How to help my daughter deal with her psychopath father.

How to help my daughter deal with her psychopath father.
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Short Version: I need guidance on how to help my children deal with their psychopath father.

Long Version:

My daughter is very young, but very aware, alert and communicative. She returned from her time with her father VERY disturbed, and she could not stop talking about, essentially, her growing awareness that her father is a liar and a creep. This is the first time I haven't been able to console her and get her back to "herself" in a few days. I'm very concerned. I listened and sympathized. It was about HER experience - not mine. I said "I'm sorry honey" a lot. I was appropriately honest with her.

She is expressing herself with a lot of Anger and Arguing.
I continue to maintain the boundaries and expectations that I have as a mother. Consistent.
But she is really pushing the boundaries, and when I correct her she goes to a manipulative place of "you don't love me".

I feel like she may be overstimulated and need quiet and alone time. So I am going to try that. I also just want to hold her and hug her so that she knows it is okay.

I'm concerned about his mind games (that he has always played on the children) and his ignoring her, and his overfeeding her, and the lack of proper bedtime routine, etc. I'm teaching my children to ACTIVELY engage in self-soothing behaviors. They KNOW what to do to take care of themselves in that regard, and they have a LIST of what to do when they need to get peace.

Any pointers you all can give will be appreciated.

FYI: counseling for my daughter is not really appropriate since her father gives and receives referrals from within the medical community. If my daughter went to therapy, he would just manipulate that too.

abreva's picture

i am listening to you all.

You all keep recommending therapy for my children, and I promise I am listening.
I just have to really be careful with that route, since exhn-psychopath is prominent in town and I am seriously afraid of how he would USE AND ABUSE the counselors, therapists, etc. He's already trying to set up my children as mentally ill and started that B.S. when they were TODDLERS. He's a psychopath control freak movie of the week monster and I really have to protect my children from abuse by proxy. He's already trying it with their school and other doctors (and failing, I think). He is insane.

Here's the good news.

I have loved my daughter intensely since posting. I sat her down and said look- I know you are having a hard time and I am here for you and I love you and I'm going to take care of you and this weekend is about you and come on. And she understood it immediately. She has eaten it up. She has eaten beautiful healthy food and gotten good sleep and lots of affection and expressed herself. She's directly talking about positive healing words to deal with it. It's pretty amazing.

I will have to rely on friends to nurture my children. I will have to educate them about how to take care of themselves. It's going to be intense. But it will be okay.

Sparrow's picture

Concealing for your daughter

Counceling for your daughter is imperative! Let him attempt to manipulate the situation. Eventually, he will tire of it and move along. Get her in therapy ASAP and ignore his attempts to manipulate. If he continues to the point that it interferes with her well being and progress, get a court ordered restraint on him. Trust me, family courts ONLY care about the welfare of the child.

ordinarycourage's picture

children of psychpaths

I am sorry for what you and your daughter are living with.

Does she go for visitation with older siblings? This can really help and their bond will grow incredibly strong. My own daughters would always need adjustment time when they returned from visiting the ExN. Allowing her to say what's on her mind and still maintaining your rules is the best thing you can do.

Is there a grandparent or friend who can do the transfer? Lots of times the the N parent will do things for attention, even if it affects their own kids negatively. Take away most of his means of communicating with you. I would consider using a go-between, even for emails.

Keep a record of her moods and things she says in case you need them later. Date these entries.

I would still consider counseling for her. Can you find someone out of your area?

abreva's picture

thanks for your feedback

I have made the decision to stop speaking him about anything at exchanges. Nothing. All about the kids.

I do have someone I can use for go-betweens for emails. I have a friend who reviews and gives feedback. She is getting up to speed on this idea of him as a psychopath and No Contact, and the idea of giving him zero attention, etc. I also have a parent coordinator who will come into play soon. And you ladies here on this site, you ladies are a go-between.

Keeping records of what the kids say -- I can do this, and I do. But it seems So oppressive. And exnh-psychopath just makes stuff up -- so I don't see the point. But everyone tells me to, and I do, but dang. I wish I could just live my life. You know. +whine+