The Narc Mixed Message

Amazed

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The Narc Mixed Message

Posted January 30, 2012 - 2:46pm

Have you ever noticed the "mixed messages" that Ns give.., like a personal insult, mixed with,," I miss you, want to make sure your are cool".....

It is so good to be away from all the CRAP and the endless hours of trying to appease these creeps...

The put down is bizarre....NEVER good to stay with Narcs like that...they are always trying to prove themselves better than anyone,,especially their "loved one" ....

Again,,SO GLAD to be away. the mixed messages are so subtle, so destructive, especially to the gal who just wants her man to be happy,,,they NEVER CHANGE.

Narcs are absolutely

April 15, 2012 - 5:08pm — mystwoman

Narcs are absolutely mind-boggling sometimes, aren't they? They are SO messed up. My "personal favorite" mixed message I've heard (so far), actually didn't even come from xnh amazingly enough.

It came from the director of the lab where I work. He's a complete misogynist, narc that has all of the social graces of a chain saw. Diplomacy and tact are NOT his strong suit. lol. Virtually everyone in the lab has problems with this jerk in one form or another.

The other day this narc director came into my work area to talk to some of the guys who'd just finished absolutely busting their butts to get a project done quickly for him. I hear the director on the other side of my partition telling these guys, "Thanks guys for getting all of that equipment built so fast." Then there was a pause and I hear, "Gee, I hope you didn't screw up anything."

Asshole. The narc just didn't seem to have a single clue that he should have simply shut his mouth after saying "Thank you". Of course, after the narc left, I hear the guys poking fun at each other for the rest of the afternoon with, "Gee, I hope you didn't screw up anything."...and the narc director is still completely uncaring and oblivious about the resentment he caused these hard-working guys. I'm sure the jerk would be totally shocked to find out that none of these guys actually either likes or respects him. Go figure. He's a narc. To quote one of my friends about this director, "He's got his head so far up his own butt that he can look himself in the eyes (and he frequently does)". rofl.

Silly Little Girls

April 15, 2012 - 2:03pm — uncomfortablynumb

Him, during a recent hoover manoover conversation: "it's cool how you can actually talk things out, not like all those Silly Little Girls."

Next day, he takes up with a new girl..creeping what was visible on her facebook, with her last boyfriend she was demanding, insecure, and needy. Yes, she photographed and publicised personal information about her relationship for the whole world to comment on and for him to see what others had to say...in other words, the type of SILLY LITTLE GIRL who sets off his fear of enmeshment.

I think they love the self-fulfillling prophesy.

Very interesting insight,

April 13, 2012 - 9:38am — Deidre99

Very interesting insight, definitely.

I remember a favorite put down of my ex's. He would often tell me I'm stupid, and then say...''but, I love you.''

Or...

''How can someone like you be so intelligent in business, and so stupid in life?''

I think that one I heard a lot from him. And interestingly, I heard growing up in my home, how 'stupid' I was. So, it was 'easy' to believe his words. :(

Or...if he started talking about other women on his fb page. (I don't use FB) He would then say...''But, you're the one for me, you know that right?'' ugh. (and I never even said anything...it was like he wanted me to be jealous women were posting flirty things on his page, there would be an awkward silence between us on the phone, and then he'd say that comment)

I agree. So glad to be rid of that jerk, and all his insults, and nonsense.

Hidden meaning?

April 13, 2012 - 8:46am — Kim F

This is my first time posting and have just joined a few days ago. It was very difficult because I suppose doing this is accepting who he really is and that he does not really love me and that was the thing I wanted to hang on to for dear life. I do realize I need to tell my story but it is so long and am afraid of being judged as I was the "OW" and he was married. At any rate my comment to this post is he would always tell me about the ones before me and how they went crazy and got drunk etc because of their beak up and how one in particular threw eggs at his car and near the end with him when he knew I was catching on to things ..... he would say "never you "Babydoll .... I would never call you a c*nt or b*tch etc. Even the very last thing he said to me when I so badly wanted closure and was desperate (not like me) he said "Okay Okay ... move on I am not going to swear at you." When I think about it now it was almost a sick way of warning me or even calling me those names without saying it" And in that very statement he told me he doesn't want me to HURT and maybe later when things are OKAY we will speak again. My story is so long so there is so much more to all of this. Wow even this was hard to type. It feels like I am betraying him or diagnosing him. Ugh !

