Today has been a good day. I can honestly say I've been feeling better, less angry more positive. I did some reading around the forums here and reflected on what I read. The hardest thing to believe, and I staunchly disagree with, at least from my unique situation and perspective is that my exNarc was a master manipulator and a "pro" at this. The sticking point is that by saying she was the manipulator, this devious "pro", gives her power over me, even now after it is over, is to admit weakness. I personally feel that she was not a good liar, she didn't manipulate me. I know I manipulated my own feelings, I allowed this to happen to me. Let me explain: I saw the signs, I knew what was happening but I rationalized it before even confronting her and just let it go.
I also refuse to believe that the feelings of what we had weren't real. Maybe not real in the sense of mutual shared feelings between two normal human beings but still they existed. The difference lies in the perception by both parties. Yes hers may have been an act, not true love, happiness whatever, but mine was, if only at first. I will admit, I understand in her eyes I was an object, just a source on NS, but I WAS happy and that counts for something. The happiness was doomed to fail for sure. But what makes you happy is never bad. It becomes bad only when you cling to the past despite what you see before your eyes in the present.
I am also going to take a step forward and past my bitterness and anger and refuse to say that the relationship was a failure. It will only be a failure if I continue to make the same mistakes and do not learn from the experience.