Is it cruel to tell the N

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#1 Feb 3 - 11AM
monilove
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Is it cruel to tell the N

that you are not in love with him anymore. I'm really not and yet because of my actions (I keep coming back for more abuse) I'm sure that I am sending signals that I do still care or do still love him. I want and need this to end, yet I am concerned of the impact it will have on him when I tell him "I truly no longer love you". I know, I know.... why should I care about his feelings, when he clearly doesn't care about mine. I'm just a soft-hearted person and it is difficult for me to assert myself and stand my ground with him. Not only do I not love him, I intensely dislike, borderline despise him and am starting to drift away emotionally, but I can't get up the courage to say "look buddy, you're done and I can't stand you anymore. Also, underlying is the fear of me feeling lonely without the asshole by my side to drive me to the brink of a nervous breakdown on a daily basis!

Feb 4 - 3PM
dulcinea441
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Cruel? No. Dangerous? Yes.

Cruel? No. Dangerous? Yes. Telling him this will not wound him in the traditional sense of human suffering, but it may well spark a narcissistic rage that results in brutal retaliation. Remember what you know well -- you are not dealing with a loving, compassionate, or remorseful human being. You are dealing with a psychopath.
Feb 4 - 2PM
agnesmurphy17
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What happened to me.

I was married to my N & we owned a house. I knew I had to get out. I had a place to go. I didn't realize at the time the true nature of his narcissism & psychopathy. I didn't really know then how twisted he was & that he really is a psychopath. (Meeting his first ex-wife & the woman who replaced me -- comparing his stories revealed that almost everything he says about his personal history is a lie.) But I knew he was abusive to me & I was leaving. Anyhow. He didn't want the marriage to end. He became very fragmented & disorganized. In order to end all discussions about saving the marriage, going into therapy, all the changing he would do -- I simply said: "I am no longer in love with you. It's over. There's no us & nothing to discuss." (I realized that he was never going to change & there was no point telling him that he was abusive. Actually, he told people that I was abusive to him!) Well, I learned that he used this line of mine get get sympathy from other women. Weeping that I just stopped loving him & he didn't know why. He was so devastated. (However, he kept it a secret that he started with a New Woman the day before I left. From the first day they were inspearable. And that this NW moved into the house I still owned before I even moved my stuff out. SHe moved in 4 months to the day I left him. They don't care. If you want to get away -- then go. I had very little with him after I left. I regret the little I had because virtually everything out of his mouth was a lie or a manipulation. Weeping about my cruel abandonment & his recovery after what I did to him & his need for psychotherapy. He hit the send button & probably went into the bedroom & had sex with his NW. Any interaction with a narcissist is a waste of precious time.
Feb 4 - 11PM (Reply to #15)
foreverfun1
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agnes

"Any interaction with a narcissist is a waste of precious time" that really says it all! that line is another keeper like, hunter's contact=pain line.
Feb 4 - 2PM
Journey
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Monilove, reading through the

Monilove, reading through the comments and your responses in this thread, it strikes me that this isn't about how it could hurt him and not wanting to at all, but only about how it will affect your need to keep him close and your fear you will lose what he gives you - even if it is negative. You say you keep going back out of fear of the loneliness you THINK you will feel of being alone (essentially), but that fear will follow you to the grave if you don't learn how to conquer it. It is never going to lead you into a healthy relationship - EVER, for you will always let yourself settle for unhealthy in order to avoid being alone, since emotionally healthy people will sense this fear and that will scare THEM. Please seek some therapy. I have a friend who is still with a screwed up, sometimes emotionally abusive man (not a narc), who she's tried off and on to end it with for the past 2+ years. She is restless without someone, she always goes back and ends up getting hurt over and over but is too 'lost' without having someone else to focus on and just be on her own. It is difficult to watch. When she does break free for a week, two weeks... she is SO MUCH HAPPIER, but then that restless panic sets in and she breaks down and goes back. I cannot stress how much better you will feel when you find the courage to deal with this. Sure, it is sad and lonely sometimes being without, but really, the emotional freedom makes up for it a hundred times over!! In your case, him being a narc makes it doubly important that you find a way to get tough about this - for yourself! Personally, your telling him sounds like a way to try to manipulate him into giving you what you are subconsciously really wanting - freedom from this fear by allowing HIM to call all the shots when he discards you. It's time for YOU to realize you don't need him to end the torment you feel with him. You CAN find the strength to take control of YOUR behavior and STOP this yourself by walking away and staying away. This positive action on your part will feed your courage and you will find a whole new peace inside that will be the start of a happier, more fulfilled you - even when you feel lonely. Believe it!

