No Contact Day 2 and the pain is unbearable

No Contact Day 2 and the pain is unbearable
Posted February 2, 2012 - 9:07am
0

I thought it would be easier this time- I thought I knew what to expect...I can't stop crying, I can't think, I can't eat or sleep. I had to leave work last night. I think my co-workers think I'm crazy - maybe they are right!

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dudette's picture

hugs to you

February 10, 2012 - 6:42am — dudette

oh honey I wish I could give you a hug because you are exactly where I was 15 months ago. For the time N and I were together he used to contact me everyday and sometimes I would panic at the thought that one day he may not....then I had to go NC and my worst nightmare came true...

It is hard honey, I cannot deny it. Same as you believe me. Days crying, not getting out of bed, let alone the house, lost 40 pounds in 20 days, vomiting all the time and obsessing all day long....

I put up NC reminders all over the house, I deleted any contact mechanisms he had used to get hold of me, got caller ID on my home phone, got rid of everything I had that reminded me of him, including a lot of my clothes, it was awful...

Then I leanr to detach, detach, detach and worked on retraining my brain and journalled like mad. My opening sentence was, I will win this, this person is not me.....

15 months of solid hard work and the discipline of it was really worth it Mags, I cannot tell you the difference that it has made....and you come out of it stronger and with more self respect. NC is an exact science. Only the most complete and total NC works because ot has to be YOUR decision to lock him out of your life and never let him back in. And that, is YOUR sweet revenge

Lots of love ang courage to go your way
D xxxxx

Maggster's picture

I am numb

February 3, 2012 - 9:06am — Maggster

I am numb, empty, dead inside...My tears are dried up and there is nothing left

midnight7's picture

Dear Maggster, you are not

February 3, 2012 - 9:27am — midnight7

Dear Maggster, you are not crazy. It's an addiction and going cold turkey with NC causes terrible withdrawal symptoms, anxiety, anger, crying, feeling numb, cognitive dissonance, PTSD, much worse than the end of a normal relationship. You had real, tangible feelings for the N which you are acknowledging with your pain/grief. Now there is 'nothing left' you can start rebuilding, keep going forward on your new journey, and fill yourself up with joy again. PM any time. Keep strong, fearless, you are not alone.

Maggster's picture

I lost everything over the

February 3, 2012 - 9:30am — Maggster

I lost everything over the past 15 years My world became his...I became his prisoner and I'm stuck in hell. He is all I know! I'm so scared

midnight7's picture

As others have made me aware

February 3, 2012 - 9:48am — midnight7

As others have made me aware of (see my post on the 'lost' years in Steps 4-6 Forum). We have all had joyous moments/events with others who truly love us during the wilderness/hell years with the Ns in our lives. I'm certain if you reflect - write a when I was happy/what I achieved despite/without the N list - you will see there were many wonderful moments. You have also learned a great deal from your experiences, and as you go through the healing process you will become stronger, more confident again. Are you still NC - you say 'I became his prisoner and I'm stuck in hell' - one is the past tense, one the present? If you are NC still then you have chosen to escape from prison and you are no longer in hell. Embrace this challenge, change is nothing to be frightened of, it's an opportunity to take hold of life and forge ahead on another path - free. With the N, I knew what every day would bring, it was always the same, the destruction of my being every second of the day - I was suffocating. Now I don't know what is ahead - it's so exhilarating!

Maggster's picture

He is everywhere...

February 4, 2012 - 10:08am — Maggster

I can't live with him-I can't live without him...this is hell. My world for the past 15 years has been only him, I gave up all the rest. He's everywhere I go, my house is full of him. Clothes, jewelry, furniture, art, renovations, the paint on the walls... I lie in bed and I can feel his breath on neck, I can smell his scent on the pillow. His cloths are in the closet, his watch on the dresser....he is part of me.

midnight7's picture

Dear Maggster, calm, breathe

February 4, 2012 - 10:33am — midnight7

Dear Maggster, calm, breathe - everything is going to be ok. Yes, you can live without him - the only things we can't live without are oxygen, food, and water. You are going cold turkey with a strong addiction - every fibre of your being is screaming out for a hit. The hit of the N will send you spiralling again in to abuse - stay strong, focused, and keep busy - particularly keep your mind, which is working overtime, active with other thoughts. You are suffering withdrawal, cognitive dissonance, and post traumatic stress symptoms. You are not as such missing the N in any way - this is your body/mind response to the stimulus being removed.

First things first. Get rid of his clothes/watch to the nearest charity shop right now! Or just stick them in the rubbish bin/burn them in the garden. Are you able to have a clear out - literal? Can you give the clothes away, sell the jewellery today? Are you able to purchase a few new items in the next couple of days? Can you re-decorate your house - start this weekend - choose new colour scheme, paper, rug - anything to begin making it in to your space and your space alone. Do you have more than bedroom? If yes, move in to the other bedroom and decorate it just for you. If not, completely gut the room you're in - paint/new bedlinen/new pictures. Throw away any reminders of him - photos/gifts or sell if worth something.

This is your health, sanity, well-being. Maggster - you can do this. You are not alone - keep posting - keep busy!

Maggster's picture

I can't purge- I can't.