You are not alone!

April 13, 2012 - 10:42am — Breakingfree24

Welcome Kim! I can relate more than you know...I too was the OW when his first marriage was falling apart...I fell for all the same BS...called her the same names plus a few more...I was everything he waited for his whole life for...yeah right! They are sick, and they prey on us good independent, strong woman because they are weak and know we will take care of them and in my case his kids...I was excellent supply until I did not do everything he wanted, did not agree with him on all his thoughts and wishes. OMFG I had a mind of my own...eight years of this sad life with him and 5 kids...he supposedly fell in love with me because I was a beatiful storng woman who had more on the ball than any woman he had ever met. Now he hates me for it, devalues me and says I am the one who is crazy...NEWSFLASH! He is the one who is crazy, disordered and sad! Remember who you are and draw strength from that. You are still in there. I know it is difficult, but you are did nothing wrong, please remember that...

If it looks like a pig, it is a pig..oink oink! You are in the right place. Schedule a one to one with Goldie if you can...she is amazing and really helped me breakthrough and regain my strength and control.

God bless you and remember, you are not alone!

Kris

Breakingfree

April 13, 2012 - 11:02am — kaysterbabe

"If it looks like a pig, it is a pig....oink oink!" how funny and true.

I can relate to every single word you have just posted, especially the bit about them being weak and wanting somebody to look after them. I like you WAS a very good, independent, strong woman - they take you down eventually until you have no self esteem, or self confidence, at least I haven't at the moment!. I think that when we finally get fed up of being the one that makes all the effort, does everything, support them emotionally (and they never do that for us when we need it) mine just changes the subject or his eyes glaze over! - they finally seek new supply because they have sucked us dry!!! - Thank you for your post your comments have really helped me.

Hugs

Kayster x

Kim

April 13, 2012 - 10:06am — kaysterbabe

Welcome !! - I was scared to post as I was the OW too and also felt I would be judged. My Narc was exactly the same always telling me about his other woman, the ones before me! - You are not betraying him just recognising and learning. I am new too and have been reading for 6 months + before I plucked up the courage to post.

I am so grateful for this forum - it's saved me from a very dark time. Hang in there Kim and keep posting and healing.

Love and hugs

Kayster x

Thank you :)

April 13, 2012 - 10:27am — Kim F

Thank you Kayster. I have been NC for 4 months on April 21 and it has been so painful. Lots of tears. I feel like I am walking in a fog every single day. The first 2 months I stayed in the dark in my bedroom and cried and prayed for understanding and answers. I am now going to group therapy and am seeing a therapist one on one. I feel so stuck in my story (a term I learned from Oprah's Lifeclass) and am so very tired of him invading my thoughts 24-7 and trying to figure out how someone can be so "deeply" (his word) in love with me and jump through hoops to prove this and turn out to be a monster. My mother keeps telling me if you understood someone like this then you would be one. *Sigh*

You are more than welcome Kim

April 13, 2012 - 10:38am — kaysterbabe

I am not NC as yet (long story) but what you just said about it being like walking in a fog every single day - I feel like that now !! - they suck the very soul from you at least that's how I feel, drained, devalued, as you say "stuck in my perhaps not story just yet but nightmare"! and that is what it is on a daily basis a nightmare - I feel like I am nearly ready to go NC (he knows nothing of this of course) he is also married as am I!

One of the most important things to remember which I have learnt from this forum is Narcs don't know how to really love anybody and they never will. At least we have that ability to love and be loved back by someone who deserves YOU. Your mother is so right - it makes us so crazy and sends us mental because we don't understand the way their minds work and it leaves you in a constant state of anxiety, questionning, confusion - I am very proud of you Kim - 4 months in awesome, all I can say is I wish I was on my way to recovery because this is torture !! as I am sure you know only too well.

Stay strong my love and well done for staying NC.

Big Hugs

Kayster

bananas

February 7, 2012 - 1:54am — ichooselife

He told me he was fatally alergic to bananas.