Journey on...

Feb 3 - 4PM
laxl
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The mistake we make...

Monilove, I think the mistake that people like us make is we think that N's will feel/act like us. Like it would hurt us to be told someone doesn't love us... so we think it would hurt the N. Or we enjoy doing nice things for other people, so we think that the N would like to do nice things for us. Or we dont CHEAT or LIE, so we think they won't CHEAT or LIE. Right??? But the rules we follow... they don't. The things we value... they don't. The things we feel... they don't. The values we have... they don't. Once this started sinking into my head, I quit worrying about his thoughts and feelings, and wondering why he did/said the things he did. I realized it's just wasted effort to think about him at all. It took awhile to get to that point... but going NC is definitely what helped me get there. There is nothing you can say to this man that will make him realize what a sorry pathetic lying cheating selfish jerk he is. Why bother wasting the effort - he will just throw it all back at you. Stay away from him completely, and you will find peace and happiness. xxoo
Feb 3 - 3PM
Jannie In the Sun
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Actions speak louder than words!

I agree with Sparrow on this one! You can never tell a narc anything that they won't manipulate to their advantage. I have learned the hard way that we must SHOW people who we are and how we feel by our actions and in this case NO CONTACT is the best way to let him know.
Feb 4 - 2PM (Reply to #11)
agnesmurphy17
agnesmurphy17's picture

YES!!!

This is excellent advise. If you really didn't love him anymore, then you really wouldn't have anything to do with him & you wouldnt' waste your time telling him anything. You owe him no explanations. He most certainly feels that he owed you nothing.
Feb 3 - 2PM
fallingfoward
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supply

I'm still new to this site, but what I understand he probably already has some other supply. I don't know if it would even matter to him. Anyway that you keep any form of contact with him, will still allow him to abuse you. i know it's hard, but you are worth it. I still for sorry for my narc,(sometimes) but it is not my job to fix him, nor will I am longer let myself be use by him. I did tell my narc I didn't love him anymore, he just played more headgames with me. I had to decided to protect myself. Protect yourself, you are worth it.
Feb 3 - 2PM
ichooselife
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I can totally relate to you!

This one day stands out in my mind when I was on the way to meet my N, and I was crying on the way there because I wanted to be free of him. I couldn't stand the way he treated me, but I was so afraid I'de be lost without him, and I felt like I couldn't overcome the bond I had with him (which was one way, me being the vulnerable one). A friend of mine said to me "Why not tell him you need a 2 week break from him and let your head clear a bit." So I did. Then 2 wks turned into 2 more, then a few months.....etc. That was at the beginning of June, and yes I had a few little set-backs when I met him for coffee, or answered the door when I shouldnt have, but the more days that go by, it only gets easier. Ive had alot of support from people. My best friend always sets me straight whenever I have got week and feel sorry for him/confused about him. Otherwise, I couldnt have done it. By the way, my frind continually reminded me of this: A person that can be hurtful and cold to us and have no empathy does not have the emotional makeup to feel truly hurt. YOU would feel that way, but they are not made of the same stuff we are.
Feb 3 - 2PM
ichooselife
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monilove

If he's a true N, I don't think it will hurt him anything like it would hurt a normal person. I remember when I was still trying to gather the courage to leave my N, and got a crazy idea that maybe I could just be his friend, so that I wouldn't have to desert him... I was so nervous how he was going to take it and how he would feel. Well leave it to him to react in whatever way Im NOT expecting. When I told him over the phone that it might be a good idea to just be friends, it didn't faze him at all. He said it was a good idea and seemed to be happy about it. even changed the subject after that and started talking about a book he was reading. Thats when I realized that I myself wasn't okay with exepting the roll of "friend" with him. I don't believe they experience heart break, because they were never emotionally WITH US in the first place. But they DO want to be significant to someone, without giving of course.
Feb 3 - 12PM
spinning
spinning's picture