February 4, 2012 - 11:44am — Maggster

I can't purge- I can't.

midnight7's picture

Dear Maggster - can you do

February 4, 2012 - 11:53am — midnight7

Dear Maggster - can you do one item today? Just one thing, then one tomorrow - soon house, mind, body will feel at ease. If you are in so much pain and have determined that leaving the N and that awful world behind is preferable to more abuse then you have to take the first step. PM at any time. I promise you the world outside the prison of the N is wonderful.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step - Lao-tzu, The Way of Lao- tzu. Chinese philosopher (604 - 531 BCE)

Maggster's picture

Yes I'm still NC and either

February 3, 2012 - 9:52am — Maggster

Yes I'm still NC and either way I'm in hell...I think it's worse that I know he has full blown NPD and I still want him? This is hell & I see no exit

midnight7's picture

The balance will tip slowly,

February 3, 2012 - 10:17am — midnight7

The balance will tip slowly, then it changes completely as NC progresses. As NC days increase you feel to go back would be hell, you would be letting yourself down, you couldn't bear the suffocation/torture all over again as if nothing had ever changed and that actually where you now find yourself brings equilibrium and peace which you can build on gaining more knowledge, working the tools, having compassion for yourself, living life to the full again. Dear Maggster you have everything you need within you to succeed, you really do - strength, courage, fearlessness.

Einstein's definition of insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

To change one's life: Start immediately. Do it flamboyantly. No exceptions ~ William James

peaches's picture

Hang in there

February 2, 2012 - 12:36pm — peaches

You will soon experience the pleasures of nc. Freedome is on it's way to you and with it relief from years of abuse and pain. You are going through withdrawls. Be gentle with yourself. Pull out all of your coping tools. Hot baths, pedicure, massage, prayer, good food, reading and posting here, plenty of rest, hugs from people that really do love and care about you. It took quite some time before I realized the n wasn't going to comfort me and help me heal. As crazy as that sounds now. I thought he could take the pain of nc away and so continued to respond to hoovers and begging and groveling to get the relationshit back. I discourage you from doing this! Stay strong! You can do this! And the benefits of nc are on the way to you. Cry, kick and scream, but be gentle with yourself. And know there is no pain that contact with the n can't made worse.

Snowflake's picture

Maggster

February 2, 2012 - 5:00pm — Snowflake

Just wondering how you are hon???? x

needing2know's picture

Your not crazy, your hurting,

February 2, 2012 - 11:10am — needing2know

Your not crazy, your hurting, we have all been where you are, I wanted to die! I would rather give birth 20 times than go through the pain a narc inflicts! You go ahead and cry and get mad, It sucks and I remember so well the first few weeks, i couldn't take care of my self let alone my kids (we didn't have kids together) But I always had to go hide in the shower so my kids didn't see me cry, never took so many showers in my life!!! My body hurt, my head hurt, I lost 35 lbs, my bills didn't get paid on time, I just could not function. You need to do NC for your own sake screw him and his needs and wants, honey it's time to do for you!!! IT'S TIME!!!!! The more you go back , the worse it is, I don't think it will ever be easier the next time around.No matter how much we educate ourselves.

Snowflake's picture

Exactly

February 2, 2012 - 12:37pm — Snowflake

What stops me is the thought that he is waiting to d and d because I dumped his lousy arse. I darent give that opportunity..I wont give it x

neverlookback's picture

Maggster

February 2, 2012 - 10:19am — neverlookback

It helps to look beyond where this feeling of pain is generating from other than just the NC, possibly fear, your scared because you are entering something that is new for you its NOT comfortable, for me it felt like I was falling off a cliff. Perhaps coming to terms with the strong pathological bond you had with this man as I did as well.

This relationship was not just a habit, it was an addiction and a powerful one to say the least - review and understand what you were addicted to in these moments - take it apart piece by piece to understand why you feel like you are dying - Sometimes doing this can get you through another day of NC - At least it worked for me, just trying to offer some suggestions x0

fearlessfemale's picture

take a deep breath

February 2, 2012 - 9:36am — fearlessfemale

Im serious...sweet girl....take a deep breath and hold it for a few seconds then slowly release it counting dowm backwards from 10. Repeat. I remember that pain very much and did take off work for a few days. Also grateful for work to have a distraction to direct my focus. It was almost like learning to walk again. The pain was so horrible i wanted to "be dead" ... i thought that was the ONLY way it would ever stop hurting. Thank goodness and the good Lord above i didnt die. And one night i remember so well, the pain just stopped...you know the pain right in your heart...heartbreak. simply went away. For that i am grateful. This is when i decided...no more. I began researching, joined this site, have been making great strides...both forward and backward...but still moving just the same. I am so very sorry that you are in pain and sorry he did this to you. Now take one more breath..hold...release...it really does help and please KNOW it will get better and the pain will go away. Im praying for you sweet girl.

Snowflake's picture

Big hug Maggster

February 2, 2012 - 10:11am — Snowflake

Thinking of you, keep reading the success stories on here, remind yourself it wont get any worse than this...the only way it gets worse is if you contact him...the only way is up from here x

Snowflake's picture

Maggster

February 10, 2012 - 6:32am — Snowflake

You really have to get rid of the stuff, its obviously hurting your recovery.

You dont have a safe haven to get over him because all his stuff is there. Please I implore you get rid.

I know the feeling is worse right now but look at the posts on here, promises that it will get better, you have to believe that..I cant say as I am new..but because I dont know I listen and read peoples posts who have been there.

You have to trust them honey and follow the advice..remember NC also means no contact with reminders of him. Give the stuff to a shelter, get some good out of it if you cant throw away. Get rid of the ghost thats living with you everyday.

If you go back you wont feel any worse but you will never get better..do you really want that?

Do you really want to be treated the way you have been?
List some of the things he has done hon..read them back to yourself x