Good evening...it's time I let go of that thing that took up over a year of my life. I have felt the ache of his leaving and my shattered dreams each day. I am so appreciative of the posts on this forum because it's finally clicking - he is a disordered mess and I am normal. I have other issues that were brought to light with his abandonment and cruelty.

I am strong-minded and filled with history from my ancestors. I sometimes visualize exn laughing at me for falling apart. Yesterday, I went to my mother's house to chop firewood...again, I am from a rural place. I did this about a week ago too, and it was awesome. I felt my strength again and I remembered this "ranching" lifestyle taught me that I could survive without conviences. That was how I grew up - by twelve years old, I could chop wood and warm my family's home; I could carry in water to wash dishes, and wash my younger siblings; and I could ride horses for days on end. I even "broke" horses and yes that meant falling off of them and GETTING BACK ON.

Horses are not disordered; if they are, it's because they were abused, and guess what, they did not last very long. People noted the danger of such horses and yes, took them out. They were not safe for people to be around because of the danger they posed. I'm not suggesting we take them out (haha), but the message was that they were dangerous, posed a threat, and people knew right away. Most horses though, can be trained to trust again, but it is serious business and I was told not to mess with animal's trust.

Well, I chopped wood and went to town. I'd pause and pull in these images and feelings, center them in the pit of my stomach and BAM! the axe came down. I even picked the most knotted wood to take apart. The sun gave off its winter light and I chopped away. Getting out that anger was power for me. I kept my mother, father, and niece warm for several days with the amount I left behind. I had this image of him laughing or bullying me with his "walk bys" and I stopped and said, "Is that the most you have for me? Is that the best you can do? I can get back up you coward. I CAN GET BACK UP! "

It has taken me over 10 months to get back in touch with the core of me - that is who I am and have been all my life - strong, intelligent, generous, supportive, and brave. I feel like a new bud of leaf opening up - a freeze could come along, but I am coming back with spring. The winter has been long and hard, but I can see spring coming. I don't want to proclaim anything and get overly excited because then I fall hard. I just want to keep this going and pick myself back up, without the fall from false arrogance either. There is that inner strength rekindled and I want to take it slow with myself.

I saw him today...for a guy who skipped town to go to OW and leave this place, he keeps coming back for stuff. It's like, "Just leave and stay gone." He got what he wanted - OW and new life and happiness; and I did not get in his way - did not harass him or nothing. I need to chop wood more often - I was surprised at my own strength. I'd close my eyes and direct the anger and pain to my stomach and I'd hit my mark each time. Sometimes, the axe would drive right through and hit the ground.

If anything, I miss my horse from my teen years, Pepper...I'll share Pepper stories soon enough.

I am thankful to God that he is out of my life ... and I can rebuild to whom the Creator deems me to be.