He supposedly felt very sick one night from accidently touching a banana peel hanging out of the trash can at a bus stop. Said he was throwing something away, and his hand brushed against it. hmmmm.

So one day, months later at a Thankgiving dinner, there are 2 juices on the table. I read them ahead of time to see if there was banana puree in them.Sure enough, one had it. Wouldnt you know he reaches for that one. I stopped his hand and said "Dont drink that one, it has banana in it." He poured it into his glass anyway. I was trying to talk him out of it. He goes, "You look as worried as I SHOULD be. Thankyou for your concern but Im sure I'll be okay. Its probably not the first ingredient."
Actually, it was the 3rd ingredient, but close enough, for someone who claims he is deathly alergic. He drank it, and he was fine. ???????

hahahaha that is the most

April 13, 2012 - 9:40am — Deidre99

hahahaha that is the most hilarious thing! i needed a laugh today. :)

i just think they will say just about anything...even if it's off the wall...for attention.

LOL!!!

February 7, 2012 - 1:46am — ichooselife

Some of these posts are hillarious! This is better than watching a comedian any time!

Yes mine was good at the scrambled eggs talk...

"Maybe some day we'll just be really good friends."

"As tempting as it is, I can't let myself call you more than one time a day. I don't want to depend on you too much."

a few months later--"As hard as it will be for me, I can't let myself call you every day."

"You're the most important thing in my life right now." (gotta love the "right now!")

ichooselife

February 8, 2012 - 1:26am — loveofmylife

OMG - these made me laugh. The mixed messages and scrambled eggs were the worst part of it....and to think I thought this made him "mysterious" and "intreging".

This is how messed up this makes us...
I'm a super logical person with a head screwed on straight.

He would confuse me so much, that I would keep a log of the confusing things he said to me (and he is very smart too and is entirely capable of straight talk).

This is what drove me to therapy. I couldn't understand whether he loved me or didn't love me as his messages were so confusing. I thought he was sending me "secret messages" that he really loved me because he couldn't straight out tell me because I was married.

Well, all of this confusion/mixed messages/scrambled eggs is eventually what drove me literally crazy and had me (a very capable person) bed ridden with pain for 1 year! 1 Year for a highly functional person! That is how much damage they can do with their mind games.

Drove me to therapy and my therapist first floated the phrase "crazy making" by me. I'm 47 and had never heard that phrase before. I had to actually learn what it meant!

This is my biggest red flag now...If someone can't talk to you straight, they are hiding something big - they are NOT mysterious!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"bed ridden with pain for 1 year"

February 8, 2012 - 5:45pm — ichooselife

Whoe! Thats terrible! Good thing we are away from these nut jobs.

Yeah, my friend and I have had many good laughs over just the wierdness and inappropriate things.

One time, my ex (while i was with him) had me so on edge that I almost ripped his head off just for rubbing his eyes while I was talking to him. Its one of those things me and my friend joke about till this day. She'll go, "Whats wrong with your eyes?!!!!" and we both start laughing cause its how I was with him that day. (many days.)

See he had this thing about cutting me off when I was talking. Due to my growing anger, he became more subtle about the way he interupted me, but still did it. He never had so-called sudden stomach pains, or something in his eyes, or sudden interest in the world around him until I was talking. Never happened when he was talking.or anyone else for that matter. hmmmmm :)

I'm in awe of the comments on this site

February 8, 2012 - 4:09pm — stunnedalso

Thank you Thank you Thank you. I am very logical. I've used the exact phrases as I've found on this site. omg THen I wander, will I ever find happiness in a relationship? Seriously. I'm 41 with two young children and I have no career. I thought he was a good friend. AND all the mixed signals!!! Never saying he cares, but implying it...then saying he could go a month without knowing about me or speaking with me...AND ...here's the joke... we barely see each other anyway because it's long distance. AIE.... the illogic kills me... so knowing what is written here helps me to let that go. I know what is mine. AND there's no use in attempting conversation with him about it. I know that. We used to "be able to talk about anything"....and "be so calm around each other"...until I became "some psycho woman like all the others"

"I ask no contact from you."

