This is a difficult one to write tonight...I am still awake after I told myself to get to bed by 10am now.

Negative stuff:

Sunday - went to church, spent time at my mother's and worked outside - awesome and centered. Felt great and calmed.

Monday - at work, a student (up and coming narc or personality disordered I bet 16 yr old) gets agitated and we flare up again this year. I send him to the office and conference with him and the dean. The dean offered little, if no support, to me. Let's this little punk openly disrespect me and seriously, it was the circular argument/rage, his blaming me for everything about his life and even his future, if he does not graduate on time, that's my fault, too. He is so agitated and the dean caters to him and gets him out of my class...fine with me. Came home and grateful for freedom from exn.

Tuesday - at work, student (up and coming narc or personality disordered I bet 16 yr old), tells me to "Shut the F...k up" in front of the class. I contain all I can and quickly center my mind and tell him to leave my classroom. I meet with same spineless dean and this boy JUSTIFIES his language and tone! The dean gives no support and punk ass kid smirks at me and I tell him that his language and behavior is abusive and I want him out of my class. I inform him that NO ONE deserves his abusive behavior. Feel shakey when I get home and realize it is only Tuesday, BUT still focus on self-care when I get home - meditation, prayer, and positive affirmations.

Wed - call in a supervisor and fellow collegeaues (all women) and I voice our concerns that dean is not supporting teachers, esp women teachers with his lax and awful "conflict resolution" skills. I find out several of these women have had students (mostly male) verbally abuse them and the dean simply slaps there wrist saying everyone has a bad day. And the kids walk the halls and the disrespect towards women staff has increased since this dean came in. This isn't the entire school population, but really, about 20 kids (mostly boys, a few girls) who disregard authority and manipulate the dean with their hard luck stories and promises to change. I tell my supervisor that this affects us all, and he gets on board with non-remorseful kid who cussed me in class. I go home emotionally exhausted and pray and meditate for a hour - it get this slight fear that something is going to happen or some news that will hit me soon. Seems to happen after I pray and mediate from Bible scripture. I pray for peace of mind and guidance as to what lesson I'm supposed to learn from all this.

Thursday - Main boss comes to my class to talk about Tuesday situation and i tell him too that I am concerned about dean's lack of discipline methods. After this meeting, dean walks in with a phone number for the irrate parent who wants me to call her - and she is MAD because her son is on suspension. My fault? No, but still...I find main boss and share the number and that dean just fed me to the wolves. Main boss takes the number and says he'll take care of it for me because it isn't my responsibility anymore. (I really like my main boss). Then, a relative drops by and tells me that exn is with OW and they are married now. I was not devastated, but just felt this numb heaviness in my chest. Felt defeated since I have worked so hard to re-wire my mind and spirit. Felt, for a moment, that exn changed and is a better man for OW, and it's not even a year, and he's married. We were engaged and I wanted to marry and believed it was going to be him. Then, I meditated and prayed, and worked hard to carry on. Came home late this evening and it's been going back and forth in my mind - Great I'm out; but started to miss the old times. Then saw that it was all an illusion, but it hurts; and I wish I had not gotten involved with him. I regret it so much and focused on what the real pain is - rejection and abandonment.

Is it a D&D today - finding out about the marriage? I felt that disregard for me and even my family. That he lied and he's walked away. I know I won't hear from him again because he gets what ever he wants. He gets what ever he wants - new wife, new community that doesn't know his abusive history, and he can be the new "it" guy, and new wife is young, and catering to him and his kids and he'll fight to keep her around.

I find it ironic that the more positive I work, this stuff comes out - bam, bam, bam. When will all this stuff pan out...I am healing, but I am amazed that this stuff comes up now. I shared with a colleague/friend that I have some button to piss men/boys off. I did not sit back to bring these men down (exn included). They were all so hostile, abusive, and vindictive. All I wanted was basic respect and demanded it, and they unraveled. Even though I feel I'm not provoking them, it comes out.

I am GRATEFUL though...I will make myself grateful for something...The snow. It snowed today and it was beautiful. It fell gently and lightly. I am grateful for taking a stand for the women at my work and myself. I am grateful for main boss who does not look at me like I am a crazy or demanding woman. He has listened and even made that call to the mother. It wasn't that he was "saving" me. He and I know it was not my responsibility to handle that at that point, esp after I voiced my concerns and observations.

I am grateful that I am not crying on the floor like I used to just a few months ago, because this could have sent me into a tailspin. Just feel tired and some doubt about exn, but have no attraction for him. I've not spoken to him since Nov 10, 2011, and final D&D was March 2011. Got a little bit of the CD, but read some articles again about PD, abusive and controlling men to remind me of what he is. It's helped and this is my challenge - letting go. I am thankful for my friends at work and their listening ears.

I am grateful to the Creator for being with me as I face my fears.

Take care and thank you for reading...