Oh my goodness guys, I haven't even had the emotional energy (let alone the time) to post on here for the last few weeks...

So, my father died on the 12th December, suddenly. I had not spoken to him for over a year and his death was the catalyst for me to end the relationship of three years with my ex N. Since his death it has been a slow, but sure realisation that my relationship with my Dad (and indeed my mum who I also havent spoken to for nearly 10 years now) were the first relationships I had with narcissists and that clearly there was a huge link between that and the fact that I chose such a terrible relationship with the EX N and at least one N before him. This, in itself is good, as it gives me the opportunity to learn how NOT to do this again...

NC has been going well despite the fact that I have to sit just feet from the EX N every day at work...he is making a VERY good show of being exactly the opposite of the person he was when we are together and in my weaker moments this upsets me, as I start to doubt myself, my perception etc. He was the grumpiest, most negative person when we were together and now he is the epitomy of politeness around the office, sucking up to everyone, making an effort with his work and his appearance. Is this game playing??

So, just over a week ago, it came to light that for 6 months before my fathers death he was having an affair with a woman my age. This woman had come to the funeral and my brother had been puzzled as she had approached him and he had felt that she wanted to say something and had stopped herself. She then contacted him and told him, and on asking for proof, she sent 300 pages of facebook messages between them, and 172 pages of text messages..all nicely presented. It has been mindblowing for all of us. The messages make incredible reading, like something from a novel..the most flowery, romantic language, highly sexual and the most upsetting for me...she was a 42 year old woman, he was 62. She was my age, and in these messages she talks about what a difficult childhood she had with an abusive father, and what a terrible divorce she was having and how hard her life was and my father, who NEVER showed me any support ever, and was violent and abusive himself throughout my childhood and adolescence, is supportive! He lies repeatedly, and lies about going through the court system to get custody of me and my brother which couldnt be further from the truth..he was barely seen after leaving my mother. Just awful and heartbreaking.

My fathers wife of 20 years is devastated...and we have started to talk and fill her in on all the stuff that happened before she came into his life...she knew very little as my father would never discuss it and downplayed all the very difficult stuff that happened after he left (my mother went on to marry a paedophile). He blamed me, to her, told her that I was melodramatic and difficult...as we can now speak openly to her she is beginning to realise that this wasnt the case and that my father was not who she thought he was.

It's all so hard, and I'm making increasing connections in my head between the way my father was and the choices I have made in my adult life...

I needed to get this off my chest today, but any opinions would be so welcome..

Manda xxxxx