February 6, 2012 - 2:04pm — Monica

For months I told my xN not to contact me ever again. He had been calling me at work until I got Caller ID and reported him to my bosses. I blocked his personal cell and he got through to me with his work cell, which I didn't recognize. Each time I would tell him to not contact me again, to leave the past in the past, to leave me be. He would get angry and bitter at that point. I sent him a letter and made a copy, again telling him not to contact me in any way ever again. I was always polite and respectful and not confrontational or angry. When the block ran out on his personal cell he contacted me yet AGAIN. (I guess he kept trying for months until the block expired.) He is obsessed with thinking I have a "beau" living with me.

I told him then that I would speak with a detective if he ever contacted me again and that I keep copies of his texts and my phone records showing his texts and calls to me from both his personal and work cell phones. I told him I kept a copy of the letter I sent him telling him to stop contacting me. He got really angry then. Accused me of blackmail. Raged for a bit. Then he texted, "I am blocking u today. Why do I waste my time? I ask no contact from you."

Well.....DUH!!!! Talk about turning the tables.... They are simply ridiculous!

After that last contact, I sent him a Cease and Desist Order. That was over a week ago. I have not heard anything since then. A copy went to his executive director because he had used his work cell phone to contact me.

"I don't want to close the

February 5, 2012 - 12:09am — clover16

"I don't want to close the door on you but I don't want to open it right now either"

Translation = I just want to keep you around in case the OW dry up for a while LOL

Yes

February 6, 2012 - 1:31pm — Snowflake

wonder if theres a 'be a better Narc book'. And isnt it interesting how we all thought they were interesting, intriguing, different..yet they are all the same lol...and bald :)

OMG Clover

February 5, 2012 - 1:24pm — loveofmylife

Mine said the same freaking thing! How could that be? I always thought mine was such a mysterious and interesting guy when he said things like this. Little do I know he have the Super Narc Playbook of Tricks that they all have.

Think about it...has any other NORMAL person (and I'm 48) ever said even "I don't want to close the door on you right now". A normal person has never even used those words in my life...they would say "maybe its best if we cool this off for a bit or see other people or something like that".... "Close the door" implies that we are "opportunities" not "people".

Narc playbook

February 6, 2012 - 1:16pm — clover16

Maybe we were with the same narc! lol. I know what you mean - they try so hard to sound cool and laid back but their D&D expressions are so formal and weird sounding! Exactly like you said, as if they come from a narc playbook!

I am closing the door on him. Bye! :)

hugs,
clover

after telling him to get a

February 4, 2012 - 2:33pm — brinamarie

after telling him to get a therapist & right before blocking him:

"i'm sure you'll find someone eventually who will love you like I did in the beginning. I was so happy in the beginning, at least I think I was. Yes, I have issues but you have issues, too."

BARF.

Question for everyone

February 4, 2012 - 1:44am — loveofmylife

Like everyone else, the Narc's mixed messages were mind boggling and was probably the one major thing that sent me into therapy and caused emotional and then physical pain.

So a question for you all. My narc's mixed messages were unreal to me and the scrambled eggs were unreal.

Well, when I decided to read his email to see what was really going on, I noticed that his emails to other victims were more clear than anything he has sent to me. And found myself jealous that some women actually got at least apparently more clear communications. Now, maybe they were "fresher" victims, more in the honeymoon stage - and then his pining for you is more clear, but then as things go downhill maybe the scrambled eggs happen.

Do any of you have experience with this or a theory on this? Because I can't tell you have envious I felt to these other victims who had clearer communications!

LOML

February 4, 2012 - 8:10am — Hunter

Mirror, mirror, on the wall..

Idealize,devalue,discard ..

During the idealization ( honeymoon phase) they are learning all about you..what you think is loving and kind behavior.. It's actully a tool of manipulation ..

They mirror the victium.. You like red, they like red.. You write poetry they write poetry ..

Then Wham Bham ... Look out batman.. " why are you wearing red.. Red is so ugly and makes you ugly"" or " the poetry you wrote is terrible, what are you trying to say"..

Now your head is Spinning.. Now he can " Control you" ...

It's Sick,Sick,Sick..

