I would soon find out what a serioiusly disordered freak he really was. Although I will give him extra credit points for being a damn fine actor!

Here are some red flags I encountered during our time together (not in any particular order, just have to get them out):

*Talked about and to his mother like she was a second class citizen. He would often refer to his mom as being "naive" and he would get a certain tone in his voice when he talked to her - very condescending - and later in our relationship he would take on the exact same tone when talking with me.

*One time, during one of his rants, he told me that women had too much power in the world. He said that men needed to take back power because everything was geared toward a "lesser class" (i.e. women). He even told me once that our relationship would have been better if I had sons instead of daughters (wtf!). He said he had been surrounded by women all his life (he has 4 sisters and a daughter) and that he was tired of having to "deal" with a "sappy class of people". What a bunch of total rubbish!

*He told me that he had always had problems sleeping at night and that us being in HIS HOUSE (uh, ok, we were married at the time and my name was on the house too) was very disruptive to his mental well being. He was downright cruel. We were told not to come in the front door because it might disrupt him if he were sleeping - didn't matter what time of the day it was - we were to use the back door. Once he locked all the outside screen doors and left a note for the girls that read, "do not enter - man of the house is sleeping". This was at 2:30 in the afternoon. The girls were just getting home from school and had no idea what to do! Total whack job!

*He masturbated (sorry for being so graphic) all the time. He stated that he saw a report that said men should jack off at least once or twice daily because it was good for their health! Oh and the porn! I found DVD's that he would write innocent things on like, "hockey tryouts" and then when I put the DVD on it was a "black chick on black chick" (no offense to anyone).

*He was very graphic on what he wanted to do with me sexually. I'm not a prude at all, in fact I like sex very much. But the things he wanted me to do were just crazy. He told me the best present I could ever give him was to have sex with another woman and let him watch. In fact, he even suggested a couple of my girlfriends with whom he'd like to see me do it. He also brought home a magazine he picked up that had advertisements for transvestites (I think that's how you spell it) and he wanted to call one of them up (based on his/her picture) and have him/her come over and "service both of us". Ewww. He also befriended an African American guy at one of his local bar hangouts. He introduced me to the man when I stopped up to see him there once and then afterward told me that he and that guy decided that it would be great to have this guy f*ck me and let him watch. Eww again!

*The rages!! The last year and a half of our marriage I became a nervous wreck. I was always shaking (many family and friends noticed) and I was walking on eggshells ALL OF THE TIME. If I expressed even an opinion or preference of my own, he would take it as a personal attack. He would tell me that I didn't know what I was talking about - I was just stupid, insecure, and good for only one thing. It got to the point that I started drinking after work almost daily just to keep my mouth shut. I was afraid to say anything at all - I just numbed myself, went to bed, got up and started all over again. My sanity and health were at risk. I gained well over 35 lbs during the course of our relationship (I'm happy to say that I've since lost 28 lbs of it).

*The gambling. Early in our relationship, we went to one of the area's casinos. Apparently, he had never been to one so I thought it would be a fun outing. That was the start of something entirely new for him. He was hooked. It got to be so bad that he would start a fight with me so he could rage, leave and not answer his phone. We all got smart to what he was doing. He would go down to the casino. He sometimes would say he was working (remember he owns his own business) and I would call him for something, not hear back from him, and the next thing I know he's calling hours later and he had that tone in his voice - like he had been drinking. He would come home after I got off work and I could just smell the casino on him. From what I know now, he dipped into almost all of his retirement funds and he is up to his ears in gambling debt.

*The drinking. He loved going to the bar and being with the "guys" (remember the poor soul was surrounded by all of us "women"). At first I was ok with it - he always got off work before me so no harm done. But it got to the point where he would stay later and later and by the time he got home 1) he shouldn't have driven home, and 2) he was for the most part a total dick. Whenever I questioned him about it, he would tell me that it was my fault and to leave him the F alone. It was my fault because I had two daughters and no sons for him to bond with. It was my fault because I worked later than him. It was my fault because I liked to read and where did that leave him? As with everything, his drinking was my fault.

*The jealousy. He admitted to me on more than one occasion that he was jealous of my relationship with my daughters. He told me that he wished I were his "mommy". He didn't like it at all when I attended Board meetings for their sports and, as most moms do, I became involved in their activities. Well, as you can guess, this took time away from HIM. Whereas during the "courting" period of our relationship he attended sporting events with me, during the last several years he refused to attend. He stated that he hated seeing all the suburbanite a**hole parents coddling all these young people. He even hated the coaches. He made up nicknames for them - very derogatory nicknames. So, prince charming turned into prince d*ckhead. While I was attending these functions, guess where he was? Yep, either the bar or the casino.

OK, so where I am now...I moved out of HIS HOUSE last May. We are currently in the midst of a divorce. It will be final on February 14th (Valentine's Day, how ironic).

While it all seems so far away now, I sobbed the day I moved out. I was a wreck for the first couple of months. I could barely eat or sleep. I haven't posted much on this site because I have had contact with him. At first I couldn't get it through my thick head that this man was deranged and a narc. I kept questioning myself and thinking, "maybe it wasn't as bad as you made it out to be". Actually that was his voice coming back to me. Because when I moved out, he told me I was a "typical" female who overdramatizes everything and that me and my girls made "mountains out of molehills" just like we always do.

Bullshit, all of it. Now he tells me he wants to be my friend! He said that he lost the LOVE OF HIS LIFE and if all I can offer him now is friendship than he'll take what he can get. This man still gets to me and I hate that I let it happen.

February 14th is my liberation day. Once the divorce is final, I want nothing at all to do with him anymore. I realize that NC is the only way to go. I no longer want to wonder what narc boy is doing and with whom he's doing it.

Another thing I need to work on is thinking that he'll find someone better and nicer than me. I have to get that out of my head.

I still have no desire whatsoever to date again. My stomach is in knots just thinking of the prospect. I'm afraid that I'll never trust anyone again in my life and I'm paranoid about meeting another narc who will fool me so well like the last one.

Thanks for reading my story. I am forever indebted to this website, and I am going to donate whatever and whenever I can to help keep it going. I don't know what I would have done, especially earlier on, without the wonderful advice, wisdom, and stories I've read to help me along with processing all that I've been through.