Okay, moni, I'm gonna

take the gloves off and go no holds barred: I'm all for peace, love, kindness and compassion BUT If you tell him you don't love him you will give him you will give him SO MUCH AMMO to conceive the MOST BRUTAL D & D KNOWN TO MAN it will leave you SPINNING big time. You must TRUST ME ON THIS. If you tell him that HE WILL TAKE YOU DOWN...not right away, but eventually. If you are serious about stopping your torture and pain, you must go no contact. You must find a way to extricate yourself from the situation and go no contact. You've done it before, you know what it takes. You can do it again. YOU HAVE TO WANT IT MORE THAN YOU WANT PAIN AND CONFUSION. The choice is yours, dear moni. Choose YOURSELF! Sincerely, (not) spinning. BECAUSE I REJECT ALL CHAOS AND CONFUSION

spinning

Feb 4 - 12PM (Reply to #6)
brinamarie
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completely agree with

completely agree with spinning. he will make you pay for this, and any progress you've made weaning yourself off of him or "falling out of love" will be reversed. they don't get mad, or sad, they get EVEN.. or worse, TORTUROUS. you won't be hurting him AT ALL. you'll be screwing yourself worse than you ever could. I went NC for a wk with ex N, after being told he screwed his coworker. I posted something on fb calling him a sociopath. He texted me and said "I have somethng extremely important to tell you".. i thougth his mom had cancer or something serious! he ended up telling me EVERY GIRL he slept with in 5 years.. there were a ton. i had a nervous breakdown. but i FINALLY blocked him from everything. trust me, you're not hurting them.. you're feeding their anger and psychopathic minds!!
Feb 3 - 12PM
midnight7
midnight7's picture

I'm sorry monilove - it will

I'm sorry monilove - it will have zero impact. Ns are incapable of feeling anything. Even though the words are in plain English, Ns only hear what they want to and interpret anything said any way they like. The N may react in a way that appears to be emotional but this would be because supply is leaving. He may pretend to be upset/get angry but none of it will be real, everything they do/say is for their own agenda. If you believe it will work some miracle change on the N - it won't. The best course of action is just to end it as cleanly as possible and go NC or just go NC without further communication. The longer you go NC, keep gaining knowledge, and insight the less lonely you will feel. The loneliness that comes from being without an evil monster in your life is far better than loneliness of being with the N, being tortured by him, and in hell daily.
Feb 3 - 12PM
Sparrow
Sparrow's picture

Why do you need to tell him

Why do you need to tell him anything? If he is disordered, he won't care. Your better off sparing your breath. You sound like you are addicted to the sadness and the chaos of this relationship and not the man. Are you in therapy? These are hurdles that you will find difficult to get over without the help of a professional. No worries about telling him you don't love him. He would only tell you back that he doesn't either and only one of you would be telling the truth. Sad but true. Stay NC, it's for the best and seek out a therapist if you don't already have one. And the one on one with Goldie will be extremely helpful for you as well. Good luck and stay strong.
Feb 3 - 12PM (Reply to #2)
monilove
monilove's picture

Sparrow - Im not addicted

to the sadness or chaos. I would gladly live without either of those two components in my life. What I am addicted to, is just having someone there Period! The reason why I feel I need to tell him I no longer love him, instead of going NC and letting him reach his own conclusions, (which should be fairly obvious at this point), is that I am hoping by vocalizing my true feelings, he will finally realize it is in fact time to let go, since my actions probably say otherwise. My actions and feelings are surely sending him mixed signals. And I am also hoping it will set me free from the relationship once and for all and from the guilt I feel for not loving him anymore. Oh, btw... I'm not in therapy, although I have been strongly considering beginning therapy sessions. There are alot of reasons for the underlying guilt and responsibility I feel towards this person, so I know that therapy might help me process some of this and make it easier for me to let go and let this grown man take care of himself. Thanks for your help Monilove
Feb 3 - 12PM (Reply to #3)
midnight7
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I ended the relationship,

I ended the relationship, told the xN I didn't love him, didn't miss him, he was disgusting, a predator/parasite, and told him that he must never contact me again. I told him he should get on with his life and let me get on with mine. I changed all contact details but before they had completely changed over despite all I said - he called. I told him everything all over again and to never contact me again, ever. I am NC now, all contact details changed, he cannot call/email/text me but what turned up just today in the post - a card from the xN filled with more rubbish! I shredded it. Despite all my actions and words telling him he was evil and to get stuffed and never get in touch, he took no notice. They never, ever learn, what you say to Ns has absolutely no impact at all, whatsoever. You either want it over or you don't. If you do, go NC and never respond. NC = silence = all the info a psychopath needs.