Hunter

SOUP

February 8, 2012 - 4:17pm — stunnedalso

OMG. Yes. THat's what I could never put together in my logical mind. I would think "But he liked this and that and I did too...he loved cooking...he loved my stories...we had the same interests....... Even something stupid like stuff I would make..."sounds delicious...send me the recipe...etc" Then later he would say opposite stuff. Like I hate soup.... then I would inquire again and say..."well, you don't like soup...like ALL soup?" He then says..."I never said that. I like soup" JUST soup...it's just soup....just stick to a straight statement please!!!
LOL

Hunter

February 4, 2012 - 11:35pm — loveofmylife

Yes, I'll have to remember "mirror mirror on the wall" that hilarious!

Yup, same here.

February 3, 2012 - 1:23am — alicepaul

"I have to deal with the guilt of what I've done" he says to me about revenge-cheating on his wife with me. Ten seconds later he wonders if he and I will get to have sex again. Um, no you sick freak! He can take his diseased, surgically-enhanced penis and keep insatiably masturbating (as he admitted to me he does) to porn and continue to use his wife's body to masturbate. No wonder she cheated! 21 years of that and so would I.

Thanks

February 2, 2012 - 12:45pm — peaches

All of these posts really gave me something to be grateful for today. The hair on the back of my neck stood up when I read these. I don't have anyone in my life today that says shit like that. Very grateful! I hope none of you take their scrabbled eggs seriously. I know the pain that causes and I'm letting it be in my past and know it was just more of his lies.

HIM= TO ME... I AM JUST

February 2, 2012 - 11:59am — Used

HIM= TO ME...
I AM JUST TEXTING YOU TO TELL YOU I AM NOT GOING TO TEXT YOU ANYMORE,AAND I AM DELETEING YOUR NUMBER...I DIDNT ANSWER...
SOME TIME LATER...A TEXT GOOD NIGHT NAME[NOT MINE] LOVE HIM, IF THIS TEXT HAS GONE TO USED IT WASENT SUPPOSE TO....

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

February 4, 2012 - 11:09pm — ruby01

What a dumb ass!

Silver lining...

February 2, 2012 - 11:37am — Anonymus

"I'm in love with you...you're just what there is right now"

Here's a good one : "I love

February 1, 2012 - 5:21pm — Belle de jour

Here's a good one : "I love you, but I don't trust myself"

Xnh sent me an email after

February 1, 2012 - 4:16pm — mystwoman

Xnh sent me an email after the final D&D that said:

I have done a lot of thinking and I can NOT tell you I don't love you.."

I'm not sure it would be possible for xnh to use more "double negatives" in one sentence. To this day, I don't know what he was saying. lol.

If mixed messages were an art form, narcs would be masters in the medium. Word salad is definitely their forte.

mystwoman.... maybe the same narc ??? hahah....DINKS !

April 13, 2012 - 8:01pm — toomuch

I got the e mail to in it he said...
You are the most amazing wonderful woman how can I not love you I haven't fallen out of love but i don't deserve you ..... blah blah blah I am still tring to figure that one out...

haha

February 3, 2012 - 7:55pm — nlvr7

towards t end when i knew he was going to dump me i told my N "you are being logical and it isnt making any sense" the look on his face was priceless

Holy crap yes, all sorts of

February 1, 2012 - 1:36pm — Lisa87

Holy crap yes, all sorts of mixed messages, crazy making, like Hunter says... Scrambled Eggs!!

"there is a possibility of

February 1, 2012 - 9:14am — kartaga

"there is a possibility of true soul recognition between us"

"you are making me doubt you"

"my ex-girlfriend was the one who turned heads. you are not like her, you are smart."

good topic

January 30, 2012 - 9:26pm — onwithmylife

ME i am discusing something with him,as most normal couples do, trying to explain my perspective, HIM, all i want is peace and quite, ME, that is all i want too...............DUH......

I remember...

January 30, 2012 - 4:41pm — fearlessfemale

I remember the first time he nearly knocked my socks off...

Everything was perfect (early stage)...about two months in our relationship he makes a comment one night when I was
about to leave a community class he was teaching...
"I love you honey, wish you would take better care of yourself"...
I was instantly confused...it just came out of nowhere.
I commented back...well I guess if I had health insurance I could go to the Doctor, but I'm eating healthy and exercising 5 times a week. I feel like I am taking care of myself dear but thanks for the concern.
He replies...no, you should wear more makeup and dress better when coming to my meetings...then he snickers as if it's a joke. Totally out of his character (or the person I thought he was). Of course he calls and says, "I'm sorry if you let your feelings get hurt." "I'll just shut-up and let you dress like you want to from now on"...trying to get me to feel like it's all my fault that my feelings were hurt and I had no right to be upset.

A**hole.

This was a minor red flag I ignored...they kept popping up all the time after. Guess I just couldn't comprehend how someone could be so uncaring in what they say to others. Guess what...if you are a Narc you CAN be so very uncaring!

"I'm sorry if you let your

January 30, 2012 - 7:11pm — dazed

"I'm sorry if you let your feelings get hurt."

Wow! Classic, it's your fault. Oh, it's not that he said anything hurtful. It's that you let it hurt you. One of the things that still irritates the crap out of me is the blaming everything on me.

Me: We're fighting all the time
N: I'm not the one who's fighting.

And then the mixed message that would send me spinning.

N: You are really good at what you do (we worked together)
Me: Thanks

And then 10 minutes later
Me: Hey I figured this problem out
N: Wow, you actually got one!

It's been 9 months and I'm still extricating myself from the abuse that I took for far too long,

Oh yes, what about this

January 30, 2012 - 3:54pm — Alissa

Oh yes, what about this one:
N: "all I feel for you, is lust."
A few minutes later - when he's leaving -: "I love you"

??????????

Mixed Messages

January 30, 2012 - 3:34pm — agnesmurphy17

The mixed messages will drive one crazy. Mine would go through a litany of how unhappy he was with with me: Starved for affection, communication, contact, blah, blah, blah. I was crazy & stupid. He wanted a divorce every month. When I said, fine, ok. NO! NO! NO! You make me happier than any woman has in my life.

Or, the zinger that finished it for me: "I was never sexually or emotionally connected to you. I married you because I thought my love would transform you as [ex-girlfriend's name] love transformed me." Now, ladies, how can a person love when they they feel no sexual or emotional connection? Duh! When I told him that he'd have to explain this -- he went BALLISTIC!!! Threw himself on the floor in a tantrum. But he never ever backed off the formulation.

Insanity. The man was/is insane. And he's a tenured university professor. They say Hitler threw himself on the floor & threw tantrums when the war started going badly. But these people go in public & everybody thinks they are the cat's meow. Unbelievable. It's brainwashing. I don't know how I lasted so long -- 2 1/2 years. Ugh!!

It's all " Scrambled

January 30, 2012 - 2:50pm — Hunter

It's all " Scrambled Eggs"

Hunter

"I'm surprised at how well

January 31, 2012 - 12:34am — missym

"I'm surprised at how well your breasts have held up, but your jaw and face could use some work if you want to put any money into plastic surgery."

I know your waiting on me to

February 5, 2012 - 1:21am — Armed

I know your waiting on me to change but I'm not.

After he dumps me an hour later he texts..."I hate you for breaking my heart and not making this work"...umm shouldn't I be the one texting that!

You went through my shit and called my OW " I'm slicker than the average guy hahaha" And I guess to him he was cause she believed every word HE said. Sure I'm the crazy one.

"You really need to decide if you want to be with someone like me"
Me: what's someone like you.
Him: I'm being sarcastic.

I'm a terrible person- OMG...this was the truth

You're just using me for sex and everyone thinks you're innocent but you're not. PROJECTION

"bitch" 60 seconds later after ive gotten angry "did I say that?"

We would get along better if you loved me more.

Every girlfriend has accused me of cheating.

The last thing he said to me...

April 15, 2012 - 5:48pm — ready2receive

Everything that happened between us was my fault because........"I didn't keep his behavior in check."

I got up and left. Never went back. Silly me, I thought I was only responsible for my behavior...thought he was an adult?? Hmmm.......

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The Narc Mixed Message